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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Helarctus Through the corrective lens: How medication has changed things
  • replies: 4

So as a chronic depressive, I managed myself without medication for a few decades, during which I met my wife, had kids, jumped from job to job and did all sorts of silly things with the occasional hiccup along the way, leading to a few stints "insid... View more

So as a chronic depressive, I managed myself without medication for a few decades, during which I met my wife, had kids, jumped from job to job and did all sorts of silly things with the occasional hiccup along the way, leading to a few stints "inside" locked wards of the various psych hospitals local to where-ever we were. Then I hit a few heavier speed bumps and jumped the curb, ploughing sideways, on fire, through the bushes with the music cranked to eleven. Metaphorically. Skip to now, various medication rotations and trials later, 3rd party observers commenting that I look better, they wouldn't know I had been depressed, etc. Except I feel the same or worse most days, the meds just make maintaining the façade easier. COVID-19 has also helped, reducing the amount of contact with others who might otherwise have opportunity to observe and comment. Which brings me to now v.s. then. On the meds, I am meant to be "better" and more the person I actually am, and I note that I have become or am disengaged emotionally from my wife and children. They exist, I am aware of them and that I have responsibilities and obligations in keeping them alive and well, but there is no sense of affection. I check in, help out, etc. because that is "the thing to do". They are strangers to me otherwise. I don't seem able to empathise with them, I just analyse who and what is in front of me and deduce if the situation requires my intervention or to get out of the way. I can recall that I used to feel something else, I can see pictures from years ago where the person who could have been me, seems to have been happy or excited. Its all facts now, like looking at an old newspaper article that tells you the temperature on the day but not what it was like to walk around in it. Everybody else seems happier with me on this blend. My wife has stated so, which begs the question as to why she married me then when I was not who I am now? Why keep taking the meds at all if I am not feeling a benefit? The doses I am on to get to this state require my GP to phone the prescription through to some national centre for authorisation to get more because they will slowly kill me by poisoning my organs. Every month I shovel out more money that could be put aside for the wife and kids. Every day the cost vs benefit skews more to the former than the latter. I am not ok, at some point I'm going to fail at pretending to be ok. Have some calls to make.

w1nn1e Constantly let down in friendships....
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. Hoping I can get some advice. I'm a person that has very few close friends. Without sounding arrogant, I feel like I am a person who goes above and beyond for their friends but lately I've been noticing I rarely get it in return. It's ex... View more

Hi everyone. Hoping I can get some advice. I'm a person that has very few close friends. Without sounding arrogant, I feel like I am a person who goes above and beyond for their friends but lately I've been noticing I rarely get it in return. It's exhausting and makes me feel extremely down about myself, like people just don't care about me. I know that's not true, but as I grow up I find it harder to accept that people just don't value friendships the way I do, I guess? I know its something I should just accept but I'm finding it difficult. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive or what but its things like common courtesy that some people in my life just don't have and it really upsets me when they don't show it. For example, I am planning something special for my birthday which is extremely important to me and 2 people that I thought were close to me kinda just flaked on it without a proper apology and I also know that they won't bother to organize anything else at another time as an alternative. Again, its the whole different mindset thing that really bugs me because I would never do that to a friend. I know the world doesn't revolve around me btw, this last year has just been difficult for me loosing friendships over things that could be easily sorted with honesty and open conversation but I've just had to let it go because I know I deserve better. It still hurts though. Any advice or thoughts from anyone who has experienced a similar friendship rut would be appreciated.

Guest9337 Sex & intimacy in Relationships. Monogamy, polygamy, polyamorous, asexual, sexless, open, variable, intimate and consentual.
  • replies: 3

G'day Everyone I hope you are all happy healthy and wise! Welcome to a thread where we shall discuss Sex in Relationships. Please follow all the guidelines about the topic already published on bb and please use the report post to keep the topic civil... View more

G'day Everyone I hope you are all happy healthy and wise! Welcome to a thread where we shall discuss Sex in Relationships. Please follow all the guidelines about the topic already published on bb and please use the report post to keep the topic civilised thx. So as I always do when I come to a new place I seek out the values and rules of the community and see how those ideals relate to myself and my perceptions of others, and around and around up and down, inside out and outside in, left n right, and a dance about it all too! Fidelity is a huge topic for long term relationships here in Australia. The standard aussie cis-position idealised is, man+woman become husband and wife and have great monogamous sex for a lifetime, if the kids don't interfere! Reality is much less idealised for many... but might be just as "healthy" regardless! On BB I see a lot of people who are hurt by the infidelity of partners. I see a lot of people who are hurt by the lack of intimacy in a relationship. I see people acknowledging shallow sex in casual relationships is unfulfilling. Sexless is defined as less than 3 times a year by some sources, others hold less than once a month or 10 times a year as low sex frequencies. Hypersexuality is considered to be thinking and feeling sexual so often that it interferes with work, relationships and life in general. So between sexless and hypersexuality outliers are the positions of auto-erotic and polyamorous. That being sex with oneself only, and sex with multiple consenting and informed partners. And we reject in this thread all the horrible nastiness of non-consenting sex, in this thread we come in as people seeking ways to negotiate consenting fulfilling and healthy sex inside of relationships. So lets start with me... online I can fall in love with somebody just by reading their words, apparently this is called "pansexual", but for me it is more akin to platonic love having nothing sexual about the feeling. In the physical world I am bisexual, monogamous and loyal inside a long term marriage as a husband to a wife I deeply love. By the definitions above, I am also in a sexless marriage... and I am frustrated about that. What do I do?

toile Copying with infidelity/ long distance/ forgiveness or moving on
  • replies: 3

Hi there, I’m here just to take things out of chest as the pain and hurt I’m going in thru is extremely unbearable. I have a very loud, bubbly personality but I’ve been reduced to few words a day. here is my story. I’ve been in a relationship for 11 ... View more

Hi there, I’m here just to take things out of chest as the pain and hurt I’m going in thru is extremely unbearable. I have a very loud, bubbly personality but I’ve been reduced to few words a day. here is my story. I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years. Met my boyfriend after high school. Our relationship was great. We travelled a lot together, we were always there for each other, supported each other, we both bought our house (separately) and made plans to move to the UK last year. Due my cultural upbringing we were not allowed to live together. Last year, we decided that we needed to take our relationship to the next level and get engaged. He asked my parents for their blessings which they provided and we were planing to have our formal engagement party on July 3 2021. On thé night of 24 June, I received a call from a girl using my boyfriend’s number at 2am telling me that she was sleeping in my boyfriend’s bed and she’s done so for the last 3 months. on that night, my world changed. My boyfriend later admitted to me that she wasn’t the only woman he cheated on me with. There was other 4 women. He admitted to the whole story but only after he continued to sleep with the other girl after I already found out about her for 3 days. The girl shared with me their texts, they took videos having sex and they even made plans to move to the uk together. After I called off the engagement, He apologised and all, he was very remorseful and given that he’s the only man I’ve known and I still love him... I decided to work things out with him. However he’s now moving to the UK next month and I just learnt I can’t move as I’ve just missed the deadline for visa application as I just turned 31. he wants to work things out but I’m having issues trusting him here let alone trusting when he will be overseas. I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep, I can’t breath… all I want to do is cry all the time. I feel extremely hopeless. I cannot believe that he cheated on me… and even when he’s trying to be nice all I think about is him and the other woman. I just wish I could go in a coma for 6 months and not wake up. I can’t deal with this pain anymore. I am hopeless.

Mr K Moving Forward after separation, new possibilities but how to respect the past?
  • replies: 3

After accepting that my relationship was officially over (not the same as emotionally over), I have managed in many ways to live a better life than I had for over a decade. I still have 50% care of my beautiful children, I'm still managing to pay my ... View more

After accepting that my relationship was officially over (not the same as emotionally over), I have managed in many ways to live a better life than I had for over a decade. I still have 50% care of my beautiful children, I'm still managing to pay my way in life as well as supporting my past commitments i.e. as we have not yet formalised the separation of assets so I'm still paying a mortgage as well as rent and other living costs. I have met a new partner who feels like a real soulmate and my mental health is steady. My kids seem happy and content at least when with me which was, is and always will be my number one priority. What I struggle with is when the ink is dried and the divorce and assets are finalised how do I respectfully maintain my relationship with my now in-laws, who have remained amicable and supportive, whilst developing my new relationship?

Torn and broken Dealing with Ex’s , is it jealousy or disrespectful
  • replies: 20

Hi there not Sure where to start. I’ve been with my partner for a few years now and we share a house together. I’m very much in love with this man but feel like I have put up with a lot to keep the relationship together. We have a beautiful connectio... View more

Hi there not Sure where to start. I’ve been with my partner for a few years now and we share a house together. I’m very much in love with this man but feel like I have put up with a lot to keep the relationship together. We have a beautiful connection, extremely intimate and enjoy each other’s company. He spoils me rotten as I do him but feel there is two sides to this man. I feel we are only at our happiest if I keep my unhappy feelings to myself. Omit seems if I ever disagree with someone ie Ex’s he gets very cross at me and says I’m jealous. To fill you in a little, 5 months into our relationship he went back to his ex girlfriend for a week but then came back to me. I took him back. Along the way he also told me in anger that he did not know if he was still in love with his ex wife. 4 years later I have dealt with 4 occasions where he has been in contact with his ex girlfriend (not wife ) because he wasn’t sure about us. His ex girlfriend engaged with the contact because she was still in love with him. On all occasions I was completely devastated but he managed to win my heart back. As far as I know that contact ended over a year ago. My issue now is his ex wife is always asking for help with maintenance around the house as she is single and has been since their divorce which was her decision This makes me uncomfortable and I tell him so as I feel he should tell her she needs to sort things out herself now and not rely on him Am I wrong to ask him to do this , is it jealousy or is it disrespectful on his behalf and should he be putting my feelings first at the end of the day I feel he doesn’t want to upset her by saying no he can’t do it but doesn’t mind hurting my feelings I feel like I have been through enough of disrespect with this man when it comes to ex’s but just don’t know what to do I can imagine some people would just be saying leave him which is what my friends say but like I said there are two parts to this man He is so loving , generous, fun to be around , treats me like a queen but then when these issues arise , he calls me jealous and is awful to me Your honest answers will be gladly received Thsnk you for taking the time to read

Rowa_Aka Loveless marriage
  • replies: 2

I have been married for 20 years but have not been intimate with my husband for more than 8 years. I am feeling neglected and unloved. We have 2 children and I feel I am like a single parent. I take a load on my shoulders and am finding myself being ... View more

I have been married for 20 years but have not been intimate with my husband for more than 8 years. I am feeling neglected and unloved. We have 2 children and I feel I am like a single parent. I take a load on my shoulders and am finding myself being angry and lonely all the time. I work full time, take kids to appointments and activites, come home and start cooking, still have to do household duties, dont stop until midnight and am always feeling exhausted yet I still crave to have some intimacy. My husband stays home all day and is always on the computer, phone, ipad and napping and does very little to support me. He hardly ever comes to bed and tends to sleep on the lounge in front of the TV despite many attempts to tell him to go to bed. I feel like we have a more brother sister relationship than a marriage. He has a good heart and is a very placid person, he always has intentions of doing things but never eventuates to do anything... I feel in front of people he tries to make out we have a perfect loving relationship and tries to be warm and cuddly but thats just it... at home he doesnt come anywhere near me and its like hes in another world. I have asked him to come and seek some counselling but he refuses and says there is nothing wrong. I am often feeling sad and feel like I am just existing... I do everything for my family and my kids keep me feeling alive. I most of the time feel like I am more needed rather than loved and feel like if I stop then the world will stop because I am the glue that keeps us all together. It is extremely difficult when the relationship is one sided. We often get into arguments and I am angry for a couple of days and then when things calm down he thinks things are back to normal. He doesnt do any tasks around the house until I have a melt down and then he tends to get my kids to help him do things and he then thinks that everything is ok again. I have threatened to leave him but he thinks I am only joking. I am only staying for my kids because I have discussed it with them and I feel a split would be traumatising for them judging by their reaction so far. Ihave a child with emotional issues. I hate my situation as I am often arguing in front of the kids and I dont want to but I just tend to do it without any control. I love my kids too much to just up and leave. I feel i cannot control my emotions and get triggered very easily. I am getting to the point that I hate myself for thinking like that. I feel trapped.

grega dumped by fwb - I'm taking it much harder than I imagined (need advice badly)
  • replies: 5

Please don't dismiss this just because of the fwb title. I'm seeing a therapist in a week, but until then I don't know how to cope without being a total wreck. I just broke out crying in public and I don't want to be like this Anyway She's a friend o... View more

Please don't dismiss this just because of the fwb title. I'm seeing a therapist in a week, but until then I don't know how to cope without being a total wreck. I just broke out crying in public and I don't want to be like this Anyway She's a friend of 12 years. We didn't speak often, but when we did it always felt like two kindred souls reconnecting. We were supposed to be just friends with benefits. At least that was the proposition she contacted me with out of the blue, a good 2 months ago, after ending her 3 year long-distance relationship that turned ugly. I naively agreed. The sex and chemistry were incredible, conversations sincere and meaningful. It felt like putting in the last missing piece into our relationship. I messed up and got careless. I began to develop feelings very quickly like an oblivious junky drugged out on lust and pheromones. She said was stepping on all her emotional breaks not to. A week ago she met someone from her town. He's kind, safe, normal. It feels healthy. Me and her, we live in different parts of the country. She desperately craves some semblance of stability because she never had it. She recently found a job that she loves. It grounds her and it helps her with her anxiety. She said she always felt like a bird without a nest, constantly relocating, and that she's exhausted. Hearing that really touched me. She needs this now. For herself and for her child. There remains mutual respect and attraction between us, but the trajectories of our lives at this point in time seem to be irreconcilably missaligned. I asked her to let me know if she catches herself missing me and she promised me she would. When I told her how I felt about her she said she wishes I would have told her sooner. Now I'm thinking of every miniscule thing I should have said and asked that I didn't (negotiating the distance problem, maybe she'd be ok with me driving there every weekend), but I know the time for that conversation has passed. Now I would come off only as desperate, pushy and needy, and she would lose all attraction she has for me. I'm so deeply sad. I care about her so much and I wish her to be happy and fulfilled, but the thought of someone else caressing her, holding her close at night, breathing with her, falling in love together...it kills me beyond words. It feels paralyzing. I'm really struggling to move on and focus on myself, I miss her so damn much and I just want this goddamn pain to stop.

Rosepetals Exhausted and lost
  • replies: 5

Hi there, First time doing something like this but I don’t know what else I can try! My partner and I have been together for the past 2.5 years, engaged, blended family I have 3 kids he has 4 kids. Everything has been great and our relationship was a... View more

Hi there, First time doing something like this but I don’t know what else I can try! My partner and I have been together for the past 2.5 years, engaged, blended family I have 3 kids he has 4 kids. Everything has been great and our relationship was amazing until just recently. He is a FIFO working too but loves working away and enjoys his job. I have been dealing with a lot with finding out I need a hysterectomy, one of my children moving to her dads because she has fallen into the wrong crowd and failing at school. After finding out that the choice of having anymore children was taken away from me, I have been emotional as you can understand as my partner and I were talking about having a child together before finding this out. So I was guttered but he was focusing on the positive side going on holidays ect. His last swing away I needed his support as that’s when I found out this information and he started to get distance with me that was a month ago. When he got home he was disconnected, not wanting to give support and didn’t care if I was hurting. He told me that he is feeling depressed, lost, confused and wants to be alone but it has nothing to do with me, our relationship or what I am going through. I try to put my own issues aside to try and be there for him and support him through whatever he is going through. He has refused medical help of any kind. Everything he has asked for he has received and I mean everything. He went back to work, stopped calling me every night, I message he will ignore me, I call him he doesn’t pick up, he has stopped calling me pet names, stopped with an affection at all, he is getting angry and frustrated with me all the time, doesn’t want to talk about us/his feeling/our future nothing! Then started to say he might go and stay at his dads when he is home next week because he wants to be alone. I am now on day the 4th day of him not contacting me at all and I am now at the point I am a mess. My anxiety is through the roof, I am having panic attacks and it’s affecting my children. I don’t know if he is coming home! I am in limbo and I have wrapped my whole life around him including my job (i gave up a full time job) because of the fifo life. Now I feel heart broken, alone and that my whole life is falling apart. How do I help someone who doesn’t want help and wants to destroy everything we have built when I truely was so great? Thank you x

abcdefghijkl Never feel as though I am enough…
  • replies: 3

Hi Everyone, This is my first time ever doing something like this… I’m quite a private person so I would normally never speak on such a public forum like this. But at this point in time I don’t feel as though I have anyone left. I can’t talk to my fa... View more

Hi Everyone, This is my first time ever doing something like this… I’m quite a private person so I would normally never speak on such a public forum like this. But at this point in time I don’t feel as though I have anyone left. I can’t talk to my family or friends about what’s going on in my relationship, because I know that it will negatively impact the way they perceive my boyfriend. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 9.5 years. For the longest time I had so much hope for our relationship, and felt as though we were going to spend our lives together. For as long as I can remember, I have loved him with ever fibre of my being. Almost a year ago, I discovered that he had been researching brothels and was considering cheating on me. When I found out, I was devastated and I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. We were broken up for six weeks before we decided to get back together. A month ago, I discovered that he was considering it again. To say that my self-esteem and trust were destroyed would be an understatement. He promised me that he would change and that he would never actually go through with it. But I’m not so sure. I love him so much, and I want to believe that he loves me enough not to hurt me like that. But the fact is, even if he had gone through with it, he would never admit it to me. And so I find myself in this constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. After all of this, I can’t help but feel like I’ll ever be enough for him. It’s getting to be too much and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll never look like the girls he wants to be with… But I don’t know what would be worse, the pain of letting him and our relationship go, or the constant feeling of not being enough.