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At wits end
I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time.
Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but now it is all starting again.
For years now I have kept quiet as I am just vilified more as the person with problem. I am not allowed to have an opposing opinion on anything otherwise made to feel stupid and uneducated.
I am constantly ranting to myself at home or driving when alone as the hurt and anger is at boiling point.
I keep making the mistake of helping our children financially and doing things for them. Then just treated as their punching bag.
My partner has verbally abused me in front of not just our children but others as well. I have got to the point of just disappearing but I am in my mind 50s and have not worked for years due to depression and anxiety.
I love my family dearly but do not feel that in return as the constant hurt they inflict makes me feel how they can care for a person but keep attacking them.
I have started fighting back but only to escalate things. Honestly feel like a pressure cooker and scared.
We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here though.
It sounds like it could be really helpful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss the verbal abuse and belittlement. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.
It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.
We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon, some of whom may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here.
In such a dituation, one can feel that the only avenue for peace is severing relationships.
If you were in a workplace environment with people you argue with, you'd keep some distance but still need to work with each other, a half way relationship of sorts.
What I'm suggesting is that your relationships with your adult children can be modified to include changes like-
- Make a list of topics you no longer talk about, politics, religion, sensitive topics.
- Refrain from saying "I won't talk about that" instead "I don't know about that"
- Value the good parts of relationships and ignore the abrasive issues
- Reduce frequency of meeting up. Being elusive has its advantages
- Cease financial assistance and buy yourself gifts to aid your development as the wonderful person you are
With your partner
- Seriously consider marriage counselling even if it means going aline if he wont attend
- Attend your GP to discuss lack of self confidence if you think it will help
- Find interests outside the marriage like sports and hobbies
- Continue to draw a line with intimidation especially if it enters the feeling of being bullied.
- Don't be afraid of standing proud of your views which you can do in a calm quietly spoken manner which is better than being defensive vocally and body language wise
I hope I've helped
Hello PetaG, I can't say much more than what Tony has said, except just to reiterate that financial support should stop because they may pretend to be nice so they can get money from you but then to treat you as a punching bag.
Love can be stretched only so far but when you are abused and/or criticised for making a comment all the time, then now you have to consider moving out to try and reestablish a life you want, you can't and shouldn't be treated this way at all.
Thank you Tony for your lovely advice.
Yes, I am taking on board alot of your suggestions. Time to move forward and help myself to be more independent and have in place an avenue to get out if things do not change.
I have looked into jobs that require no experience as work I have always done in the past has always stressed me and caused breakdowns.
The prospect of independence where I am too fearful to leave because of all involved in doing so, has given me more hope for the future.
Reading a lot on these forums and stories where women in similar or worse situations that have made a new life free of their abusers has given me a much needed boost. I have two options, stay and try to get treated decently or fight to get on with helping myself get out with options.
Anger is helping me get into action as I will try to get things better but at least if I get my own independence I will no longer feel trapped. Feeling sorry for myself is not going to help so at least anger can be positive if used to take constructive action.
Thank you again
Thank you Geoff.
As in my reply to Tony I am working on gaining independence in case things do not improve.
I have done a lot of research into work and options of where to go if things cannot be worked out.
Time to fight back as the years have worn down my spirit but there is still a spark of fight left in me.
Thank you for taking the time to give me your advice, much appreciated.