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Am I really an awful person?
I don't even know where to start, so a bit of background, I was seeing this girl for about a year now but we had never been 'official'. We both had/have been going through a lot as individuals. For me it was the end of a previous relationship which was partially ended because I developed feelings for her while I was still with him. I had and still do feel so much guilt around how things ended. For her, she unexpectedly lost her dad six months ago. So, we decided that it best if we work on them before entering a relationship. In saying this, we were saying I love you and acting like we were together.
When we had this converstation, the topic of exclusivity came up and we obviously got very different things out of that conversation. Although I wanted to be with her and did not have the desire to 'date' other people, physically I was not exclusive. At the time I honestly thought that is what we had agreed on, otherwise I wouldn't have been with anyone else.
She discovered that I had been with someone else and was really hurt. I explained that I must have misinterpreted the conversation we had and that I sincerely apologise for hurting her. Although difficult I believed that we were moving past it. This past week it was brought up again, somewhat out of the blue and she was upset with me again. I apologised once again for hurting her but said that I didn't want to live my life as the bad guy, we either need to work through it or not. Again, the road was going to be rocky but I felt that we were getting somewhere.
Then last night we went out with my friend and while I was in the bathroom my friend reached out to her and said that she knows we've had our ups and downs but shes rooting for us to work out. The girl I was seeing apparently became very defensive asking what my friend knew then asking for details of a night I'd been with someone else, accusing her of covering things up. When I came back from the bathroom she asked when that night was so I told her and she left. She walked out, I chased after her with no luck. Minutes later she sends me probably the most hurtful text I have ever gotten. She highlighted that the night was the same month as her dads funeral and that I am a 'piece of shit and she wants bothing to do with me'. My heart is aching, I can't believe it's over and that she has so much hate towards me. I feel sick, I can't sleep...am I really this awful person?
A very sad day for you.
I think you are both paying the price for lack of clarity early on in your relationship. A misinterpretation of commitment and conditions is crucial to a stable platform to work on other things without the risk of this happening. But it's done and now, what do you do?
Perhaps offer her your explanation and that although you knew she was going through the grief process, that you were of the understanding you could be involved with other people anyway, regardless of the timing. Furthermore, as this agreement was misunderstood, that you also love her very much, that you would love to reunite with more commitment.
Leave it at that ATM.
But in your heart you know you cannot wait forever. Time heals but nothing much more helps. Time also will allow her to settle her obviously high emotions. Time however will be your enemy as you battles this grief, so fill every day with activities, hobbies, etc. Distraction is your friend.
I'm at a loss as to what else you can do. Keep yourself together.
Now her and her friends are all ignoring me, I feel like I've lost everything and am so anxious and panicky.