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Anger then regret- the pendulum
I’m on mood stabilisers but that pendulum persists albeit less so under my medication. Medication can only do so much and is only one ingredient in the mix of solution to mental illness. Raise the medication and the side effects become too much and the effect sort after doesn’t come eg the pendulum persists. Lower the medication and there is less desired effect. I’ve tried both of these. All other things have changed also- settled into a country environment, sorted out my toxic family members, secured ourselves financially, established hobbies and passions, grow our own vegies, got a dog, we attend the gym every second day…etc. There is not one stone unturned.
The symptoms of my mood which others on the receiving end would likely see as anger (I see it as being “snappy”) come about like a short fuse. This short fuse is more likely to happen when one of two things happen- 1/ I’m in the midst of physically exerting myself and I’m interrupted or 2/ I’m on a mission doing a task and am interrupted. The interesting thing about the above is- that both my siblings (one dec, the other my sister 5 years younger) had/have the same response. I never knew how to approach my late brother and my younger sister has never known how to approach me. My wife of 4 years told me the same a few days ago. “I’m between a rock and a hard place” she said. Do I not ask you what you'd like for lunch only to be criticised for not asking or ask and get snapped at? . I agreed with her and my answer is that this moody attitude/mentality is my natural response without premeditation. So we have to live with it.
So I don’t believe there are answers to everything. But to not be happy when digging the garden when one is merely asked what I’d like to eat for lunch or not being happy when I’m under the car fixing its faulty ball joint when asked “when is it going to be finished cause I want to go shopping” when I witness others being happy all the time (seemingly) and answering calmly. All it takes is for me to say “pies would be nice darl” or “30 minutes and it will be done”.
Of course on each and every occasion this anger comes there is guilt and regret because a loved on suffers the wrath of the mood. They pay the price then I do. Of course there will be several days of calmness and happiness...the reason I think I'm as close as I can get with the medication. No, its more to do with character I feel.
Are any of you hard to deal with in terms of reacting adversely?