At my wits end, relationship is falling apart...

[Ianto]

A week and a half ago, my partner came back from a short snow trip with some friends where they had taken my ute and told me that they hit a kangaroo on the way there. Thankfully, the only damage was a broken mudflap. All people and presumably the kangaroo survived the ordeal as they couldn’t find the offending roo.

When he told me, I looked at it and my response was, “ah well, these things happen. Don’t worry about it”. After that, he made the assumption that I was angry and subsequently got angry with me. Also, my understanding was that he would be the one doing the driving. I have a problem trusting just anyone to drive my cars as you never know if they’ll take responsibility for anything they do. He agreed to that.

A few days later I saw a picture on facebook showing that one of his friends were driving and when I confronted him, he first denied it, then admitted it and proceeded to tell me it was my fault that he didn’t feel he could tell me the truth. I’ve asked him why he feels that way, but I haven’t got a clear answer other than he lives in fear of disappointing me, and that it has something to do with his parents. Obviously, that’s pretty unclear to me…
So I’ve written that for context…
He has a lot of issues that he has to deal with. He’s an extremely highly strung, angry man who suffers substance addiction problems, depression and anxiety attacks. A lot of this I didn’t know until after we’d been together for a while. As far as substances are concerned, he had told me, but said it was way behind him. He smokes pot every day now because he can’t get his preffered pain killer over the counter anymore. He had been taking up to 60 of those tablets a day. I kept telling him to stop because it  would damage his stomach but obviously the addiction meant he didn’t listen. He has now dropped more than 30Kg and has constant pain from a suspected stomach ulcer. I’m worried and angry because we’re now living the nightmare I warned him of but I can’t say “I told you so”.

There's more to this that I'll get to gradually. 

[To_Old_For_This]

HI Lanto

Gosh, it sounds like you have some issues with trusting your partner. It is hard to trust when we catch someone out in a lie, it makes us wonder what else they may be covering up. As for his being so quick to jump down your throat, it seems he also has trouble trusting you. I feel perhaps he expected a certain reaction from you? Hence why his angry response.

As for his substance addiction and pain, I wonder has he consulted a GP? I know there are a lot of things that can be done to people in this situation.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lanto,

Welcome to the community here. Is it possible for the two of you to sit down and have an open and frank discussion about what has happened, about how you both feel towards various issues you might have and how you can work to solve them.

If you are concerned about the health condition of your partner, can you encourage him to see a Dr? The amount of pain medication he was taking sounds a little excessive to me.

You mentioned there is more to the story! Is he getting help with his anxiety and depression?

Cheers from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Ianto
I read your other post but decided to respond here as I wanted to read this first post too.

Frankly you sound just about at the end of your tether and I’m not surprised. No, you are not being selfish at all. It is easy to make the mistake of assuming one is an inexhaustible well of strength when trying to look after someone one loves, sadly it is not true and one can end up ill if one pushes too hard.

There have to be boundaries and your needs have to be met - first. Without that there ends up two people that need attention, not just one. Things need to improve right now.

I’ve been in the same situation as your husband with an ongoing anxiety condition, plus bouts of depression and other matters, and have had physical side effects too. In some ways I suppose I can understand your husband not energetically taking control of his illness, but that is what he has to do.

When one is depressed things can seem too hard and hopeless, and anxiety does make for fear, leaving one reluctant to do things in case they go badly. However all this needs to be overcome, which I agree is not easy. In my own case two things spurred me on, the first was life was so horrible I needed to get to a better place and ended up cooperating with treatments, the second factor being care for my spouse, who had a very hard life looking after me and the family, plus working.

For some people there is a sort of “comfortable” place where things are done by others, and if they are not done it is other people’s fault. I have a feeling that your husband may be there. Looking at myself I can say that medical support and therapies have been tools for me to use myself.

I would think in order to properly look after yourself and him things have to change. I’ve no idea if counselling would do the trick, or if something more drastic might be needed.

Can I ask what support you have, both medical and personal? My wife had her mum who helped her a great deal

Croix