Avoidant attachment style - what's helped me and what I've been doing

[Dana123]

Hi guys,

So I am 25 years old and have an avoidant attachment style. A few weeks ago I was crying to my psychologist and saying 'I can't even tell if I'm attracted to the person all I want to do is run' and she said 'of course you can't tell, you're anxious' - I found this reassuring because everytime I get in a relationship, I start off attracted to the person then it's like a switch - I'm put off! This always happens when the other person shows more interest or wants to become more emotionally intimate.

1. A couple of things I have realised:
   As someone with an avoidant attachment style - YOU NEED SOMEONE WITH A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE
2. Be aware of the strategies you use to try and keep someone distant - I've realised that I use a lot of distancing strategies - both emotional and physical. For me, it always starts off with not responding to messages and although it eases my anxiety at the time - I'm not addressing the issue. So what I do is ask myself this 'am I not replying because I really am busy/unwell etc OR is it because I'm anxious and avoiding'. I also tend to OVER analyse things my potential partner does and ultimately will come up with the conclusion that they're bad - with NO concrete evidence.
3. Find a psychologist who you feel comfortable with. I had previously seen a psychologist for many years and realised I needed someone else - I have a new psychologist now and she has been incredible. In just the few short weeks I've seen her - I understand my thought process more so than I ever have and most importantly, she's made me feel like I am not strange, that many people are like me and that there is hope
4. Be aware and track your unhelpful thinking styles (google this)- I've realised that for me, my avoidance in relationships stem from my low self worth and the unhelpful thinking styles I've led myself to believe over the years. I've been keeping a diary and I've been working through challenging these thinking styles (google how to do this) - I have found this so liberating.
5. Read books on attachment styles - I've been reading the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" - it's ok but I feel that they make it seem those with an Anxious attachment style don't need to change or work on themselves whereas those with an Avoidant style are bad. I have learnt a few things though

So for those of you with an avoidant attachment style, what has helped you? Any books? Strategies? Do share 🙂

[jess334]

Hi Dana123,

Thanks for that post. Its great that you've identified your attachment issue and steps to improve!

I agree that finding a psychologist you click with is so important. It can take some time but its worth it in the end.

I am a classic avoider with almost anything that gives me anxiety. I read a book by Ross Harris called 'the happiness trap' and it really helped me feel safe to lean into my anxiety instead of running away from it.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Littlebluescent]

Hi Dana123,

Thank you for the insight. I feel my ex gf had an anxious avoidant attachment style, whereas I'm more anxious attachment. Probably not a great match, but it is helpful to understand why she left the way she did. I think I'm anxious avoidant in some cases, but not usually with someone I am in a relationship with. It's all so interesting the way our attachment styles affect our relationships.