Relationship and family issues

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Understanding feelings of rejection.

replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section

replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

by Chris_B •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Relationship and family issues

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21-11-2016

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Careless night with consideration to abort

replies: 5

We decided a near five years ago to get ahead and pursue studies / apprenticeship to get ahead. We had well jobs but wanted more and knew we needed more in terms of getting ahead. In the midst, we found ourselves pregnant. A surprise and unplanned pregnancy but we welcomed it whole heartedly and it still brings tears to my eyes because I feel so blessed to have my now healthy, near 3 year old son. Was it a struggle, absolutely! No one plans to become a mature age student and then start a family. It’s been a tough three years, with covid, one income, cost of living, increasingly inflations, petrol prices etc we’ve only managed to just get on by, with little left over and been unable to save but we’ve done well to never miss a bill and always been able to pay out mortgage. Next year was our year to get ahead! At last! Finally get a new car, I drive the same car I purchased when I was 22 and it’s a Golf, a good car but far from a family car. I am a student nurse and during these years of studies I’ve also been working casually but out of work when I’m on clinical placement, which is a huge stressor, full time hospital hours which means no pay (we don’t get paid) and in a negative because it essentially costs me to be there, loss of income due to ceasing casual work, petrol, parking, food and casual day care costs. We we’re at the end of the marathon and what happens, I’m pregnant!!! This was not in our plans at all and it feels different, I don’t welcome this surprise as I did with my first and that alone brings a lot of sadness and regret to my heart. For most young families, times are incredibly tough and strained, is it a smart or a heartless decision to propose the idea of an abortion due to finance and career ? We can’t even afford to buy a family car until I’m working again, as we evidently need two incomes, our couch is haggard, fitted sheets are torn and we are strained. My partner supports my decision regardless but I know he is feeling the strain of carrying us for a near three years and I don’t blame him, it’s been very tough. I’m at a loss and feel sadness, is it okay to think these things that money and somewhat career is a factor. I just want the best for my family and mentally, I don’t think I will cope, I never planned to be a SAHM too and I feel inferior

Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

replies: 18

I am completely at a loss. My husband who has been my best friend and soul mate for 15 years ended our marriage. He is staying with his mum, barely has any stuff and has left everything at home. He started with the I love you but not in love with you line. In my mind that means the spark is gone as we are wrapped up in everyday life, kids etc. Life is hard we both work full time, have a demanding 3 and 6 year old. After he said this, we had an amazing week together and bonded well. Then all came to blows one night where he kept threatening suicide and left in a rage. Next day he ended it. He stopped his medication suddenly a couple months prior. He will not try and work on our marriage. Everytime I ask to not make decisions when he is severely depressed he yells and screams and tells me to stop. This has been going on 4 weeks and everyime I try to talk about everything he won't answer, says it's over and there's no trying. It's like he suddenly projected all his hurt in life onto our marriage. We were happy, lockdown took a toll on him and he was diagnosed as severely depressed. He has a lot of childhood trauma. We were always open and spoke about everything. He has changed into someone I don't know. It's like the man I married literally died in front of me. I've taken on the load of everything while he's tapped out and he couldn't care less. I snapped tonight and told him I'm completely done as he won't have a rational conversation about everything so I can move on with my life. This is emotional torture for me, so I'm cutting all contact now. One minute he didn't blame the marriage and said he's numb to everyone and everything and the next it's over its over I've told you a million times. If it was a toxic marriage, if there were major issues I would accept and move forward and wouldn't of been fighting. He has mentioned he's worse since he left our home. He's on week 4 of his medication again and his dose has been upped as he is worse. He makes me feel like I'm crazy and he keeps saying I'm pushing. He has no idea the effect of all of this on his family. I snapped tonight as I have the full time pressure of 2 demanding kids and a high pressure job.

Where can I get help for the accused Family (content warning: potentially distressing themes)

replies: 13

I am desperately seeking a support group for the families of accused sex offenders. My brothers step daughter has made some horrific allegations against him and because i have chosen to support him everyone is turning there back on me. I have done nothing wrong!!! but the judgement is just as bad for me as it is for him. I am so desperate for someone to talk to but there only seems to be support for the accusers and there family not the accused at all. I know i have years of hell in front of me and i know i will not survive this if i don't find some support, somewhere.

Mum's Obsessed With Money

replies: 1

For a long time, my Mum has always loved money, spending money and tries to get every cent she can from others. When I was younger, Mum rarely cooked anything for dinner that I'd eat and when i brought it up, she said "Maybe when you start giving me some money, I'll think of cooking more things that you'll eat." When she was spending too much and the government wouldn't give her more, she said "That's OK, we'll just put the kids' board up." Some years ago, Dad was given my granddad's car by my Nan which Dad didn't want but took it to keep her happy. The registration and insurance was put in his name and over the years he paid them, the servicing and parts plus the petrol. The car died months ago, it would've cost too much to fix and today Dad rang up someone to take it away. Mum instantly held her hand out for the money saying "It was my Dad's car, so it's natural I get the money." When Dad and I went on a walk today afterwards, he said "Maybe I should close my bank account and give your mother all the money that was in it." It's disgusting. She's greedy. Doesn't help when my oldest sister gives her $300-400 cash for her birthday.

Decision making around termination / abortion in a stable relationship

replies: 8

Hi everyone, I am ten weeks pregnant with a completely unplanned fourth baby and we are struggling immensely to make a decision whether to proceed or terminate. We thought our family was complete, especially from my husband’s perspective (# 3 was already my desperately wanted “extra” baby). Our marriage is solid, but we have little to no support in Australia and we both feel stretched thinly as it is (financially, emotionally, physically and in terms of time and energy). Our youngest is 2, and we were just beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel and as though we might have actually survived the choppy seas of early parenting. This news has thrown us completely off course and we’re still at a loss as to what decision is best for our family after knowing for 5 weeks. We fear another baby could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It would obliterate any chance of getting my career back on track after so much time off / part time, I don’t cope that well with the stress, chaos and frantic pace of our life as it is, and although he is a doting father now he found it increasingly hard with each baby to be present and engaged in the newborn period. We each have gone through periods of depression and anxiety to varying degrees over the past seven years. BUT we love our kids to the ends of the earth and know we would love another. The stress of the decision is crushing me. I go back and forth on an almost hourly cycle, it’s impacting my work and ability to function as a Mum. Hubby says he will support whichever decision I make, but we’re both concerned that both choices have the potential to make or break our little family. Having the baby would set us back in our life plans, and feels like we’d be starting this crazy overwhelming phase of life again, but I’m not sure if I would cope long term with the guilt and doubt of terminating. How do we make this impossible choice? We are running out of time and I can’t continue functioning this way. I guess I’m hoping for some personal experiences of how people worked through an impossible emotional decision and came out the other side with some clarity and confidence in their choice, if that’s even possible?!

Setting Boundaires with Teen-Result may mean they have to move out of home.

replies: 5

Hi, I have been on a 4 year journey with my now 17 year old. We have been through alot including, leaving school, supporting him and his pregnant girlfriend and then young baby (not my son's baby), drug use, mental health issues, him moving out of home to another town. Without getting into it all but that is a quick overview. Currently, my son is staying with me and my 2 other children aged 7 and 9. My 17 year old is currently not working, studying and doesn't do much with his time. I am struggling with this as I have boundaries around drugs and behaviour which I have spoken to him about. He has started vaping and yesterday sat in my car vaping while I was at an activity with my other children. I was quite upset as he know how I feel about this, he didn't seem to care about my boundaries and we were all about to get in the car. I appreciaite that this may not seem like a big deal but I have alarm bells going off everywhere due to previous experiences! I feel like I want to say to hime-Work or study or you can't live with me. This may mean he goes and couch surfs..I am a single mum and have previously felt unsafe around my 17 year when he gets upset and don't want to be in this situation again.. How do you put boundaries in place if that means you feel liek you are puching your child away? Hope that makes sense and thank you for your reply.

Relationship with my mum is bad

replies: 3

My mum and I have a very up and down relationship, sometimes she’s amazing and we get along and then other times we’re screaming at eachother and I feel like I hate her. She works from home and it’s so frustrating trying to tiptoe around her, she works on the dining table and for literally 3 years I’ve been telling her to put a desk in her room because she screams and tells people to shut up whenever they try use the kitchen or lounge room. It’s so annoying. She always makes excuses though like her rooms too messy which it is, absolutely disgusting clothes piled up that if I threw out she probably wouldn’t even realise or miss, she always has food packets everywhere, spilt drinks on the table and never cleaned, she’s literally as bad as a kid if not worse…… my dad only makes his side of the bed and his side of the room is clean. He is also sick of it. My mum has been really annoying me. It’s gotten to the point where everything my mum does, makes and cringe, makes me angry and annoyed. She could sneeze and it would make me angry……. I don’t know why I feel this way. The other day I was making myself dinner and she walked passed and burped and I got angry and was like wtf can you not, and she instantly just said “f off, if you think I’m disgusting move out”. This is her go to. Today I asked her to move her car from behind mine because she parked diagonally on the drive way and I asked her not to park like that and again she told me to “f off move out if you don’t like the way I do things”. I can’t communicate anything to her without her saying “I’m such a bad mum aren’t I” “that’s just the way I am deal with it”. I am confused. I’m not saying she’s a horrible mum, she literally does everything for me, gives me money, picks me up after nights out, respects my privacy ect. So I feel like I’m overreacting when these situations happen. once we were in public and she screamed at me and everyone looked. I was super embarrassed and I spoke to her the day after and I told her I didn’t like the way she spoke to me, I tried so hard to calmly communicate with her and she told me that she didn’t remember and why should she be sorry for something she can’t remember or apparently to her didn’t even happen………. she’s a good mum, but she also brings out the biggest rage and anger inside of me. I am confused about our relationship.

Anxiety and relationship ending

replies: 7

Hi, this is my first time posting. I (24,F) have struggled with anxiety and depression (unknowingly) for most of my adolescents and adulthood. I had been struggling for the last 3 months with anxiety, but not realising how bad it was impacting me. I have lost focus with my work, I attributed a lot of this to work demands and deadlines, but now that those deadlines have past and my work has taken the pressure off me. I have seen that I'm still struggling, I have been having panic attacks etc.. About 1.5 months ago, I got black-out drunk with friends (I think I drank excessively so I wasn't feeling anxious around people). That night, I was verbally abusive to my partner, saying horrible things about him and also saying how he doesn't love me, or could never love me because I'm such a horrible person. I have seen a psychologist, and learnt that I have a core belief that I'm unlovable. But, to add to this core belief - my long-term partner of 5.5yrs has broken up with me. He said after the hurtful things I had said that drunken night, he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that I need to be by myself to get better, and that I need to deal with my anxiety myself. He said he couldn't emotionally support me anymore, he said that my constant questioning of his love has strained him. He felt like no matter what he did to show me he loved me, it wasn't good enough for me to feel loved. He also said he needs space to sort out his own issues (he suffers from anxiety as well).I feel horrible about this because in the past he had shown compassion, empathy and love when I was struggling. I tried to tell him that it wouldn't always be like this, and that once I went through therapy things would improve. He expressed that he didn't want to 'burn bridges', and that he wanted to remain friends and maybe in the future we could see where we're at. I don't understand why he would say that, if you wanted to end things, wouldn't you want to remove that person completely from your life?I constantly spiral thinking that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't of gotten drunk that night and said mean things to him (which I don't remember what I said). I have very few friends or family that understand, everyone else has their own issues, and I'm burdening everyone. I want to get the love and support from my ex-partner, but I know if I do that it isn't respecting the time/space he asked for.How can I love myself again?

Wife withdrawn

replies: 16

Hi guys,I am married to my wife for 18 years.Since the beginning she used the Silent Treatment (ST) in any conflict or when something didn't go her way. We discussed it but without any success. The fact that I always ran after her, trying to pacify her, didn't really help either. 2018 the ST increased. I wrote her a letter. She laughed it off by saying that I would be over-dramatic and that she wouldn't do anything. How could I be possibly affected. I even suggested counseling, but she refused categorically. Bringing up issues in the relationship has always been a difficult one. Often, she- gets passive aggressive (silent treatment, defiance, sulking)- use deflection (OK, but you.... )- projection (accusing me of not loving her, being happy when she is not around, etc.)- minimized the issue and my view (no true, I am sensitive, etc.)Tries to clarify something after silent treatment could lead to another round of it with her saying … if you would love me you would know what you did wrong I started to research, and it went from ST to narcissism. In addition, I learned that I am a people pleaser, emotional dependent, and anxious about conflicts. When she was angry, I switched into a childlike frozen state. As well I learned that the relationship is quite single sided when it comes to affection, attention, effort, etc.I stopped to run after her when she gave me the ST. I became more assertive but as well at times judgmental, resentful, etc. 2019 my wife found that I was in a Facebook group about narcissism and that I talked to other people about our issues. Both, she considered as a major breach of trust. I understand her anger and apologized. Since this time, she is totally withdrawn, stone-walls me, conversations are just functional, etc. I constantly tried to reconnect but without success. She just does not open up. If I ask I get just a simple "All OK". I went for counseling twice and both counselors confirm that she seems to be difficult (see below). I am at my wits end. The difficulties are one thing but the distance she creates kills me. Any advice?

Im feeling like im so alone. Spoke to my ex partner.

replies: 12

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I am feeling so alone at the moment , i spoke to my ex partner last night it was a friendly chat and we are still friends. I just feel so alone with no family to turn too and not wanting to be a burden to friends who i have turned too before. I just wish we could be together again and i could do things differently . I am also not working at the moment so it just gives me so much time. I know that when you look back on relationships its easy to gloss over things . She is a carer for her elderly father who has been sick and i admire who for that. I just feel so alone i wish i could turn the clock back. I also feel scared off being alone forever. I know that ringing her may not be the best but i just miss her. I have a wide group of friends at my football club but i still feel so alone lately. Im not sure about where to turn. Im sad at the moment. Beaser.

Understanding feelings of rejection. replies: 38

PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section replies: 0

Careless night with consideration to abort replies: 5

Husband ending marriage - severely depressed replies: 18

Where can I get help for the accused Family (content warning: potentially distressing themes) replies: 13

Mum's Obsessed With Money replies: 1

Decision making around termination / abortion in a stable relationship replies: 8

Setting Boundaires with Teen-Result may mean they have to move out of home. replies: 5

Relationship with my mum is bad replies: 3

Anxiety and relationship ending replies: 7

Wife withdrawn replies: 16

Im feeling like im so alone. Spoke to my ex partner. replies: 12