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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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ConcreteRose No friends.., a lonely single mum.
  • replies: 13

So here I am at 36, a single mum of 4 kids & I nolonger have a social life. Friends" started to fade away from my life several years ago, just the usual with people moving, & people growing and changing and taking different life paths etc. I was fina... View more

So here I am at 36, a single mum of 4 kids & I nolonger have a social life. Friends" started to fade away from my life several years ago, just the usual with people moving, & people growing and changing and taking different life paths etc. I was finally down to 1 friend who was very toxic and I found the strength to end that 2 years ago, & since then I've had no friends I don't really have family either apart from my children. We visit my parents but I'm not close to them. I feel extremely lonely and isolated. I have depression and social anxiety which doesn't help matters, although nobody could pick it as I'm good at hiding those things. I have my youngest child with me 24/7, so joining activities etc I enjoy to meet people is not doable. I have tried playgroups etc and found them to be like high school, with how mums have their groups and can be very nasty etc unfortunately. I talk to mums when my youngest is playing with their child at parks, but nothing comes of it. I started telling myself I don't care I'm alone, but I do care, it really hurts that I have nobody. How am I supposed to make close friends at my age, especially when I don't get any child free time etc? Does anybody else feel like this? I feel like I'm the only woman my age who doesn't even have 1 friend. ( I currently do not work & just study online at home until my youngest is old enough to start prep)

Smilemore954 Traumatic experiences
  • replies: 6

I didn’t really have a good start to life I was sexually abused by my dads friend at the age of 5, on top of dealing with emotional and physical abuse from family,I had no proper friends,I felt so much emotional pain as a child but didn’t understand ... View more

I didn’t really have a good start to life I was sexually abused by my dads friend at the age of 5, on top of dealing with emotional and physical abuse from family,I had no proper friends,I felt so much emotional pain as a child but didn’t understand the feelings I was experiencing, which then lead to me developing strong feelings of low self esteem and a lack in self worth which I still suffer from today.I later on in life had two psychotic episodes and was hospitalised for 2months I felt that was my lowest point in life where I was then diagnosed with ocd,depression,anxiety and psychosis.All that I have mentioned which has happened to me is what haunts me and makes me feel lonely because I don’t really have friends or a social group that understand my frustration.I am now left with two choices,the first is to stay in the abusive household I only know and grew up in where I suppress my happiness to keep my parents happy or leave my abusive family and rediscover myself and what I truely want out of life but be cut be off from my family and be seen as a shame to my own family which Is a decision I am struggling to make as a young adult because I don’t want my parents to be upset with me and to be viewed as a shame.i have always had to prove myself to them and it’s just exhausting because they don’t reciprocate the same energy

w1nn1e Partner dominates conversations, I cant speak?
  • replies: 7

I am currently in a happy and loving relationship but sometimes I feel that the partner talks a LOT. In no way are they narcissistic or toxic just to make that clear. But I notice that throughout the duration of a sleepover together, they would have ... View more

I am currently in a happy and loving relationship but sometimes I feel that the partner talks a LOT. In no way are they narcissistic or toxic just to make that clear. But I notice that throughout the duration of a sleepover together, they would have not once asked me how my week has been going or how I am (we have a sleepover once a week). Its clear that they care about me in the way they treat me nicely but sometimes it would be great if they showed interest in what I would like the conversation to be about. Like sometimes when they come over they will just launch into a rant about something and I just find myself agreeing and nodding instead of being engaged in the conversation since they are talking at me the whole time. It makes me feel guilty as I know this person is great but if I try to bring up my opinion/thought/or a story then its gets sort of dismissed and just goes back to what they want to say. As I said, this person is not narcissistic or selfish and I do see a future with them but I just don't know how to go about discussing this with them. I don't want to change them or stop them from being outspoken and talkative. But I have also noticed when they talk on the phone they can talk at the person on the other end for hours as well, so I know its not a personal thing towards me. Just don't know how to bring it up without sounding harsh or insulting in case they do have underlying symptoms of ADHD (talking non-stop)? Would appreciate any advice on how I can go about this?

LEB Parenting emotional preschooler who is angry at the world.
  • replies: 2

My preschool age son can be a sweet, thoughtful, empathetic & gentle boy, but his ability to manage his emotions, especially his anger, during these last few months of lockdown is becoming a struggle. He is so quick to anger, blame someone else, and ... View more

My preschool age son can be a sweet, thoughtful, empathetic & gentle boy, but his ability to manage his emotions, especially his anger, during these last few months of lockdown is becoming a struggle. He is so quick to anger, blame someone else, and sometimes become aggressive with his sister or himself, which is very concerning. He reacts poorly to things you would expect from a toddler (eg, not getting his way, sharing, being "told off" etc) and has also started saying things like "I hate myself/my life/you" and "my brain hurts and I don't know what to do" when upset and overwhelmed. We are all trying our best to support him & help him understand/manage his feelings, but I would love to get advice from anyone else who has experienced similar. I know this is an "unprecedented time" & Covid has messed us all around, but I want to give him, and the rest of the family, the tools to get through this & beyond.

J06 Adult Child Worries about Me and it causes me Stress
  • replies: 7

I have an adult son who had issues for many years when he was younger but which are now resolved, however it involved me working closely with him and assisting him for many years. his problems also caused him to become estranged from his sister, and ... View more

I have an adult son who had issues for many years when he was younger but which are now resolved, however it involved me working closely with him and assisting him for many years. his problems also caused him to become estranged from his sister, and to a small degree from his father. He still has issues but manages them really well with the aid of mental health practitioners and without me. Problem - he now worries about me, worries about my health, my heart, whether I am getting enough exercise, whether I eat well etc.. I feel this is because he has come to an understanding of how much it took out of me (and his father, but more so me) during a period of nearly 25 years. The problems is that despite me understanding why he worries I want him to stop. It feels as though it is an added burden when I have just started getting used to being released from the constant worry of him (although of course I know that I will always worry, but it will be on a more normal level and not to the same degree as previously). I tell him to stop worrying about me, his dad and I are fine even though we are in our 70's. What else could I say that will make him stop asking me about exercise, blood pressure, exercise etc. Somehow some of his issues have been resolved but now he has this one. Although I have to admit that I do not know if he only thinks about it when he rings me (which I hope it is) - which is approx once per week, or if he worries on a regular basis. He has his own full time business so I am hoping it is only when he rings me.

yellowhornet83 I Finally pushed too far- She's leaving me and there's no way back.
  • replies: 11

Hi everyone, It's my first post here an i'm not even sure where to begin. I guess at what's transpired over the last 72 hours. My wife has decided that she's had enough and she cant go on with our marriage any more. And it's all down to my actions, i... View more

Hi everyone, It's my first post here an i'm not even sure where to begin. I guess at what's transpired over the last 72 hours. My wife has decided that she's had enough and she cant go on with our marriage any more. And it's all down to my actions, i'm a repeat offender of pushing my luck and thinking im too smart to get caught, but i'm not and i do get caught. I havent physically cheated, but on multiple occassions in our 10 years together i've needed to get my ego stroked and have admiration from the opposite sex through social media. Friday night i had a chat in my DM's with a girl who initiated it and said i was cute and if i was single. Well, a random person telling me i was cute inflated my ego balloon and instead of saying thanks and no im not single i'm married. I said i'm arried, but trapped in the marriage. Now that's not true, i only said it in the hope of garnering sympathy in the hope the chat could continue. My wife found out and we've been at odds since. Seeing as we're in Melbourne and in Lockdown it's been hard to give each other space, but we spoke yesterday and she asked why i keep on doing this. In the past when i've been caught i've said i dont know, i just wanted my ego stroked. And yes that's partly true, but realisitcally in my mind i thought, "well she's obviously not going to leave me. She wouldnt dare, have you seen me?" I know that sounds awful, but it's how i've thought before. And you might say, that maybe i dont love my wife if i think like this about her, but this isnt an isolated incident, this has happened with every relationship i've had. I see myself as the better half of the relationship. And i know thats a horrible way to think but i've done that and manipulated partners to make everything benefit me since high school. I have been told i have anumber of narcissistic personality traits, and i am calling my doctor tomorrow to arrange a mental health plan if possible to talk to a professional about my thoughts and actions and reactions to situations as i know the way i act is not healthy and my partners do no deserve it. last night i broke down uncontrollably in tears, when i knew even though i want nothing more than my wife it's not safe for her to be around me and carry on in a relationship like this. It may sound silly, but it felt good to know i actually have emotions. Anyway, sorry for the long winded first post. Just needed to get some of it out as right now i'm utterly broken.

TheMich Hopefully I have made the right decision...
  • replies: 2

About 18 months ago I discovered my male partner of 21 years was heavily infatuated with a mutual female friend of ours. This started on Snapchat and also because they work at the same employer. He has since admitted that he is infatuated perhaps obs... View more

About 18 months ago I discovered my male partner of 21 years was heavily infatuated with a mutual female friend of ours. This started on Snapchat and also because they work at the same employer. He has since admitted that he is infatuated perhaps obsessed with her but denies that he is in love with her. I beg to differ as on his phone are several 'quotes' he has saved and sent to her. For example, being in love with my best friend but having to keep the feelings hidden, marrying late is better than marrying the wrong person, one day we will be together, soulmates, best friends, beautiful person, etc etc. Likes every post of hers on Facebook. Sends her messages about what to cook, how to design her house etc etc. He has also purchased things for her online. I confronted her and was told she is not interested in him but they are great friends. So I believe he has been going through some midlife crisis, as I get told he doesnt love me and doesnt want me in his life, and then it all changes around around and he does. He also taunts me by saying they will get together after I leave or he is waiting for her husband to die (he isnt sick). We have also been away together a few times. My gut feeling has always said something is wrong. I have 2 adult children from a previous relationship and he doesnt have any. Eventhough it was never discussed about us having a child together. He now has lots of regrets as he hasnt had enough girlfriends, hasnt got kids, wants to marry and reckons he only has 20 years of life left. He is 48. He has anger issues and seems depressed. He says he just wants to be alone. After all this time, I cannot stand it anymore. I have got to the point that I just dont care anymore. I have purchased a unit about an hour away in the town where I work. I intend of staying there during the week, or all the time. I have told him this. There is only so many times I can hear I want you out of my life, so I needed to act on it. He claims he doesnt send her stuff anymore or hardly speaks to her. But i cant believe anything he says or does. He has hurt me so much, but he cant see understand why. I think he is a delusional creepy stalker and cant see that she doesnt want him. She does not reply to his messages. So I hope I have made the right decision... but I believe I deserve better. I have been loyal and never done anything wrong to him, and I have never lied.

white knight Fortress of survival
  • replies: 23

Xmas tests us folk. Its a time every year that has the most stress, sadness due to family divide and the close of the year has us reviewing our relationships. Fear not for its actually a great opportunity. Only you can take control in the new year to... View more

Xmas tests us folk. Its a time every year that has the most stress, sadness due to family divide and the close of the year has us reviewing our relationships. Fear not for its actually a great opportunity. Only you can take control in the new year to ensure that Xmas next year will be a better one as will 2017 overall. We need to take control by making hard decisions. We are soft people that don't have the hardened mentality of others. We need to draw a line in the sand and build a wall to self preserve. Im into my 7th year of doing thus. Each year I fine tune my relationships. People know now that my dealings with them are conditional. They know if they are disloyal, manipulative, uncaring, demanding or inconsiderate...their time with me is limited or even terminal. The way they've seen how I've removed some from my life...even my mother. In fact my now 85yo mother is the best example. Likely with chronic BPD with heavy narcissistic and manipulative tendencies she ruined my first wedding, lied about her health and would not assist me with my mental health struggles as her issues were always more important and severe. The line was drawn. The wall was erected. The cost has been loss of relatives that she was able to convince of my wickedness. So be it. As I say to some "my mother has some good points...its the bad points I cannot live with" and "only a child of my mother knows what that is like". But most importantly, those that you keep around you also need care. Having a mental illness isn't a one way street, we need to, when able, reach out and show appreciation. I have a dear friend a single grandmother. She told me quietly she was depressed a few weeks ago. Since then I subtlety sent her a beyondblue link about depression and asked how she has been. Last night she had recovered and thanked me for my input. She knows of my struggles. It was a good feeling helping someone that has been there for me. Reach out to the right people but save up your bricks for that wall to hold back the intruders. Forgive them for they not know what they do. But don't feel guilty when you mortar in that last brick. Those types don't know how to treat you or help you. Let those birds of a feather flock together. Then next year you can learn to fly around with your own, because you've created a "safe mode" of your own life. You would have in effect taken action as important as some medical treatments You were decisive to ensure a happier survival... Tony WK

ReeCar123 Partner's hard time is affecting me
  • replies: 1

Hello All, My partner is currently finalising his financial separation from his ex-wife (nearly 2 years after the separation). He wants this all to be over and free but it emotionally stresses him. He also has a lot of stress at work. We are coming i... View more

Hello All, My partner is currently finalising his financial separation from his ex-wife (nearly 2 years after the separation). He wants this all to be over and free but it emotionally stresses him. He also has a lot of stress at work. We are coming into the "hot phase" where he needs to get the final paperwork, house vsluations etc. dond and submitted to the lawyers. I have noticed the last 1.5 to 2 weeks that he has an incressingly shorte fuse and he has noticed himself tha he has this anger that comes out at times and he doesn't like it. It's nothing violent, just really edgy. Also, he withdraws a bit and doesn't get in touch as much as he used to. I try my best to understand and give him space but after 2 years of constantly going through his emotional turmoil, I cannot help but get triggered sometimes. It makes me anxious and a little sad that I feel on the back seat again and also that there seems to be nothing I can do. I am not sure how to deal with this. I will see him tonight and I even asked him whether he thinks it's a good idea or whether he would prefer to self-soothe and be alone this weekend. He said no, that he is looking forward to it and that he needs a positive "distraction". He probably meant this nicely because sitting alone in his house brings all the negative feeling but the label of distraction does not sit well with me. He distracted himself with us when he first separated and then the grief and attachment issues got hold of him. We subsequently split and only rekindled because he was in a much better and aware space. I believe this is just the last big hump, but my experiences with him in the past make me hypervigilant now. I don't know how to best manage this situation. We have a long weekend trip planned next week and he is very much looking forward to it. But I also told him that tomorrow, I will leave his place early so he can dedicate enough time to get his things sorted. I told him that his situation affects me too and that I cannot live like this forever but that it needs to be done now. For his health as much as mine. Is there anything specific I should/could do to support him but also look after me. I tend to put my needs behind others', so I don't want to do that again. But I also want to be understanding because he probably does the best he is emotionally capable of right now. How can I meet his and my needs in this situation?

itsagamble Confused after breakup
  • replies: 11

I recently came out of a six-month relationship following a year or so of loneliness and depression after my marriage break-up. I met a wonderful lady in February this year and over time we became close and fell in love. She said I was the nicest per... View more

I recently came out of a six-month relationship following a year or so of loneliness and depression after my marriage break-up. I met a wonderful lady in February this year and over time we became close and fell in love. She said I was the nicest person etc she had been with and she loved me more than I could know. But she and I live about an hour and a half away from each other (which I don't think is a problem) and she had concerns about the future. We discussed this several times, and I made a commitment to her that I would in time move to be with her and work my custody arrangements around that. She seemed to be OK with this for a while and the relationship continued at the same intensity. We began telling loved ones about it etc only a few months ago, about 5 months into the relationship. My children and hers (2 each, similar ages under 6) are still struggling with our respective marriage splits (me nearly 2 years, her almost a year now - about 5 months when we met) and we had agreed not to say anything to them, which made seeing each other a casual type thing and I was dying to give her more, which she often said she wanted, but was too worried about telling her kids and ex. Anyway, long story short, after my most recent visit to her, now almost a month ago, she broke down in tears and said she couldn't do it anymore knowing that she could be the reason for me moving away from my kids and perhaps damaging them more. She has told me as early as yesterday that she does love me the way she said she did, but can't be with me (because of the above) and she's sorry for me and for her, and that I am amazing and wonderful etc. and I should move on and give that love to somebody else. I don't understand. I tried everything and always had the idea that if you loved somebody you try and do everything to be together. I'm really struggling now as to how I will find somebody remotely close to her and how I can move on from this and trust again to start a relationship. I also can't fathom how somebody could find the perfect person but give up.