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Anger and frustration

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

If one or both partner have any mental or lets say emotional issues I believe in my experience, anger and frustration climbs to breaking point then the downward spiral begins.

Add to this typical pressures of modern living. Total commitment might be well intended but is it enough for the long term? What is required to endure the yelling, the silence and disappointment.

Prevention far outweighs cure. Putting strategies in place, planning by rules for when these events arrive is far more wise than hoping events dont come around.

Defusing an arguement within the first 30 seconds my wife found was her best idea. As soon as I'd begin to raise my voice she knew she had to work quickly to snuff out the spark before the fire began. She also recognized a combination of shaking my head left to right and being silent was a good indicator of the pending vulcano.

We cant dismiss the direct approach.."I'm getting frustrated with this conversation" can lead to (from the other party) " I'm sorry, I didnt mean for you to get upset, we're only talking". And in those situations skin contact can make a world of difference, sadly I've seen couples argue at a distance without much chance of such contact when the moment could be seized.

My wife and I sit close enough on our lounge chairs with a small coffee table between us. Close enough to reach over and hold hands. This can occur if abrasive words are said. We agreed if a hand is held, the matter is resolved...no more ramblings. It also happens when I see her upset commonly when animals are hurt on TV. Of all the basic things one can have in a relationship to keep the bond alive that set up is on par with hugs and favours, flowers and any consideration.

Some refuse counseling. A trained counselor can ask a simple question to make you realise you are being unreasonable. Eg past partner of mine was frustrated I had a hobby (model planes) that I enjoyed a few hours every second evening. But she didnt have any interest of her own. The counselor asked her "and whats your passion" to which she had no reply but it made her realise it wasnt my passion that was the issue, it was that she didnt have one of her own.

But as for arguement resolution 7 years ago my wife and I came up with a plan of our own when anger was well under way. It has worked for us on every occasion a full blown arguement has come about. It is detailed in the following thread. Simply google it.

Topic: relatiionshop strife?- the peace pipe- beyondblue

Tony WK

13 Replies 13

Community Champion
Community Champion


Another interesting thread.

I know I can unwittingly say something that is totally misunderstood. I used to become very stressed when I was shouted at , called names, yet I was totally clueless as to wat I had done.

What I try and do now is before arguing escalates We take turns saying what we heard the other say,plainly and calmly so any misunderstandings can be cleared up at the start.

I will look up your topic.

Thanks again


Hi Quirky

Great idea. We ofyen get misinterpreted. My wife is dyslexic so if she says something is in the left hand draw its likely the right hand draw lol. It can be frustrating.

As frustrating as all this can be we are only capable of certain level of capability.


Topic: supermarket shelves - beyondblue

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Something a sex therapist I used to see suggested was inquiring listening, where the aim is to find out as much about the other person's feelings as possible without talking about your own. For instance you ask them, "Why do you feel that way?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" and you keep asking them about their situation. Then of course you switch and they ask you questions.

Hi Jessica,

Too right. In fact when at a family event like a bbq there will be that one person that doesnt ask questions...its all about them. Self centred people that arent interested in others feelings are imo immature or not interested in engaging with others.

Thete us a remedy. I ask them if they are interested in what I'm saying and suggest they ask me a question. Sometimes the penny drops.

Tony WK

Gday Tony. Funny , your wife and the left draw reminds me so much of me, l'm dyslexia and people needing exacto on anything drive me mad because l just don't think like that when l talk. l can , but not just in every day shit.

But the arguments , frustrations, and anger ,yeah. This comes up with me in any threads lcome across that soemhow relate so l feel as if l'm talking about it all over but anyway but it was something like what you describe happens with my gf and l. she's the love of my life after divorce and l'm still just not satisfied that it has to be this way.

We got along incredibly, granted with hick ups but. So much passion and natural interest and convo, the kind you only get with that one in 10 million you just click.

But the other edge and why we split is we also flared up into nasty arguments, often just from just one word- speaking of dyslexia . She was very precise , even in fun times, which for us was most the time. But l talk very relaxed and whateverish , and often one word throws her into a spin she'd think l said something else. Add she's italian, me australian. She'd flare up in a heartbeat , and get nasty , and although l'm generally easy going and rarely bother getting into tangles with people, l can go off and after awhile between two people you get baggage and frsutration or just sick of their shit and so then we'd both crack it in no uncertain terms and end up in a huff.

We ahd so much though , this was our only thing and although people ahve told ,me she sounds bpd'ish , l dunno. at times we worked on it and found ways and it got better.

90% of the time we were just our brilliant passionate fun selves , but then something flares up. usually every 3 or 4 wks, and l'm not passing the buck here it's just how it was but it was usually her cracked the shits first, really quick temper. me l'm a bit differnet, l learnt early in life to try and wait soemthing out first. and practiced my whole life but she's both barrels , ask questions later, if even at all.

But generally she ahd a beautiful heart and would do anything for me, very loving , unless she cracked it.

But you talk of frustration too well she had plenty with me. l don;t talk exact for a start. But we were 1/2long distance and visiting wa shard and l had to cancel quite a few tiimes for work,money.

l still wonder if we could fix our crap yaknow because everything else we had was the best either of us had ever had, and love of course, lots of that haha.

You guys are.

Hi randomx

Thanks for your great post.

I get you totally. Dyslexia is no different to other disabilities or restrictions in that they arent your fault nor my wifes!

I do think we with restrictions need calm, relaxed partners. I think uf you had stayed together eventually her firey mood would have worn you down. We need partners that will relax and talk and talk.

Its not one way though. In return our partners should get appreciation in return. That chemistry can bring couples closer together but if as in your case you have a gf that blows her stack when you get a word out of place..it wont work.

My wife and I developed an agreement how to deal with disputes. In any future issue you might put it to the test.


Topic: relationship strife? The peace pipe- beyondblue

Another thread is what you can do with someone calmer

Topic: Being "reasonable" in arguements- beyondblue

Tony WK

Hey Tony, missed you 😀

Anger and frustration is a very sucking the best out of me ,like a giant leach!

As time has gone by they have taken over and eat away at me,my soul.

Triggering me

you dont understand me

your not listening

you should know what's wrong with me

I apparently take things the wrong way

I can read minds

people can't take the truth

me me me me people

lazy people


people taking over Australia

Family members 👹



Hi Dory

Ive learned a lot from my wife with anger.

She taught me that we arent perfect, we all say the wrong things, like randomx said, it comes out the wrong way.

But the best thing to do is making your own decisions. If you need time away from relatives- take it! Want a walk- do it! Want sardines- eat them like a good fishy...lol

Missed you to.

Tony WK

It’s like you’re in my head Dory!!!!

I go from ok to nuclear very fast if my buttons are pushed.

Lol Tony - “good fishie “