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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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LilianR Stonewalling
  • replies: 6

Hi Everyone I am new here but interested to know more about stonewalling. My husband has had a lot of experience as he has been doing it to me for as long as I can remember but at this time in my life I have reach the end of my tether with it. He bla... View more

Hi Everyone I am new here but interested to know more about stonewalling. My husband has had a lot of experience as he has been doing it to me for as long as I can remember but at this time in my life I have reach the end of my tether with it. He blames me for him doing it, and actually says I am the one who starts it so I am wondering how others have coped with the silent treatment over & over again, sometimes just for a few hours but mostly for a lot longer, sometimes even weeks.....I find now that I don't try to talk to him when he is like this as it goes nowhere, I just have to ride it out until he decides to start talking...

Mr K Amicable separation but why is it always on their terms?
  • replies: 3

Some background: Separated initiated by wife for well over a year now. 50/50 shared care of two children both under 10 I'm still paying half mortgage, half rates, childcare as well as my own rent and living expenses. Life on a day to day basis is rel... View more

Some background: Separated initiated by wife for well over a year now. 50/50 shared care of two children both under 10 I'm still paying half mortgage, half rates, childcare as well as my own rent and living expenses. Life on a day to day basis is relatively good, I still have my job, I'm not being subjected to constant gas-lighting and I'm trying my utmost to build a new happy life myself and most importantly my children. What is now holding me back is the inertia surrounding separation of assets which will ultimately be concluded with our divorce. The intention mutually agreed was for my wife to remain in and ultimately take over the mortgage of our house. I moved locally into a rented unit so I could stay close and available to my kids including their school, before/after school and family day. I agreed to a percentage split of assets that although unequal would not cause either of us any undue hardship. My concern now is that there appears to be little or no progress re her taking over the loan, the status quo is going on and on. Although she is relatively unaffected by this as I am still contributing my own quality of life, ability to plan and ultimately move forward is significantly compromised. The situation is frustrating my new partner as much and there is now a genuine risk to that relationship developing too. I am completely at a loss as to how to progress this constructively. I've explained my frustrations and concerns to my ex and am hoping we can meet together and discuss soon. I am very worried that the gas-lighting will come back into play not to mention the terrible stories I've heard of exes causing serious trouble for fathers, reducing access or worse. I feel like I have compromised to the point where it would be easier to walk away from the assets but I also know that without some sort of payment mine and my kids lifestyle will be significantly compromised. Please help, K.

Cyn2k12 Confused, depressed and anxious.
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, my Apologies for long post I know I’ve posted in here before with regards to my husbands depression and anxiety so forgive me for rambling. to start off with I suffer with chronic anxiety and depression which was diagnosed by my GP, same... View more

Hi everyone, my Apologies for long post I know I’ve posted in here before with regards to my husbands depression and anxiety so forgive me for rambling. to start off with I suffer with chronic anxiety and depression which was diagnosed by my GP, same with my husbands depression. 7 years ago we came close to separation due to stress, no support from family me cheating on my husband and feeling isolated as I’m originally from the uk and only have my husband and daughter to talk to. 7 years later which Is now we’ve been through couple’s counseling with 3 different counsellers, 3rd really helped a lot. For the most part we’re doing fine our marriage is a lot better we’re communicating better. only problem is due to my husbands depression and anxiety he has a problem of still thinking I’m up to no good, it flares up my own anxiety and depression and I personally feel like breaking down. It’s becoming consistent lately, we have a nightmare neighbour stalking us and making a lot of noise irritating both me and my husband. My father in law has our daughter due to what happened in 2014. Which is additional stress, to top it off I have to message my husband every time I go out and let him know where I am. It’s the same with social media. I’m restricted on what I can go on, who I chat with, or if something I don’t recognise like on Instagram or Facebook my husband is automatically assuming I’m up to something or knifing him in the back. My husband has had bad issues with being treated badly by his own family and thinks I’ll do the same. I’m currently at a loss and I’m barely coping with my own depression and I’m currently on antidepressants and anxiety medication. Sorry for rambling

ReeCar123 Dealing with incomplete grief
  • replies: 3

Dear All, I am in a relationship with a lovely man who separated from his wife three years ago. He struggled letting go for a long time and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with her in the beginning. He did not want to be her, did not love her b... View more

Dear All, I am in a relationship with a lovely man who separated from his wife three years ago. He struggled letting go for a long time and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with her in the beginning. He did not want to be her, did not love her but there was an unhealthy codependency and so their connection felt like a safety net that he believed he needed. He had experienced neglect as a child and basically reproduced the same kind of relationship in his marriage. His wife was an alcoholic who did not treat him well at all. She is very manipulative and unkind. We were on and off a lot because of his struggles to let go. For a year now, we have made it without any breakups. He just finally got the chance to finalise the legal separation from her (she was in a mental hospital for a long time and has been living in another state), sold his house and this week, moved out of the house that they had lived in. This has brought up a lot of incomplete grief because he regularly distracted himself from grieving the loss of the marriage and subsequently got stuck in pining, wondering what if, etc. Today, his psychologist gave him some firmer guidelines and the task to begin the grieving process. My partner said he got strategies to do that and to see the current lockdown as an opportunity to embrace his painful emotions fully by himself, in all new surroundings with no safe place and no more familiar belongings. I think this is very necessary although it hurts because this means that we are on a time-out indefinitely. I support him in this journey and want him to do it, for his own sake and so that he can actually fully commit to us. That has not been possible so far. I would like to understand more about the strategies he may be applying and what to look out for when we reconnect in the a while. I want him to stay focused on this task but I will not have any contact with him and I would, for my own peace of mind, like to understand what it takes to deal and release incomplete grief. Would any of you know how this works? He said his psychologist told him it will not be pleasant, that he will need to face his emotions, cry if need be, write down all his thoughts and have different notebooks around the house so he can write whenever a new memory or thought comes to mind. What I am wondering is, how do you conjure up those feelings and thoughts? It's not like you can easily force it, or can you, considering you constantly carry the grief with you deep down?

gloria10 Feeling blindsighted by someone I felt I could trust
  • replies: 2

I wasn't sure where to put this post as it falls in both anxiety and relationships, but it's a professional relationship. I've recently signed up to volunteer and I was looking forward to starting. It was a long process, but I stuck it out as I liked... View more

I wasn't sure where to put this post as it falls in both anxiety and relationships, but it's a professional relationship. I've recently signed up to volunteer and I was looking forward to starting. It was a long process, but I stuck it out as I liked the company, it was local and it was in line with what I wanted to do for work (I thought it would be a good experience). The person who dealt with the recruiting process made things difficult from early on. They took forever to respond and didn't explain certain steps until I was in the meeting, rather than being upfront. When we did meet they made it sound like they could help me get a job there. The duties also sounded interesting and like there would be a bit of variety. When I started, I realised they didn't really have a say in the hiring process and that unless advertised, jobs wouldn't be available. I feel like they lied to me in order to get me into the volunteering position, as they haven't got many, but I would have rather they were honest. I don't mind doing simple tasks, but I felt like there was more on offer during the initial stages that made me interested in the volunteer role. I guess the biggest thing for me was that this person came across as quite trustworthy and they were building a rapport as well, I think I'm just surprised it turned around quickly and I'm now doing something mundane. Any advice on how to deal with this? I still think volunteering will be good as the staff seemed nice, but my trust is broken.

Lisa_Lionheart I don't know what I'm doing
  • replies: 4

I just need to talk to someone that doesn't know me. This year has been utter shit for me. I was in my last semester of uni when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I took a leave of absence to become her carer. She doesn't have long accordi... View more

I just need to talk to someone that doesn't know me. This year has been utter shit for me. I was in my last semester of uni when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I took a leave of absence to become her carer. She doesn't have long according to the doctors and I feel completely isolated and alone in looking after her. Add to that Melbourne lockdown and it's hard to see that there will be brighter days. I have a history of severe anxiety and depression and while I think I'm semi ok now, I worry that I will break at some point. I have been questioning all my relationships and if I really, genuinely have a connection with anyone. In saying that, I don't want to be around anyone. People annoy me. I dunno, I just need to hear someone else is going through this or something.

fleshblur I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing & complicated for me. Let me explain.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing and complicated for me. Let me explain. Firstly, I'll elaborate on what I mean by touch. I'm talking about hugs, side hugs, tic... View more

Hi everyone, I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing and complicated for me. Let me explain. Firstly, I'll elaborate on what I mean by touch. I'm talking about hugs, side hugs, tickling, they throw their arm over my shoulder (because I'm short enough for them to comfortably do that), back hugs and hand holding (only that one time though). So, it's confusing because I didn't know they were such a touchy person? I knew them in high school and I didn't think they seemed like that but maybe it's because they're more comfortable with me? I do worry that it might be because I mentioned that I like physical affection in a conversation once because it kind of started happening since then. It's complicated even more by the fact that I enjoy these moments and gestures. It feels nice and comforting. So I don't want to ask why they're doing it because I'm scared it might stop. I'm willing to not know the reasons why if I know the boundaries of what were doing. How often can I do it? How far can I take these touches and gestures (like can we cuddle or hold hands sometimes)? How long can they last for? Because them having their arm over my shoulder and me holding on to the hand draped over my shoulder is very comfy and nice. I can hold that position for a long time. But I don't know what they're opinion or thoughts on this because I'm too scared to mention it to them and make it awkward. I'm also not very articulate or clear in what I say sometimes so it complicates conversations a lot. Also, sometimes I get a hot/cold vibe from them because they'll back hug me and they're chill. But then when I'm cuddling into their side on the couch they'll tickle me and I just feel like the action is telling me to get off?? Oh my god, I don't think I made much sense at all. Ultimately, I just want to know what I should do in order to address these concerns(?)/thoughts(??) of mine. Feel free to ask me questions about stuff if something didn't make any sense.

Kitty1991 Struggling with relationship
  • replies: 16

Hi everyone, my partner and I have been together for 10 years and engaged for about 5-6 years. I am the only one working and we struggle on a single income and are unable to save any money. I find this so stressful, I always have. I am always researc... View more

Hi everyone, my partner and I have been together for 10 years and engaged for about 5-6 years. I am the only one working and we struggle on a single income and are unable to save any money. I find this so stressful, I always have. I am always researching better ways to budget and trying to cut down on spending, but the money in and out doesn’t really change. I try really hard to provide my partner what every he needs/wants. I manage the money so he can travel several times a year to go visit his family, and this means I cannot visit mine. I get to visit family for Christmas approx every 2-3 years. I try and talk to my partner about the budget and how I need help but I am always told that it is my money and my problem. I guess I have been living in fairy land because I really thought as an engaged couple we should be working towards similar goals, but we are not. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago. I told my partner, explained the side effects of my medication etc... About a month ago I was told I now have extremely severe depression and extremely severe anxiety. Not really coping to well. My partner forgot that I was depressed... I struggle to leave my house without a mental breakdown. I have asked my partner to go to couples counseling with me because I am not happy and struggling. He has agreed to go but he doesn’t think it will help with my depression and anxiety because I must have some cognitive issues. He flat out refused today to even consider getting a job, as he refuses to be subordinate to someone, and that I am really shallow for wanting more money. I think I am looking for security and support. I am now freaking out that I am shallow and greedy. Also freaking out about the potential of us breaking up, I have never broken up with anyone before. Am I being too unreasonable? Does anyone have experience with couples counseling? Will it help or make it worse?

Calloy Need advice regarding my twin sister
  • replies: 5

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and could use some advice. I feel like my relationship with my twin sister has gotten very distant and I’m not sure why and what I can do about it. So just a bit of background…I am female and in my 40s and I have suff... View more

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and could use some advice. I feel like my relationship with my twin sister has gotten very distant and I’m not sure why and what I can do about it. So just a bit of background…I am female and in my 40s and I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. In particular I have high social anxiety and social interactions can be difficult for me even with people I know well. My sister is married and has two teenage kids. I am also married but have choosen not to have kids. We used to be close as teenagers and even lived together in our early 20s but now it seems she just doesn’t have any desire to keep in touch anymore. We do not live close (over 800 kms apart) so we do not see each other often but she has also stopped contacting me in any way. It has now been over 4 months since we had any contact and that was via text. I know she has a very busy life but surely she has 30 seconds to send a text. I know everyone will say that I could be the first to contact her but I have deliberately left it up to her as I feel I am always the one making contact and I wanted to see how long it would take her (4 months+ apparently). There have been a couple of incidents which have really upset me but I have not been brave enough to tell her how hurt I was. I know she will not even see an issue. The most recent happened in April. My sister and her family were travelling up my way for the school holidays. They passed within 15kms of my house on they way to their holiday destination and didn’t “have time” to drop in for a visit. I would have been happy to even meet somewhere but that wasn’t even suggested. This was around the last time we talked. This whole situation is causing so much anxiety that I feel physically sick. I actually feel nauseous just writing about it. The thought of texting her about this whole situation or about my feelings fills me with panic and dread. I doubt she even thinks there is a problem. She probably doesn’t even realise how long it’s been since we were last in touch. I doubt I enter her thoughts much at all to be honest . I think our relationship is more important to me than it is to her. Anyway if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Honestly it feels good just putting my feelings out there even if it is not to the right person.

Losingtheplot29 Emotional Abuse
  • replies: 7

Hello, My wife and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage, but I don't know what to do anymore. I am constantly told that I am worthless, am told I stuff everything up, don't have a brain, and am extremely insincere. All of this, she says in front o... View more

Hello, My wife and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage, but I don't know what to do anymore. I am constantly told that I am worthless, am told I stuff everything up, don't have a brain, and am extremely insincere. All of this, she says in front of our kids, and then says to them, when they become anxious about the fighting, that this is normal, and they should be aware of it. If I try and mention that I disagree, I am then abused and yelled at, so I have to take the moderator route. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Aspergers; which was a big relief for me as it explained so much of why certain things have happened the way they have throughout my life. Whilst my wife agrees that I have this, she constantly bags me for being the way I am and gets frustrated that I don't do things they way she would do them, or say stupid things. 'I have had enough time now to learn to be neurotypical and be normal like everyone else'. I am told that I gaslight her, when something happens. My wife is very insecure and can never trust anyone, so always believes a situation is how she thinks the situation is, so when I am in a situation of having to defend myself for something she believes I have done, I often have to let her win, and then admit that I have done wrong because erupts and causes the biggest scene. I do this for my kids, but I cannot tolerate this anymore. Last night, I was asked to pay a 'bill', so I paid the one that was due in a few days, but then later got told off because I didn't pay the 'bills' including the one that was due in 3 weeks. I was told off for being incompetent, and stupid, and that 'normal' people wouldn't make this mistake. I was also told for eating something from the fridge after my wife went to be from the previous night. She claims I am sneaking... I am truly at a loss; we've had counselling; which only went her way because I couldn't bring up anything that she did as she would always 'deflect' on to me, and my wife managed to control the counsellor into focusing on everything I did wrong. I have even tried to get my own counselling, which had to be done behind my wife's back, but the counsellor ended up knowing her in my local suburb, so I had to stop. I am not perfect, but I have always supported my wife. She has depression and is medicated. I have always been there for her and have stayed with her to protect my kids. My other family are basically estranged because she finds fault with them too, so I can't get help from them.