Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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whichwayhome Living with ignorance and conflict
  • replies: 4

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and ta... View more

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and takes it out on me. I've grown relatively used to it at this point. My dad had heart surgery and unfortunately suffered a stroke as a consequence. This past year has been devoted to helping him get better, and I absolutely place his health paramount over mine in this scenario. But I really did think my mum would be more sympathetic to my own issues after everything that happened. I guess that wasn't the case because she seems to ignore my boundaries I have set in the case of conflict. I struggle in understanding others' emotions and need them to be verbally expressed. I've communicated this to my mum but it seems she forgets in her outbursts. I've been called a couple derogatory names when this happens, and she expects me to know everything she feels, when it's already hard enough for me to even decipher how someone feels. However, the worst part of it is she's never apologised to me, when I've asked her if she could she either ignores me or gets mad again. I apologise to her whenever I accidentally go back to my blunt tone (it comes off as standoffish, so I've made an effort to give my voice a happy tone consistently) and other minor things. However, never once in my life have I received an apology for various names, which I won't repeat. This was the same until a few weeks ago, where I refused to back down until she agreed to give me the same respect she demands from me and apologise for ignoring everything I say and never accepting when she's wrong. My dad told me later that's the first time he's ever heard her apologise to anyone. Unfortunately, this was short lived as soon enough, she had a few glasses of wine and started yelling at me for forgetting to shut the door. Back and forth, as always. But this time, I finally was able to express emotions properly. I broke down crying, and had a panic attack. My chest felt so full while I sobbed. It was terrible, I felt like I was drowning in myself. This was the first time in my life I've felt genuine sympathy from my mum. I've been holding onto this for a while now. Is it just an off chance of sympathy and will everything go back to walking on egg shells or will she stop blaming me for every minor thing? Thanks for reading to some girl's ramblings. Just a vent.

John117 Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?
  • replies: 17

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury ... View more

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury and the loss of her job. I didn’t earn much money at the time but it was just enough for us to live comfortably. She started taking pain meds and antidepressants, but soon needed psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and other therapies and meds. Her mood began to drop lower with the good days becoming fewer. The costs started rising and I fell into debt. I worked harder, longer hours which luckily led to promotions, still with the extra money we were only just getting by. Trying to pay for the extra medical bills and debt while paying for everything else was just killing me. I had nothing to show for my hard work but kept pushing on knowing it was all for my wife. Things kept getting worse, we stopped being intimate because of her low self esteem. She became too anxious to leave the house. We missed family events and outings with friends. I couldn't go out by myself very often because of the distress it would cause her. I now have very few friends because of this. I work 9-10 hour days, 11 days a fortnight, do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I was always fine with all of this because I know its not her fault. I know she suffers a hell everyday that I could never imagine. It kills me inside to see her in so much pain and distress. I really thought I was managing ok and felt strong until I had this moment of realisation. I went out for a night in the city with a some friends and met this really nice and very attractive girl. She was all over me most of the night but I refrained from anything other that chatting. She stuffed her number into my pocket when we left but I didn't keep it. Believe it or not, I met the same girl the next weekend and she was still lusting after me and made me feel amazing. This was when the moment of realisation came, I had truly forgotten what it felt like to be wanted, needed or loved, like I had been numb all these years. I didn't do anything with this girl but she made me realise and feel a lot of things. Im certainly not happy and miss the feeling of love and companionship. I don't want to miss out on life and can see it slipping away but i'm afraid of what would happen to my wife if I left her. I feel truly stuck. Can it get better? Any advise would be appreciated.

Lachannie Broken-hearted Mum
  • replies: 17

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts w... View more

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.

Brokengrl To wait or let go
  • replies: 4

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relations... View more

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relationship we did have was doomed. He generally coped well with my anxiety and rolled with it. he was always open and honest with me. I never caught him in a lie. We had a real connection. He said I was the only person who knew him best. Tuesday night. I had some anxiety and said a few things I shouldn’t have. Wednesday he didn’t speak to me, except to say he needed space because he can’t deal with anything complicated right now. I haven’t heard from him since. We went from talking every single day. To absolute silence. my support network are telling me I should be patient and just give him space and wait and see what happens. I think I should accept it is over and I will not hear from him again. I feel like I should grieve and move on. what are peoples thoughts?

eden_whatever My parents are toxic and I want to move out
  • replies: 7

Hi, My parents are extremely toxic especially ever since I have gotten a boyfriend. I am 18 and going through my hsc, my dad gets very angry a lot and you can never reason with him when he’s mad. My mother is manipulative, makes comments on my weight... View more

Hi, My parents are extremely toxic especially ever since I have gotten a boyfriend. I am 18 and going through my hsc, my dad gets very angry a lot and you can never reason with him when he’s mad. My mother is manipulative, makes comments on my weight and has called me a selfish cow multiple times over the past week (even on my birthday). My dad particularly hates my boyfriend for no good reason other than he thinks I’m too young to date. He calls my boyfriend stupid and has now said if he ever sets foot in our house that he will hurt him. My parents still treat me like a child and think I’m acting selfish for wanting some freedom and maturity. My dad used to hit me and during the beginning of this year my parents wanted to divorce and I was told it was my fault. They do much more crazy stuff and lately I feel like I’m getting in trouble for every little thing and I’m always walking on eggshells around them. My boyfriends parents have told me I am more than welcome to stay at theirs and honestly I’m just wondering if I should? Like I really don’t feel comfortable in the house anymore and I don’t know how much more I can take

Tas_zi Feeling a burden to two, Misunderstood my many and forgotten by lots.
  • replies: 9

Suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. My network has got so narrow, so small. The two I hold close I feel like I burden. I can see they have enough going on themselves. Family, there is many issues there and also many misunderstand me, just te... View more

Suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. My network has got so narrow, so small. The two I hold close I feel like I burden. I can see they have enough going on themselves. Family, there is many issues there and also many misunderstand me, just telling me to get over things and move on etc. The rest of my friends, Idk where they are. No one wants to be a friend to someone that hardly leaves the house that needs someone along side when they do, or just stays inside when that someone is at work. Some real issues happening, trying to stand up for myself so I am not the constant burden and still failing. Just feeling really low atm.

Despond Late night loneliness
  • replies: 9

I recently realised that I have abandonment issues, building the base for my constant need to be perfect, desire for attention and constant feelings of worthlessness in positive situations (especially relationships). I thought my father was the one t... View more

I recently realised that I have abandonment issues, building the base for my constant need to be perfect, desire for attention and constant feelings of worthlessness in positive situations (especially relationships). I thought my father was the one to destroy my mind, but it turns out my mother leaving me with him as a kid - before I could even remember her - stayed with me much more so than him. I worked though a fear of men, a fear of intimacy, of failure, of being disliked... I recently started to get over my constant thoughts that the person I love was going to leave me once he realised how much of a bad person I was. In response, he cheated on me. And I thought I could get over it, but I was already putting walls up and my mind was struggling when he told me he loved her and kept spending more time with her. He avoided me, because I kept up all my walls and lashed out at whatever attempts he made to get close. Pushing him away like I've always done to people who have or could hurt me. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't think at all, could barely breathe. I did the first thing I fixated on and broke up with him, and now here I am. I can think most of the time now, but instead I swapped it for emptiness and loneliness. My kids (toddlers) don't count toward it much, although I've taken to bringing them into my bed when I go to sleep so I feel less alone. I stopped talking to my family years ago, and I've never been able to maintain friendships outside of classrooms. Instead of doing the chores for the house inspection, or my assignments due for uni soon, I've spent an hour on here instead, retyping this. It's hard to see professional help as useful, when they can't help you get up in the morning, or help you when you're laying awake in the middle of the night, both desperate to sleep and wanting to stay away from your empty bed. Now I get to stare and try to will myself to do my work, or lay down and relive my constant bad choices. Anyone have a way of lifting the exhaustion? I used to try starting with something small and working up the "successes", but it stopped working.

haz1234 Starting a relationship with someone who has mental health conditions.
  • replies: 9

Hello to anyone that reads this, I am currently at a fork in the road. There is a female I like in a romantic way, we have caught up a few times now and are planning to catch up a third time. Both times have been really cute and we were both really l... View more

Hello to anyone that reads this, I am currently at a fork in the road. There is a female I like in a romantic way, we have caught up a few times now and are planning to catch up a third time. Both times have been really cute and we were both really loving and affectionate towards each other. The only thing holding me back at this point in time is that I don't want anyone in the situation to be more emotionally damaged than is required. The female has BPD, PTSD and I believe some eating related conditions (although I think they aren't as current anymore). She has told me about her traumatic experience which I value that she had trust in me to do so. She has harmed herself and has been in the past suicidal (as a result of these conditions). I really like her and being in person with her is something else, she is really cute. She seems to have a supportive family also. What is holding me back is 2 things. The first being that both from her telling me and me experiencing it over messaging (not in person yet) she has low periods due to the BPD which in itself isn't too large of a problem, its more the long term view of both my own stress and mental health given that I still have a year and half of school to go (she has dropped out due to her conditions) and the detrimental affects on the relationship which would be harmful to both of us. The second thing holding me back is that I am afraid of hurting her more than need be if something were to go south in the relationship. From her telling me apparently people with BPD have an FP (Favourite Person) and I am afraid that if I become that and then something causes the relationship to end that is might really affect her/cause her to harm herself. So I guess what I am asking is, is it a good idea to try and go ahead with this relationship given that there might be detrimental affects on the relationship and in turn affects to both of our mental health. Other than these potential downsides, I really like her. As with BPD while the lows are low the highs are also high, so when we are together in person and she is happy it is next level nice, she is really affectionate and cute and I love it. I am just fearful for what might happen to the both of us if we got too deep in. Thank you for reading this and trying to help out

JamesS Break up in Lockdown
  • replies: 13

Hi all, I'm struggling at the moment to process a break up, which has only been amplified by the ongoing lockdown. We were only together for about half a year, but I had developed a deep love and empathy for this person. We ended things, because she ... View more

Hi all, I'm struggling at the moment to process a break up, which has only been amplified by the ongoing lockdown. We were only together for about half a year, but I had developed a deep love and empathy for this person. We ended things, because she needed along time to process her own personal emotions from a previous relationship. I tried to make things work with her, but after a month of trying I had to draw a line a walk away. Now it has been one week since we last spoke. I am someone who thrives being in a relationship, I don't like being alone for the most part. It's daunting in the current environment, as its impossible both to meet new people and to spend quality time with friends and family. I haven't been able to see any family members for almost 4 months. I try to keep bust by focusing on my work, which I am very grateful to have, and have tried to keep in touch with old friends. But I feel lonely, and heartbroken at times. I have hope that things will get better. I know that eventually things will return to normal and I will be able to meet someone who I can form a relationship with. But I struggle with not knowing how long it will be before I can find fulfilment agains. These lockdowns are hard and they really push your resilience. I wish I could get in my car and drive and see my dad and brother. That would make all the difference. Happy to get your thoughts and feedback, stay safe everyone.

Scarlett06 Toxic behaviours
  • replies: 1

Hi again, This morning, me and my partner have been playing some card games, and he won so i was having a banter with him. He didn’t understand that I was bantering and said “are you going to be toxic?” trying to get me to stop while I was ahead. I w... View more

Hi again, This morning, me and my partner have been playing some card games, and he won so i was having a banter with him. He didn’t understand that I was bantering and said “are you going to be toxic?” trying to get me to stop while I was ahead. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was just saying things like “you little rat” and so forth; things my family would say to me if I were to win in a card game. I got upset with myself because I’m not very good at dealing with hurting people. I have an overwhelming fear of being toxic or hurting the people I love. I started to cry and freak out, I screamed and threw the cards everywhere. This, a toxic reaction. I feel that sometimes I definitely do have things I could work on, like my attention seeking and some things I say before thinking. How can I help myself become better? I’m in a really rough patch right now and my partner has definitely seen the worst of me. He’s had to physically stop me from hurting myself, pick me up in the shower during dissociation, etc. I don’t want to hurt him, it hurts me more than I can explain. please help me.