Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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MSSnow Marriage on the rocks and paranoid
  • replies: 3

Hi All its clear that my marriage is on the rocks. We have been together for well over 10 years and have young kids. She has shared with me a number of reasons why she is unhappy and all I can do is try and alleviate these things as I do agree with s... View more

Hi All its clear that my marriage is on the rocks. We have been together for well over 10 years and have young kids. She has shared with me a number of reasons why she is unhappy and all I can do is try and alleviate these things as I do agree with some of them. at the same time I am becoming paranoid about where she is and what she is doing. I perhaps know more than she realises and it’s totally eating me inside but I can’t do anything about it. I try to open the door to allow for the honest answers but I get blatant lies which I can’t call out im really struggling with the likelihood of where this is heading and find myself often quite emotional about it and unable to sleep looking for advice from others who perhaps may have had similar experiences

HurtConfused7 My partner had an affair in his previous marriage...
  • replies: 3

I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and st... View more

I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with he’s still in constant contact, they text everyday. When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that he’s met someone and they can’t communicate anymore (I don’t want him to go completely cold on her but explain what’s going on). It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people. I don’t know how I should feel. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him as he’s still holding onto the past. I’m really don’t know if I’m even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didn’t cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. It’s been 4 years since the affair and I know she’s going through her divorce now. I’ve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday. I would love to hear some advice on the matter. Thanks.

Autumn_ Is this an unhealthy relationship?
  • replies: 12

Hi All, I have a tendency of getting into emotionally abusive relationships and this is something I am currently working through in therapy. I am in a relationship currently which is definitely healthier than my past relationships but lately there ha... View more

Hi All, I have a tendency of getting into emotionally abusive relationships and this is something I am currently working through in therapy. I am in a relationship currently which is definitely healthier than my past relationships but lately there has been some behaviour which I’m unsure whether I should be concerned about. I’m posting this because I have trouble discerning what is acceptable in relationships, so I was hoping to get some insight. 1. he spends all of his free time playing video games. Today he had a bad day, said two words to me, and hopped straight onto his console. 2. Semi-related to the above, he doesn’t help me with any responsibilities around the house. He has lived in my house for about a year now. He works full-time, and I work part-time and study. 3. he jokes about everything. I quite like this, but sometimes the jokes hurt my feelings. I tell him this but he continues to make the same jokes. For example, whenever he proof reads one of my assignments, he always starts by saying “alright, let’s see how much of a mess I have on my hands” but then insists it is a joke. Now that I’m writing this, I feel pretty silly and these things are clearly bad. The issue is, however, all of my close girlfriends have similar complaints about their partners (or worse) so it’s hard to assess what’s normal and what isn’t Thanks in advance for your advice and support I don’t know where I would be without BB!

NJS_1 Friendship troubles
  • replies: 2

Hi, I have two friends who I've been contemplating of removing from my life. Both of them don't support me in some things that I do. One doesn't make any effort of catching up or talking to me at all and when I do try to organise a time she usually s... View more

Hi, I have two friends who I've been contemplating of removing from my life. Both of them don't support me in some things that I do. One doesn't make any effort of catching up or talking to me at all and when I do try to organise a time she usually says she'll tell me when it's closer to the day. I've thought of organising a day to catch up and when she does say "Can we wait till it gets closer to the day?", then say "Do you still want to be friends? If not, just say so". While the other, I feel a bit nervous when I see her because I'm worried she'll ask about a certain something (which I don't feel comfortable saying) because I'll be expecting her to look down at me. She has said negative things about it and this thing is something I love, and I don't want unsupportive people in my life anymore and I feel like I can't be myself around her. But I can't leave her because I'm her only friend and she's been going through a tough time with family. I'm worried I'm being dramatic or wrong and that I should just stay friends with them. I would love to make new friends who are supportive and make an effort, but I have trouble making friends and I'm not sure where to find new friends. Am I being ridiculous and is it all in my head?

ElectricBlue Husband always thinks I'm having an affair
  • replies: 5

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have always been very deeply in love but he has always had trust issues. He has asked me if I'm cheating on him so many times I've lost count. I used to be a very social person but... View more

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have always been very deeply in love but he has always had trust issues. He has asked me if I'm cheating on him so many times I've lost count. I used to be a very social person but slowly lost contact with most of my friends as our interests seemed to become completely different and I never really made any new friends. Last night a group of people I used to work with (but honestly didn't really like all that much) invited me out with them. I said no but told my husband that being invited made me miss having friends. He got all upset about it and said that if I really wanted to go out with people I "hate" then there must be an issue with our relationship. I explained to him that this has nothing to do with him or even the people who invited me, I was just saying that I miss having friends. He replied with "well go make some" & left it at that. All day today he has been very cold towards me and has said that either I'm lying and am actually having an affair (& that going out with work people was a cover) or I'm unhappy in our relationship. How can I get him to see that me wanting friends again has absolutely nothing to do with him? I'm also concerned that if I did make new friends & started spending time with them that I would be accused of having an affair again.

Tranquillity_Please 6 year relationship, partner moved out without telling me
  • replies: 16

Hi all, (posted this in intro, but removed triggers to post here) I’ve suffered general & social anxiety since before my teens, which lead to depression. At 43 I found out I have Aspergers, my wife wouldn’t accept this, I instigated our divorce in 20... View more

Hi all, (posted this in intro, but removed triggers to post here) I’ve suffered general & social anxiety since before my teens, which lead to depression. At 43 I found out I have Aspergers, my wife wouldn’t accept this, I instigated our divorce in 2012. I found a new partner familiar with Autism (having 3 sons on the spectrum: 1 autistic, 1 aspie & 1 ADHD). We were together for 6 years, living together for 4 years. Last Friday I returned from a work trip to find she had moved out, taking her children & belongings. It must have been planned months in advance, but I had no idea. We had our difficulties, but I thought that we had open communication, & we would work through them together. As I had done in my first marriage, I was open to counselling, & had been working with my psychologist for the past 6 months, right up until the Wednesday before. In the very little she has communicated with me since leaving, she has told me we have to sell our house, our relationship is over, & she has already set herself up in a new house.This has ripped my heart out. But she also said she is losing her best friend, & hopes I can find it in my heart to still be friends with her. (?) I have taken sick leave from work, & lost over 5kg in 7 days because I cannot eat more than a few bites. I have a constant feeling of dread, anxiety, nausea & misery. I have isolated myself from my family & have no friends close by. If I did I don’t think I’m ready to see them anyway. My only 2 close friends both live interstate. My ex partner & I have started to talk about the financials. This has increased my dread & panic. I do not want to get ripped off, but I don’t want to upset her either - I still love her so so much. I eat next to nothing, sleep from 4-5pm till 10am-12pm, work on preparing the house for sale (on my own) for 3-4 hours, then go to bed again. Sleep seems the only way to get through hurting. I’ve even looked into cuddle therapy, as I am a very tactile person, & used to cuddle my partner a lot. I always gave her a kiss goodnight, when I left for work, & when I returned from work & told her I loved her 2-3 times a day. I did the majority of the housework, organised our finances, shopped for groceries & planned most meals. I also gave her space to socialise with her friends as often as she needed. After my divorce, my ex wife said I was a catch. My ex partner wants to stay friends. The pain of her abrupt and emphatic leaving has emotionally crippled and shattered me.

Heyaaa Someone close to my(f) partner(m) is in an abusive relationship
  • replies: 6

Im overwhelmed by the pain this woman has gone through. She fits ever category, every sign of a domestic violence victim. She even called the hotline and that was why she was out of that home. And now she's gone back; back to the man who made her fee... View more

Im overwhelmed by the pain this woman has gone through. She fits ever category, every sign of a domestic violence victim. She even called the hotline and that was why she was out of that home. And now she's gone back; back to the man who made her feel worthless and gaslight her into thinking she was nothing. And it's tearing me apart. As a woman. As a survivor of child abuse. When things like this happen I see how much power men can have over us. They had power over me when I was 10 years old. They have power over this woman, the sweetest woman I've ever met. It's hurting my partner. He cares for her so so so much and it breaks my heart. Its two fold. Im hurting for both my partner, and for her. I can't support him, I can't even deal with it myself. I don't know if you can even do anything when they go back to their partners. I cannot deal with not being able to do anything. My psych has always told me that being so hyperaware of being in control/not in control affects my anxiety levels, but I just cannot stop. I'm so scared for her. I feel like I have a right to be anxious here. This isn't just GAD.

Guest_1584 Why is it that talking just wares me out , does anyone else get that ? What is it ?
  • replies: 3

Hi all . For years l've wondered why l am the way l am and what's wrong with me ? Too much talking just exhausts me , l mean l'd find it easier to go do an extra days work or walk 20k instead of talking past my max, especially with the wrong person. ... View more

Hi all . For years l've wondered why l am the way l am and what's wrong with me ? Too much talking just exhausts me , l mean l'd find it easier to go do an extra days work or walk 20k instead of talking past my max, especially with the wrong person. And that usually leaves me with guilt and them scratching their head, and it's getting worse. But l just can't do it.. l was married 20yrs and l've never been a morning person so mornings were literally painful for me because she could be full steam straight out of bed at 7am. She'd have been happy all day long till bed again that night.For me that's my worst nightmare , well , close. Mind you , we'd often talk for hours on end or in bed till 3 or 4 am , sometimes all night. l do like talking and enjoy it, especially with the right person and a natural an ease in talking . Thing is after that l'm done, really , done. l often couldn't even look her way in the mornings fear she'd talk , she'd very often go off to work without a word. l really don't like hardly talking at all untill 10 or 11 , at all ,it's literally hard and if l have l'm usually nervy the rest of the day unless l get a damn good break from talking after that and tbh the rest of the day is fine with me , hell all night too no problem. To add to it l've spent a lot of time on my own after divorce too about 3yrs , and getting older , 50s , and then involved with someone long distance for a few yrs later so we were only together 3 n 4mths a yr the rest was messaging, skyping , so more or less still on my own. And my gf now is up home in her city 1/2 the time too so l'm still alone a lot of the time and all that has made me even worse. l mean say l go have a drink with my brother 3 or 4 hours over the wkend or sometime, we talk quite a bit , it's nice , but l damn near need a stretcher later and just can't wait to get home and some hours with no talking, a few days even is fine with me. And l also get snappy or plain if l'm pushed once l'm talked out , but once l am , l just can't talk past it. Well atm my daughters moved in , just turned 19, and she can talk, 7 to 11, no problem. and at 300k an hr. She's out with friends a lot but if she;s home too long l just have to go hide, go on the pc in my room or something or l'll start getting snappy it;s just too much. l feel terrible and l love time together but as she's gotten older she's almost hypa so l can only do short stints. l hate being like this but it's worse than ever.

Michelle1978 Blindsided after a 2 year relationship
  • replies: 5

I met a really nice man at a speed dating event 2 years ago and it we both liked each other instantly. I always thought we had a great relationship and friendship we always had a great time together. Before Covid hit, we had a week away interstate fo... View more

I met a really nice man at a speed dating event 2 years ago and it we both liked each other instantly. I always thought we had a great relationship and friendship we always had a great time together. Before Covid hit, we had a week away interstate for a holiday which we both enjoyed. Covid19 has made things a little tricky but we managed to get out and do some long walks etc and still saw each other about 3 times a week. we celebrated our two year anniversary a couple of weeks ago and I thought everything was fine. He came over to my place last week and said that we needed to split up and that his feelings had changed and he didnt see a future with me. I was in shock and so upset. I was crying and he was crying too. I was actually comforting him. it’s like he had made his decision and wasn’t prepared to give it another chance or anymore time. I was in shock and wasn’t talking much because I just didn’t know what to say at all. He said that he doesn’t mind if I sms him from time to time. Anyway fast forward 5 days later and I am upset. I feel like I have lost my best friend overnight and it feels strange not haven’t heard from him at all since that night. A couple of friends have said I should contact him and let him know my thoughts given that I have had time to reflect on it but i don’t feel up to it. I haven’t been in a situation like this before and just don’t know what to do.

Helplesspartner Help supporting my partner - I don't want to give up
  • replies: 4

I have been with my partner for nine years, before that we were best friends, we have been in each other’s lives for 15 years. We are 31. We had such a great relationship because we had the fundamentals of a great friendship. We never had fights, lot... View more

I have been with my partner for nine years, before that we were best friends, we have been in each other’s lives for 15 years. We are 31. We had such a great relationship because we had the fundamentals of a great friendship. We never had fights, lots of laughs, the same hobbies, just a great couple. We were saving to buy our first home and planning our family. Since he turned 30, he has been depressed, binge drinking, some drug use (never experimented before this), and just general comments regarding ‘I thought I would have achieved more by 30’ etc. He has history of childhood trauma, which has been bubbling at the surface for years, but he would only talk about it when drunk. About 4 years ago he went to a GP and was diagnosed with depression, commenced antidepressants. He took them for a short while then stopped as he didn't like 'feeling out of it'. He went to one councillor session, however it wasn't a good fit so he didn't return. 14 weeks ago, he confessed to an affair. He had been seeing her for a few weeks and had slept with her once. He was incredibly emotional, with lots of tears and devastation. I was heartbroken and immediately left. He has since told me that he never wanted a relationship with the other woman, but he couldn't live with the secret and he knew it would be over when he told me. He later revealed he had planned to kill himself at that time We are still seperated, and he is spiralling out of control. I've told him he can come home so we can start to rebuild, he says he wants to be home but still isn't here! I believe it is so he can continue his reckless behaviour, and have no one to answer to. I am so worried about his alcohol intake, he is drinking daily to excess. He has told me he drinks in the morning, before,during and after work. He has also started experimenting with drugs. Nothing too sinister, but high amounts of antihistamines, medications etc. He said he is looking to get high, not harm himself as I asked that. We had a great relationship before this, and I feel as though it’s like a Midlife, he is very depressed, often talks about 'im already dead', no goals or ambition at all, describes himself as 'beige' and has told me he has considered hurting himself! I've asked him to see a GP, I've gently supported him, I've cried, I've said 'suit yourself' I am lost and I want my best friend back.