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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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WhatGoesHere_ Sexless Marriage and Depression
  • replies: 97

Hi Everyone, I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to p... View more

Hi Everyone, I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts. When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away. We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through. Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it. I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar. Thanks for reading

Anima My mother is toxic and narcissistic
  • replies: 2

I cannot take my mother any more. I am sick of her doing things to damage my life and my things. She treats me and my sister differently all my life. My mother always have treated me like as if i am the burden in her life. For example last week i cut... View more

I cannot take my mother any more. I am sick of her doing things to damage my life and my things. She treats me and my sister differently all my life. My mother always have treated me like as if i am the burden in her life. For example last week i cut and installed all the blinds in the house for her, i have a neck and shoulder injury which causes pain for me, but i was still willing to do it for her, she was all nice to me, very loving, then i wake up the next day and she treats me like absolute garbage, i did not do or say anything wrong to her, but out of the blue i have become a problem some how. She does things to make my life hard, for example, i purchased new clothes , wore it and then put it in the washing machine to wash, i come to find that someone put tissues in the washing machine which now damaged the new clothes. This is not a one time occurrence this has happened at least 20 times in my life. Another thing she does is if i use the washing machine , suddenly the washing machine is too noisy for her and i have to shut the door all the time to the laundry. So i did a test on her when she was washing her own clothes, i left the door open in the laundry while she was watching the TV , i left for 40 min and came back and asked her, isn't the washing machine noisy ?, she says no, so i tell her then why is the washing machine noisy for you when i am doing the washing ? She will cause financial stress on the family by leaving the water running in the backyard for hours on end and then when the water bill comes she tells me that the bill is too high because i used the washing machine. If i ask her to cook food for me which is a one off thing, she will do it in a way that i don't like it. When i am doing cooking, she makes a big deal about every single thing that i am taking up too much space in the kitchen that she cannot cook (she sits at home all day) . Today i came downstairs to find the fridge doors wide opened for god knows how many hours , to find her sitting in the sewing room sewing away. She leaves all the dishes, cups and cutlery half washed in the sink or drawers and cupboards, that anything i take out i have to rewash again. She always leaves her poo floating in the toilet, she doesn't flush. And there are times where somehow there is poo stains on the toilet seat edge, also at times with the toilet roll there is poo stain on the toilet roll or inside the cardboard of the toilet roll.

ckris Is this marriage worth salvaging?
  • replies: 8

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have 2 beautiful children (aged 4 and 1). Our relationship has not been smooth sailing. When it’s good it’s good, but the constant fighting and resentment has reached what feels like breaking point ... View more

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have 2 beautiful children (aged 4 and 1). Our relationship has not been smooth sailing. When it’s good it’s good, but the constant fighting and resentment has reached what feels like breaking point and I know we are both unhappy. I tend to forgive easy and maybe accept behaviour that isn’t really that acceptable as I know no different. I don’t want to write a novel but I’m going to give a few examples of just some of my husbands behaviour in an argument and his actions towards myself and/or my children. I’m so sorry if this is a long winded post but any advice is greatly appreciated. -during both of my pregnancies I suffered from hyperemesis so basically vomited multiple times a day for both entire pregnancies. I of course had nil sex drive as I was so ill. but my husband (who’s love language is physical touch) took this to heart and used to get so angry at me when I would say no to sex. As much as I would try and explain why I had to say no, he could never get past it and so every time he asked for sex I felt like I was walking on egg shells not knowing how he would react. I still have those feelings, and my diagnosed anxiety makes it worse. If I reject sex I’m so on edge cause I feel like it’s just going to cause a massive fight. I know I shouldn’t hold into resentment but it’s hard to just shake these feelings -when my husband and I have had a particularly bad argument he reacts by “punishing me” in a way that he knows will hurt me the most. He will completely ignore me and the kids, he will shirk all parental responsibility and just lay around the house, sleep, go out and basically just watch me care for the kids on my own. He has done it on 3 to 4 occasions now since we’ve had the kids and it kills me. What hurts the most is that he’s doing it knowing how much it will hurt. -Something we have been working on is a “discipline” routine for our 4 year olds behaviour. Now i know I’m a softy but this week my husband openly (and in front of the kids) called our son stupid and then told me that I’m the reason that my son acts the way he does (typical 4 year old behaviour, not listening etc It just made me stop and think, who is this person that I’m living with? Don’t get me wrong, he is by no means violent, or like this all of the time, but how long do I continue to put up with this ??? I’m so used to being made to feel irrational or that I’m over reacting. I’m so upset -

KD1234 Feeling abandoned after years of marriage to an alcoholic
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for your replies. I have been with my husband for 12 years. In that time we have been through a lot. His twin brother passed away suddenly in an accident which has very much impacted out relationships. My husband has an... View more

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for your replies. I have been with my husband for 12 years. In that time we have been through a lot. His twin brother passed away suddenly in an accident which has very much impacted out relationships. My husband has an addictive personality and has had issues with gambling and alcohol. These things escalated after his brother died and the drinking is a huge problem now. He frequently goes out to help a friend (maintenances jobs), and just doesn’t come home. Like tonight, our daughter has gastro and he hasn’t come home. He lies and tells me he will be home at a particular time, then says he will be another hour and another hour etc. Whenever my husband says he is going out I get extreme anxiety. I think this is due to the emotional abuse I have coped in the past during his drinking. I am at a point now that I am done, I’m extremely busy and need to concentrate on myself and our children, but I just cannot let go of the hope that things will change. Last week I left and was 99.9% sure I was done, but as soon as I seen him I just couldn’t commit to leaving and have given him yet another chance. I don’t know if I’m scared of being along, or scared of him loving someone else? But I just feel like we will be happier not together. How do I let go? Does anyone have any advice on where to start with divorce when a mortgage is involved? I know I deserve better but can’t find the strength to leave.

Blackswan89 Recent breakup
  • replies: 2

I’ve recently broken up with my partner. I feel so down that all I do is lie on my bed or couch. I have a lot of pressing tasks to do that can’t wait, yet I have no motivation. What can I do to resume life? I want to grieve this relationship next wee... View more

I’ve recently broken up with my partner. I feel so down that all I do is lie on my bed or couch. I have a lot of pressing tasks to do that can’t wait, yet I have no motivation. What can I do to resume life? I want to grieve this relationship next week when I have time, not now when urgent, time dependent things need to be done. Thanks for suggestions.

contrarymary Worried for my sister - should I be
  • replies: 3

My sister in her 50s met her partner at work 4 years ago at first he attended all family events and they were an outgoing couple with a busy social life. Two years ago they got married and since then he has not attended any family events she attends ... View more

My sister in her 50s met her partner at work 4 years ago at first he attended all family events and they were an outgoing couple with a busy social life. Two years ago they got married and since then he has not attended any family events she attends alone with some excuse about him not attending. Shortly after the wedding he gave up work as he did not like working with people, she was offered redundancy which she took they then went on a round the world holiday and came back with no money, my sister has had to go back to work full time. I used to see her every two weeks for a catch up but rarely see her as she cancels at the last minute as her partner needs to go somewhere as he doesn't drive. She rang today to say they are moving to a remote area of NSW - they picked it from a map and have bought a house and moving in January. My husband says do and say nothing as it's her life but I feel she is being ostracised from her family. My grandchildren keep asking why she never comes to their parties. She has in 2 years to being a social person to rarely going out apart from work. I speak to her on the phone sometimes I have to send a message and she calls me back anyone had a similar experience

white knight Yelling
  • replies: 7

Many here know I'm estranged from my 89yo mother and have been for 9 years. I have zero desire to reconcile. Apart from her narcissism, she had a propensity to yell. A few years ago I decided, as part of my boundaries for others, that I wouldn't tole... View more

Many here know I'm estranged from my 89yo mother and have been for 9 years. I have zero desire to reconcile. Apart from her narcissism, she had a propensity to yell. A few years ago I decided, as part of my boundaries for others, that I wouldn't tolerate being yelled at. That's all well and good however, how to police it? My sister a few years ago began to yell during a disagreement. The story was we both attended a birthday party and upon leaving I was allowed to take some cake home. Upon arriving at home I put the cake in our freezer. My sister immediately believed I was keeping it from her and took offence. I sensed something amiss and two days later rang her to discuss what was on her mind. She started yelling claiming I was inconsiderate. I remained calm so she would calm also but she didn't. The impasse only finished when I asked a question- "whos cake was it" and "why didn't you bring your own" Another arguments came with her last Thursday. Without going into detail instead of remaining calm once she began yelling I yelled back over the phone. This also had limited success . Imo yelling is abuse. I want a yell free life as my anxiety returns in a yelling environment. My sister and I are talking but yelling has now made me wary of any future close relationship. Is it unrealistic to enforce a "no yelling" personal policy?

Just_me_here Husband...
  • replies: 5

Hi, I’m not sure what to write as I am new to this but feel I do need some insight or guidance. my husband and I have been married only 2 years, together for 6 years and we a have a young Son. we both have intense work lives at times which does lead ... View more

Hi, I’m not sure what to write as I am new to this but feel I do need some insight or guidance. my husband and I have been married only 2 years, together for 6 years and we a have a young Son. we both have intense work lives at times which does lead to distraction. Me more than him. I find it difficult to find balance. since I met my husband he has been terrible when drinking heavy alcohol like beers, spirits etc. He becomes quite rude and a bit stupid. I’ve put up with a lot and I’ve had many false promises of change. It causes anxiety when we do go out because I just never really know what the outcome will be. Most “special” occasions are ruined and I feel quite hurt. Of more recent times I’ve noticed alcohol consumption increase (in the past 6-12 months) and we have had a few issues that I have called out and stated I can’t continue to be hurt and let down by him and was told again that he wouldn’t drink. I’ve accepted the apology but then he changed his mind and decided to have this plan that he would drink mid strength beer, but has continued to talk about other events like gin events etc. which leaves me feeling disrespected and let down all over again. for the last few weeks he hasn’t had an issue but has been drinking. But I can’t seem to let all the hurtful events go. It still causes me anxiety. For example I don’t want to go out New Year’s Eve like we normally would because I don’t believe it will be the light hearted fun that it should be and last New Years was horrendous that’s to his consumption level. I’m at the point of considering leaving, as I have done for years. But I’m obviously concerned for our son. There’s a lot to our story but this is the one I can’t seem to move on from, get over and be ok with anymore. There’s so much resentment.

rhinoceros Have just moved out of the family home - serious and unexpected bout of depression
  • replies: 6

Hello friends on beyond blue This is a strange one, in that nothing bad has actually happened. About two years ago I used all my savings to buy a block of land, then did a whole lot more saving and managed to get a house built on said block. This is ... View more

Hello friends on beyond blue This is a strange one, in that nothing bad has actually happened. About two years ago I used all my savings to buy a block of land, then did a whole lot more saving and managed to get a house built on said block. This is my first home. I've been looking forwards to moving in for some time now. It's taken almost a year for the house to be built... I'd eagerly check on the progress several times a week. It's exciting and all positive really. Anyway I moved in last weekend. I found it hard moving all my things there. To put things in perspective I've been living in the same house for the last 27 years (i.e. all my life!). It was very draining emotionally moving things. It made me very sad in many ways. Now that I'm in the house - I'm beyond miserable. It's just so completely and utterly lonely. The first night I was there all I could think about was how much I hated the place. I'm doing a lot better today, but I'm still really depressed. I feel really stupid as I should really be over the moon about all this. It's hard to describe but the main thing is that I feel so lonely. It's really hard to let go and embrace the change. Hoping that things get easier soon, right now I'm really struggling. I'm trying to stay positive as hard as I can.

Mark247 Looking for low-cost counsellor
  • replies: 16

I am trying to find a low-cost counsellor to guide me through separation and divorce. I have tried a couple of popular services but would prefer the same person every session, rather than the next in the queue. I am in a 30 year relationship but I no... View more

I am trying to find a low-cost counsellor to guide me through separation and divorce. I have tried a couple of popular services but would prefer the same person every session, rather than the next in the queue. I am in a 30 year relationship but I now believe I have been abused both mentally and emotionally. I have access to only a small amount of money, so I need a low-cost service. It is also important that it doesn't appear on my medical records, as my wife has access to these. I tried Relationships Australia (SA) but they have nothing available for 8-10 weeks. Any suggestions?