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Anger,self loathing, confusion and horrible thoughts.
i have been married since 2008 and tbh been with the same girl for nearly 20yrs.
due to some stupid choices i have hurt my wife and she has suffered cause of the mistakes i made for so long ago.. i have gotten to the point now that when ever i look into her eyes i see sadness, hurt, and disgust. now im walking on egg shells and dont feel real anymore as i dont what anything i say or do to add to the hurt i have caused.... She is the most amazing mother tough but she puts everything into our girls and im the soul income earner atm.. so we dont spend alot of time alone just her and i. possibly by choice i guess... i hate everything i have done in the past and loath myself for hurting my family through stuipd choices i cant take back..
i have always struggle with disapointing people and her i have anxiety about sex with my wife, does it feel good, do i please her, do i kiss properly dont go long enough ect.. and i apolagise almost immediatley after. according to my wife i place alot of preassure on myself to not disapoint especially her, which when i do even somthing so simple it crushes me... i see disapointment, anger, and disgust once again...
i have always had this part of me that scares me, where my anger and frustration takes over and i struggle to function properly... so i self-harm to release the anger and hate i feel about myself... it works but it seems to be.the more pressure the more i need to do it.
i find i lie to her so much to try and prevent any chance of disapointment, i decide to say nothing or half truths to get her to leave me alone, or i work silly.amounts of hrs to avoid being present... latley i feel i have nothing left in me to give anyone and have has serious thoughts of just letting go and fading away.... i dont feel as though i give my daughters the time they deserve or when i do i struggle to focus on them as im trying not to say the wrong thing, upset my wife, and they get a snippet of their dad which hurts me more...
we have sperated atm.. but she has strongly expressed she does want me back home with our family and wants to work through this but wants me to get help,
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. It sounds overwhelming and it's understandable that you're struggling. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.
What is clear to me from your post is that you love your wife very much and she loves you. Yes you have made mistakes in the past and caused hurt, but you are owning that and taking responsibility, so that is very heartening to hear. The only thing that will fix things is time, time with you not repeating old patterns and slowly rebuilding faith that you will refrain from doing those things in future. To help you with that, I agree with your wife that it would be good to see a psychologist and unpack what unhelpful patterns lead to you to do these things so you can be more aware in the moment in future and try and stop them at the time. I think you are already aware that self-harm is not the answer, it may provide a temporary release but you end up just needing more and disfiguring yourself. And it’s definitely not a healthy coping strategy. Like you, I struggle with the weight of worry of falling short of people’s expectations, but people’s expectations are there own, all I can do is try and be the best person I can be - sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but that’s all I can do. You can’t live for other people at the end of the day.
I am very sorry to hear of your situation and things must be really tough for you at the moment. You are defiantly not alone in your experiences and it doesn't mean you are a bad person. For you to come for support is a big achievement so you owe that to yourself. Lift up your chin, place your hand on your heart and stop, pause and appreciate all the good things you have done with/for her and all your achievements. You need understand that you are stronger and more determined then you realise. You are a great person, we are human and we are meant to learn from our past to make us the best version of yourself. Also, try listening to some YouTube happiness motivation speakers.
I want you to know there's nothing wrong with the feelings of failure and that's simply all they are - feelings. You sound like you're doing better than before but know that we need to make many mistakes to be able to become a better person. Before you go see her next, try to have a a few minutes where you can pause, reflect on the current situation, think about what you will do to achieve a better connection with her and appreciate all the good/ positive things about your life. Get rid of those negative thoughts, they will not benefit you in any way.
You've got this buddy, tell yourself everyday that you are an amazing person with great qualities and lots love to give.
Let us know how you are tracking, we are all here to support each other.
Keeping your family whole is the top priority, and if that means you need to get help to sort things out, you should. It is really hard to make people understand what you feel, however, there's no other way to solve any relationship but with proper communication.