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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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nellie158 Questioning relationship over a pet.....
  • replies: 4

Just to give a bit of background: my partner and I have been in a relationship for about 6 years, but have only been living together for 12 months. When we first moved in to our house, I brought along my dog who I spent a great deal of time training.... View more

Just to give a bit of background: my partner and I have been in a relationship for about 6 years, but have only been living together for 12 months. When we first moved in to our house, I brought along my dog who I spent a great deal of time training. In the middle of last year we decided to get another dog. My girl lived with my parent’s dog when I was back at home and enjoys the company of other dogs, so we thought a companion would be good for her. My partner was adamant he wanted a male dog, so we got an 8 week old male pup. We took him to puppy preschool and tried to socialise him as much as possible, but from about 7 months he has been reactive towards people and other dogs he is not familiar with. I have been going through a reactive dog training program with him and working on desensitising and counterconditioning him. On top of this I work full time, do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, shopping and pet care. My partner works full time, mows the lawns and maybe vacuums and cooks once a week. I have really been struggling with my workload and have asked him multiple times to help me, whether it is helping with house duties or the dogs. He always says “yes I’ll put more effort in” then nothing changes. This is starting to get very hard on me because it means I don’t seem to find much time to relax myself (not great for my anxiety), while he goes off and plays sport or goes out 3-4 nights of the week. Is it horrible I am reconsidering whether this man is a good life partner over how he handles a commitment to a pet?

Estrangedandalone Estranged from my mother
  • replies: 10

I'm at a loss. I've recently had a very big falling out with my mother. It hurts to breathe I feel sick in the stomach. Can't sleep Can't concentrate. My dad passed 10 years ago and my mum became very controlling of my life. She became fixated on wha... View more

I'm at a loss. I've recently had a very big falling out with my mother. It hurts to breathe I feel sick in the stomach. Can't sleep Can't concentrate. My dad passed 10 years ago and my mum became very controlling of my life. She became fixated on what my little family was doing. She needed to know where and what we were doing how much money we had who we were with basically everything. I would often tell her lies because she would criticise everything I did. As a young adult she would tell me I was getting fat or would say picky stuff to me about my appearance. Then as my kids got older she would say your daughter is too overweight its your responsibility to make her lose weight the other needs a breast reduction, your daughters are spending too much money they are spoilt. Over the years she's called me cruel heartless weak and recently said I deserve to be alone. I know I should be able to accept criticism but I'm just tired of her telling me how to run my life. Our relationship was more like a dictatorship. I know my mum doesn't feel the same for me as she does my brother and my cousin. My cousin more like the daughter she wants. It's a pretty messed up family maybe I'm better on my own.

CoolBananas New relationship. Boyfriend decided to stop medication and pushing me away.
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 5 months. I knew that he had previously struggled with major depressive disorder and anxiety, and he opened up to me about this in our first few weeks of dating. Early on he was vulnerable, affectionate,... View more

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 5 months. I knew that he had previously struggled with major depressive disorder and anxiety, and he opened up to me about this in our first few weeks of dating. Early on he was vulnerable, affectionate, would send me flowers, and tell me he missed me when he was away for work. We have been in contact every day since we first started dating, even if it was just a message to say hello – he has commented on that fact that he likes thay I don’t ‘blow up his phone’. We got boozy with some friends one night in the first few months of dating (he also took illicit drugs) and when we went to bed he started saying that he was ruining me, and accused me of lying to him about liking him - I reassured him that wasn’t the case. As the months progressed, his communication went hot and cold – on his good days he would talk about future plans, adventures and I would feel loved, and then on his cold days he lacked any interest in my life and would show no affection. He has mentioned a couple of times about forgetting to take his medication for 2-3 days, and I am wondering if this coincides with his cold behaviour. Recently he has applied for a job that would require relocation, and he asked me how I felt about that, which I was supportive of. We have also briefly talked about moving in together, but that was over a month ago and he hasn’t bought up anything since. About two weeks ago he told me he has decided to wean himself off his medication, without going to see his GP. Since then he has been so distant, somewhat distracted, extremely lethragic, and has had little interest in sex – that last bit is so out of character as he normally has a high sex drive. He said it isn't me. My anxious self immediately thinks he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and I am trying to understand whether him pushing me away is a result of his mental health, coming off his medication, or if he generally just doesn’t want to be with me anymore – I notice he can still maintain normal relationships with others. I am extremely patient, I give him space and wait for him to reach out to me, which he does – but I also make sure from time to time to let him know I care about him. I asked him today how he was feeling, and he got defensive and just said he was fine and if he isn't feeling great he will tell me. HELP!

Mark h Can you live in a marriage with NO romantic involvement?
  • replies: 9

Hi Everyone. Thanks for reading this. I need some advice and support. My wife of 23 years has recently told me that she wants a separation and I have to be honest in saying that this is all down to me and her not having any more trust in the relation... View more

Hi Everyone. Thanks for reading this. I need some advice and support. My wife of 23 years has recently told me that she wants a separation and I have to be honest in saying that this is all down to me and her not having any more trust in the relationship. I haven't cheated on her or been abusive in any way, far from it in fact. Those that know me would say that I am an 'over generous, fun, caring type' but I must admit I have done a lot of stupid stuff in my past. I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression most of my life and I am now 49 years old. I also have a psychologist and psychiatrist who help me get through but I am highly successful and love my family beyond words. My depression and more anxiety is due to an abusive childhood that has continued even to this day. I now live in Australia and my family are overseas so it is considerably easier now but it was very tough growing up. I am finding it so hard to cope with the fact that my marriage seems to be over and I just want to fix everything but I know I can't. My wife has had her faults too but nothing like mine. She says that she cannot see any kind of 'Romantic' relationship anymore but then sometimes she (after having a few drinks at night) tells me that she still loves me. She went away for three days with a friend and then yesterday she calls to say that she just wanted to hear my voice. We are not arguing, fighting or anything...it's all quite amicable but we have a business together and two teenage boys who live with us in the house. They have been told by the way and are coping fine. We still do the same things but she seems to be moving on with her life much quicker than I am. She hasn't found anybody else but it almost seems like it's a relief that she is not in this anymore. We still sleep in the same bed (but clothed), we still watch TV and chat. She says I am still her best friend but she needs complete space. She also seems to be without emotion too. I have tried to talk, explain and ask for her forgiveness here but right now, it's a very confusing time. This all happened 4 weeks ago too so it's very new. I have only two friends both of which are husbands of my wife's friends which is awkward. She keeps telling me that I need to manage my own happiness now but it's hard to move on. I have sobbed so much. I regret everything but should I now move on and do the kindest thing by leaving? I still want to fight for us but if it's only me fighting, then maybe I should admit defeat?

Rowan85 Lost
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm posting this because I feel so lost and I am struggling to connect with those around me, I just do t feel they get where I am at and I was hoping there might be someone out there that might get what I'm going through. I'm 35 and my wife of 10... View more

Hi, I'm posting this because I feel so lost and I am struggling to connect with those around me, I just do t feel they get where I am at and I was hoping there might be someone out there that might get what I'm going through. I'm 35 and my wife of 10 years has just told me she is no longer in love with me and has felt this way for a while. I made the decision to move out hoping that some time apart might change things. But after 2 months we are in the same place we were 2 mo tha ago. My family seems to resent my presence and don't understand that I still love her and I cant just let her go. I just feel the one person I have found in my life who really gets me and makes me feel whole and safe is gone, and now everyone around me expects me to move on and not think about it. I still love her and wish that she would call me and ask for us to back to the way it was. I just can't let her go, not yet. But everyone wants me to move forward, they don't like who I am now and want me to be back to my happy self, little can they realise that I can't be that person because i am truly lost without her. I am adrift and am not sure where my life is ment to go from here.

aj456 overly critical parents?
  • replies: 3

Hi there, this is my first time posting on a forum but I really felt I needed advice. More and more my mother is becoming critical of what I do and criticising my every move, while my father (when he is home) lashes out at me if I make a wrong move. ... View more

Hi there, this is my first time posting on a forum but I really felt I needed advice. More and more my mother is becoming critical of what I do and criticising my every move, while my father (when he is home) lashes out at me if I make a wrong move. Then when they’re in the same room together they don’t really talk, just argue. But my mum is the type of person that wouldn’t get divorced until my younger siblings finish school so they don’t “disrupt” our lives but at this point I feel like it would make our life better. I have epilepsy and have for nearly five years, which means constantly being fussed about whether it’s my sleep schedule, taking medication on time or going out to a party it just never feels normal and it was only up until recently that I put my foot down and spoke to my parents about letting me handle it on my own so that I can regain confidence in my self and my ability to be a strong individual. It was all looking up, I had been exercising, working hard at my job that I love, and receiving distinctions in all my classes but then my mum said that she has never been more disappointed in me. This was the happiest I had been in so long and it was almost as if she felt the need to criticise me so that I didn’t drift further into becoming my own person. I try to confront her about it but she dismisses me, telling me she is dealing with much bigger stresses and needs my support. She is constantly telling me about these stresses but can’t say what they are at this point and that I need to just trust her. As a result I’ve been saving for myself and my family incase everything goes south, trying so hard to not contribute to any extra costs as I know money is tight currently and I have begun looking for a higher paying job despite loving the one I currently am at. I haven’t told her and I don’t want to as I don’t want to add to anything, but it’s as if I’m the person she’s taking all her frustrations out on and she thinks because I am her daughter I will take it and not say anything back. It’s just becoming harder and harder to take. The things she says to me have been gut wrenching, and she has begun saying these things to my younger siblings as well, one of which already has had a very difficult year. I don’t know what to do anymore and needed to get it out. If you have any advice please help. Thank you.

Muff Relationship respect
  • replies: 1

I recently saw a text message on my partners phone to mate that said something about wild women I can't remember what my partner said in response but the next message from his friend was you can't your married to which my partner responded. "That doe... View more

I recently saw a text message on my partners phone to mate that said something about wild women I can't remember what my partner said in response but the next message from his friend was you can't your married to which my partner responded. "That doesn't worry me bring 4 of them" We have a big history of trust issues, secrecy and flirting on his side which we were working on and I thought he wasn't like that any more. He has said it was just a joke with a mate and all men joke like that and it doesn't mean anything It has hurt me, scared me and I feel saying something like that as even a joke is wrong and disrespectful to the relationship. It's showing his mate he has no respect for me. I also feel to say something like that there has to be an element of truth behind it. Am I over reacting because of past hurts with him or am I justified.

TheMich Recently separated.. I think
  • replies: 5

I have recently separated from my partner of 22 years. I made the final decision at xmas and moved out after dealing with a couple of years of abuse, an emotional affair, and not really understanding where I stand. He is 49 and I am 46. We own proper... View more

I have recently separated from my partner of 22 years. I made the final decision at xmas and moved out after dealing with a couple of years of abuse, an emotional affair, and not really understanding where I stand. He is 49 and I am 46. We own properties together and he is living in our main residential property. We do not have children together, however I have 2 adult girls that he has assisted in bringing up. After not having a conversation with for 1 month, I called in unannounced to have a 'discussion'. He is not keen on speaking about anything, but says we dont have to sell the house yet, I am not sure if I want you in my life, then says maybe wait another month as I everything may be clearer. I have absolutely no idea where I stand. Its like he is hanging on to me 'just in case'. He does not have anyone else and says he isnt interested in anyone else, as he just wants to be alone. He just tells his family that I am busy at work and staying in our unit (which is 1 hour away from our residential home). So I just getting to point that I cant be bothered anymore. I go to home when I know he isnt there mainly to walk my dog and have a spa! So my question is... after 22 years do I just give up and focus on myself?

Kkk78 I'm depressed & my husband says it's best for kids if I live elsewhere.
  • replies: 2

I am 42 years old. Married for 15 years with 4 children. I am also a recovering drug addict of almost 2 years. I started using drugs when I was 36 after my husband 'accidentally' cheated on me with my best friend. my addiction took a pretty good hold... View more

I am 42 years old. Married for 15 years with 4 children. I am also a recovering drug addict of almost 2 years. I started using drugs when I was 36 after my husband 'accidentally' cheated on me with my best friend. my addiction took a pretty good hold of me and I did change I became distant and I was extremely angry and most of that anger went towards him. We started fighting a lot and got bad, not violent but at times I scared the kids because I'd be yelling at him or just had the shits. It wasn't a nice household to live in some days - I was using drugs and I was also extremely depressed - so when I was down that's when all my emotional needs came out too and I was stuck in the past - I hadn't moved on from his betrayal and I think he pretty well had just had enough of hearing the word like "trigger, trauma" He switched off emotionally to me it feels. so here we are today. I'm clean and sober 2 years and life has dramatically improved from back then - His wording to describing my progress is things like chalk n cheese. When I am good, when I'm severely depressed I'm bad as in I retreat within myself or I a can get snappy. I become needy, I want to feel safe n loved. I was depressed on Friday - it was a very dark place to be in n feel alone. I left the house after a fight, on Monday he came to my counseling session with me - which he later told me I only took him as a manipulative tactic? He told me while I was with her that I need to go away and fix myself before I can come home HE said it's like walking on eggshells in house n he's not doing that to the kids. My daughter told me she wants me home n did say it can be a bit tense but it's not move out wort - This happens like every 6 months it feels like and when my depression starts, he feels blamed and he checks out on me. I remember once I had to go to the hospital for some treatment and he just dropped me off at front door and he drove off - that's the best way I can explain his actions. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am alone. I am sad and without my children. Has anyone gone through this, am I in the wrong for feeling abandoned? My councillor said to him she's worried for me, I had to drive 250ks away to my plates house.

Angel4 Emotional Cheating? Moving Forward
  • replies: 4

I'm in my 40's & in my 2nd marriage. We still have fights like normal couples, they are small & our relationship has been great. Fast forward to last year. My husband had a physical medical incident. Since then we've had some pretty serious fights. I... View more

I'm in my 40's & in my 2nd marriage. We still have fights like normal couples, they are small & our relationship has been great. Fast forward to last year. My husband had a physical medical incident. Since then we've had some pretty serious fights. I felt like the way he's treating me has changed. I have anxiety as my last relationship before him, was very emotional abusive. Towards the end of last year I sort help for my anxiety & had good results. I am still down about my weight but I am activity exercising & feeling better (he's noticed too). I had to check my husband text on his phone not long ago because he asked (we've always had each others phone details and no secrets) & out of curiosity I flicked through them. I found a message from an old friend that he got back in touch with last year. The conversation was pretty general until I found a photo that she sent first one day of her with very little clothing on. The photo was taken to make sure you could clearly see everything. A couple of mild flirty texts later its like my husband realised what she was doing and signed off that chat. They had previously arranged to meet at a shop for a coffee which they still did. Following the catch up he text her it was good to catch up with an old friend & he had missed her. He has since instigated every text there after until I found out. Those txts where just general - hows your day kind of stuff. But they reminded me of what someone would do when trying to get to know another person. I confronted him. First he was angry because I went through his phone, told me that he had told me he was catching up with her (later admitted that he knew he hadn't). He always said he would never do this to me as his 1st wife cheated and he knew how it hurt. He's very apologetic now, said he's sorry it will never happen again, doesn't want to lose me, loves me & will do counselling. It really hurts he never did anything like this to his 1st wife & she cheated. I've never gave any doubt about my loyalty & he does this. He even said if I had done what he had done, he would have possibly walked out (because of what he went through with his 1st wife). I use to trust him 100% but now I don't. We are going to attend marriage counselling (he is already in counselling for depression brought on by his medical incident) but I can't shake how I feel. We are trying now to be more attentive to one another like we use to but it just feels fake. Do the hurt feelings ever go away?