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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Flowerchild07 What to do if you have people who need your help, but your life is at a standstill because of it.
  • replies: 8

I have a niece who is dependent on me to take care of her and her 3 children. She has mental health issues and the children aren't being taken care of the way they should be. There's no one else to take care of things and my life, career and mental h... View more

I have a niece who is dependent on me to take care of her and her 3 children. She has mental health issues and the children aren't being taken care of the way they should be. There's no one else to take care of things and my life, career and mental health are in a shambles. People tell me just to move away and she will have to do things for herself, but I don't want to see her children grow up being somewhat neglected and not getting the very best upbringing possible. The eldest children suffer from severe social anxiety and the youngest is on the spectrum, and my niece can't get out of bed some days. The kids don't go to school very often and I am having physical and emotional difficulties trying to do everything. I have dreams and goals, but they have been on the back burner for years. I'm in my 60's and don't know how to get off this roller coaster.

natures-right Feelings of guilt
  • replies: 2

Hi. Thanks in advance for reading. I wanted to vent/ask advice about this particular issue that was raised in counselling with my partner. About 4 years ago he was diagnosed with acute leukaemia. He was very fortunate in that, although severe, it was... View more

Hi. Thanks in advance for reading. I wanted to vent/ask advice about this particular issue that was raised in counselling with my partner. About 4 years ago he was diagnosed with acute leukaemia. He was very fortunate in that, although severe, it was a treatable kind and he is now in complete remission, after spending about a month in hospital and then over the course of 8 months being treated as an outpatient. In counselling he brought up the fact that he thinks our relationship started to decline then because I apparently said 'I can't do this anymore' to him when I first started visiting him in hospital. I have to admit that I don't remember saying this at all. But it's entirely possible, given how stressful the situation was. If it's the case, I am certainly not proud of it. There are many things I wish I had done better whilst I was a caregiver, and obviously I wish that I had not hurt him in this way. I think all this has come up again because when we were fighting, I said I was worried about having to be a full-time carer for him as he got older (he is significantly older than me). Again, I realise now that this was a hurtful thing to say. I have a lot of trouble balancing being open and communicative with being diplomatic and not saying everything I'm thinking. I'm struggling with the guilt of these things whilst the other part of my mind provides counterpoints - I do not believe that I ever would have left him whilst he was sick; I did look after him through his leukaemia; he has always made an issue about me from seeking therapy for my mental health, so that especially during such trying times I felt I didn't have people to talk to since I can find it hard to confide in my friends; as an older person, is it not reasonable that he should also be thinking about his life as he gets older and how that could affect me? He calls me selfish and narcissistic and I am entirely willing to believe that I have these tendencies. I am trying very hard to fix them. I just don't know where the boundary is for me to have an appropriate level of concern about my life, versus actually being selfish and not thinking enough about his feelings. I have been selfish in the past with him and my family, and I feel like I don't relate to that person anymore. But when he says things like this, I can't help but question if I am indeed a bad, a narcissist or a sociopathic person.

DanGhost I overthink about my relationships
  • replies: 3

Hi! this past year has been quite hard for me as I got out of a pretty toxic relationship that ended badly.I've recently got into a new relationship and my trauma from the previous relationship is making me overthink the little things that's going on... View more

Hi! this past year has been quite hard for me as I got out of a pretty toxic relationship that ended badly.I've recently got into a new relationship and my trauma from the previous relationship is making me overthink the little things that's going on and making me stress out of it all to the point I start to have panic attacks thinking I've done something wrong or said something wrong.I do have undiagnosed autism bipolar and a few other things that aren't helping this at all and if anything is increasing the stress and overthinking. I want this relationship to work more than anything she makes me so happy beyond anything I have been in a long time and She is such an amazing person and I'm wanting to help my brain think and to not let it effect my relationship both of our lives are a bit chaotic right now but should be calming down in a few days I hope. with this I'm just wanting to know some ways of dealing with my overthinking and stress. any help is very very much appreciated

Talltrees89 Extreme guilt and paranoia
  • replies: 4

I went out for drinks without my partner and I stayed out extremely late with a bunch of male/female friends that I hadn't seen in years. I didn't cheat or do anything bad but I just feel so guilty now. I dropped off a few male friends to their house... View more

I went out for drinks without my partner and I stayed out extremely late with a bunch of male/female friends that I hadn't seen in years. I didn't cheat or do anything bad but I just feel so guilty now. I dropped off a few male friends to their houses afterwards and even that makes me feel guilty and I regret doing it as it some how feels in appropriate and disrespectful. I can't stop crying and have a sick feeling in my stomach. This man is my world and I'd hate to jeopardise it. Why am I taking this so hard? I have anxiety diagnosis already and now feel highly paranoid and guilty.

Teddy Bear Feeling like the meat in the sandwich
  • replies: 1

Hi there,The relationship between my husband and his adult daughter has broken down. She refuses to come around to visit him anymore and more or less has cut off contact with him. He suffers with depression and anxiety, which has contributed to some ... View more

Hi there,The relationship between my husband and his adult daughter has broken down. She refuses to come around to visit him anymore and more or less has cut off contact with him. He suffers with depression and anxiety, which has contributed to some of his behaviour which has pushed his daughter away over the last few years. They used to be extremely close when she was growing up, so this is very painful for him.What also doesn't help is that he cannot tolerate her husband. He has tried to get to know him but the more he got to know him, he realised that he did not like him. This has also contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. She still keeps in contact with me, she is my stepdaughter, and just recently she has invited me to a baby shower as she is having a baby. I would like to go , but I feel really bad for my husband as I know it will trigger him into a downward spiral again, and he has been really trying hard to stay upbeat. I don't want to go behind his back because I think honesty is always the best policy, I just feel like the meat in the sandwich, as I understand his feelings but I also understand the daughter's feelings, and I think by staying away she feels that it is the only way for her to cope with the situation at the moment. He is going really good at the moment and I am scared that if he goes down again he will start self harming again as he has done that in the past and also stops eating and drinking. We ended up at hospital last time.Just wondering if anyone has advice.

Stephii Help
  • replies: 7

Hi. I'm just laying here a bit upset I don't know what to do anymore.my bf and is communication he depleted, he tells me he hates affection and we do not kiss hug or touch and he never calls me babe or baby anymore. He says go eat some more food you ... View more

Hi. I'm just laying here a bit upset I don't know what to do anymore.my bf and is communication he depleted, he tells me he hates affection and we do not kiss hug or touch and he never calls me babe or baby anymore. He says go eat some more food you fat f"** if you stood next to an elephant I wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. I don't think I'm fat I like myself in the mirror but he's led me to believe I'm a giant mammoth and I hardly eat anymore if I eat one thing he says go on shove your face but the thing is I don't and I hardly eat he acts as if I eat so much when I lost five kilos in a week I am afraid to eat he calls me a fatty and to go lose some weight it's like he wants me to be skin and bone to make him happy he said it you weigh more then me which I don't it must make you fat. I said everyone's body is different I'm Maori I'm not skin and bone but I ain't fat. I like my body always have and no-one else has ever called me that. And if I tell him about his ignoring tactics silent treatment neglect he gets mad and starts calling me nasty names I don't know what to do anymore I just call him those names back cos I am hurting. It's taken a huge toll on my self esteem and now all my insecurities are bought out. Not to mention the fact I get called ugly r****d if was gone noone would notice cos my family doesn't care about me . My dad killed himself and he knows I don't have anyone. On top of that gamble issues and everything else I'm so depressed and then I don't clean the house because he nags me right after he's called me names. And then he's nicer to everyone else but treats me like garbage. I don't know what to do anymore I do want to live I love life but he just stresses me out I feel like he doesn't love me I'm not sure any tips ?

Srouls11 Loosing everything
  • replies: 5

With the swipe of a pen the local Sargent has issued a family violence safety notice and I immediately have been separated from my wife of 20 years and our 4 beautiful children. I cannot talk or see her or the children or go home. She has shut my bus... View more

With the swipe of a pen the local Sargent has issued a family violence safety notice and I immediately have been separated from my wife of 20 years and our 4 beautiful children. I cannot talk or see her or the children or go home. She has shut my business down that we worked together (her admin me tradie) sold my car, sold all my tools (tradesman) about $8000 worth. Having a garage sale on weekends where all my stuff will be sold probably. She needs the money is what I hear from her family. I am labelled an abuser and rejected by her family and society. I know FV is unaccetable and I'm not going to ever expressing my innnosence but I must be at the lower end of the scale. Her perception of my behaviour has caused her to be fearfully and BAM I'm violent. Relationship has been under pressure with me sustaining a work place injury, taking time off, money problems etc. I understand why men take their lives.

That Other Guy Saving my marriage
  • replies: 3

18 months ago my wife announced she couldn't stay with me any more. 12 months ago we stayed together on the basis we had an open relationship. Over 6 months I formed a relationship with someone else that was not really consumated (one failed attempt)... View more

18 months ago my wife announced she couldn't stay with me any more. 12 months ago we stayed together on the basis we had an open relationship. Over 6 months I formed a relationship with someone else that was not really consumated (one failed attempt). When that started getting serious my wife pulled the plug but insisted she had a free pass to still see someone because I kind of had. She had a pretty full on encounter with another guy, and then assumed they could stay friends. I stopped talking to my friend and she stopped talking to hers We have not lived together for 6 years, first because of study, then work. She said we'd start to see each other week on week off, but this month I will see her twice, both times for three days. One has happened, she made clear I was her last priority and I had one morning with her. At the start of last year I felt sure no woman would ever talk to me, but in the open scenario I met many women who were interested in me, so I don't feel insecure any more. But I feel terrified to lose my long term marriage all the same. There are days I feel I can take this and days I can't. I don't know what to do. My wife won't leave, she gets everything she wants, she is in control and keeps me at arms lentgh most of the time. I want us to stay together but I am not sure if what we have, is what I wanted.....

dragonstar Supporting my partner
  • replies: 4

My partner is experiencing depression and anxiety and I am wanting to support him in anyway I can. He is of the belief that he just has to 'ride it out' and has cut off communication with me. I am in NSW and he is in Tasmania at the moment. I have ex... View more

My partner is experiencing depression and anxiety and I am wanting to support him in anyway I can. He is of the belief that he just has to 'ride it out' and has cut off communication with me. I am in NSW and he is in Tasmania at the moment. I have experienced depression and anxiety myself and have tried to apply the same support that my family gave me to help me through the tough times, unfortunately my partner won't talk to me about how he is feeling and what he is going through. He tells me he is a liability at the moment and that scares me as he is the most beautiful kind person I know. I am looking for ways that I can support him if anyone can help?

white knight Parents estranged from their adult children
  • replies: 3

I dedicated myself to be the best part time dad I could be, child support never waned, visits never avoided and maintained a basic level of required communication with their mother regardless of the abrasiveness she gave At 12yo my eldest came to liv... View more

I dedicated myself to be the best part time dad I could be, child support never waned, visits never avoided and maintained a basic level of required communication with their mother regardless of the abrasiveness she gave At 12yo my eldest came to live with me. I was suspicious my ex was influencing my youngest and at 14yo "D" rang me "I dont want to see you anymore". 7 words I'll never forget. There was no argument, nothing to indicate a problem and no answer given as to a reason. So the months ticked over, gifts sent etc. At 16yo she had a back operation but refused me to visit the hospital. Her mother secretive. My ex had narcissistic tendencies, silence as a weapon was her cherished one, my daughter the same. So in summary the years leading up to 3 years ago was a matter of getting a message every year or two on Facebook "Hi dad". Then what would follow is up to 2 weeks of words, expression of a new start, plans of meeting up, discussion on our lives... then? gone. She'd block me. She refused to use any other form of communication like phone, letter etc because (as I found out from her friend) - then I'd know where she lived and besides, by blocking me on FB she had control. So 3 years ago when she was 28yo "Hi dad". I was to give it one last try. I told her we all have choices even her father. Her friend told me she believed I'd always let her back into my life as I was "soft". After 10 days- gone! blocked I took 3 months to make a decision. Was I to remain vulnerable, hurt regularly or could move on? I realised that I HAD to move on for my sanity and therefore the health and well being of my family. My eldest daughter has nothing to do with her nor her birth mother- why? because she experienced the same narcissistic treatment One day I looked up my youngest FB page- she had unblocked me. I reached for the computer mouse and pressed "block". The hardest action I'd made ever, I knew I'd need to stick with my decision or indeed I'd be that "soft" dad If she comes knocking I'd talk. I'd ask her why she threw me away, what she wanted to gain by visiting and what actions she has made to improve herself in terms of treating others with respect, I would not ask about her life, kids, partner Self preservation, like charity, begins at home. Thoughts? TonyWK