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Am I going crazy?

Community Member

I'm in my 60s, am my son's carer  he has an Acquired brain injury due to surgery for epilepsy and has developed a mental illness. I have been looking after him for 7 yrs.  13 years ago moved to my husbands home state, I'm a Sydney girl, to be closer to his family. 10 yrs ago my husband got work overseas, he'd come home when he could and I also visited. It was on one of my visits I found out he had been fouling around...I was upset and hurt needless to say.  I've also noticed my few friends dropped away, after my son was living back home with me, they don't know how to handle the situation. I've now discovered my husband has a chinese girlfriend same age as my eldest daughter, she's been around for 3 yrs apparently. Visits home are less and less and I find I'm very alone, very isolated, very lonely and very fed up. Can't be bothered to do anything.I've  had counselling   in the past CBT to assist with my son. We live in a rural situation. I can't afford to move into town or back to Sydney as I have been stupid not to have saved some money when I discovered the Chinese woman. I want to scream abuse at my husband, but don't. Find myself talking to myself about him. We have been married 43 yrs. guess I've been traded in ...am I going nuts? Am I being selfish thinking the way I am? 

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Jan welcome ehre

Selfish? not at all.Funny how the victim see themselves as doing wrong. I read about it often.

Let me say this- you have your own standards and you married under the understanding there would be no affairs. Simple. So your husband violated these standards. You are not in the wrong.

"Traded in"?  yep, I've seen that a lot also. My wife's father traded in her mother for a girl one year older than her. He blamed his actions on "my mid life crisis" ....pity the family's future was ruined by it.

The BIG question is- what is going to be your remedy/answer to it all? Are you happy to not mention it and allow it to continue? Some women can oddly enough. Most cant, understandably so.

The same can be said for your comment "stupid not to have saved money". There you go again, blaming the victim (yourself) for not taking measures in an unusual situation. You are expecting too much of yourself.

Find some friends to talk to. Seek others opinions on what they might do. Weigh it up. Seek a financial advisors view of your financial situation.

If you decide to leave him, it isnt the end of the world. You have a world in your children.

From what you've said -it isnt your fault.

Good luck   Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Jan, welcome to BB and being 60 is also my age so that's a positive to start with. lol

I am curious about your son and having surgery, but that's probably not appropriate for this post, as you have posted about yourself.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Jan, welcome to the BB forum and being 60 well I'm the same age, feel old, well that depends on how you feel.

I am interested in your son's surgery as I too have epilepsy, but this post is for you, but you must care for him 24/7, which is indeed quite a load to carry, whereas your husband is off working o/s and partaking in extramartial affairs.

I'm not sure how you feel about keeping this marriage going, because it will never be the same ever again, which I'm sure you realise.

The counselling you have had was for your son mostly, but I'm sure it meant a great deal of extra work for yourself.

I too am an epileptic but it's now controlled with heavy medication, which means that my life has been cut short, simply because it makes me very tired, so I have no social life.

Goodness me I can't believe it when you say 'am I being selfish', well the simple answer to this is absolutely NO, as I'm sure that what you do at home is an extraordinary amount of work, and yes you have every right to be so annoyed with your husband, and is he still working and how much money does he give to this girl, which should be sent back to you instead.

I would be going to see your doctor who can then organise 10 free sessions with a psychologist, but I am concerned whether or not you can leave your son by himself, and I think I know the answer to this.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

Community Member

Hello Geoff, thanks for your "chat". I will go back to Dr for referral about me this time.  My sons surgery was to remove part of the left temporal lobe, where there was a lot of activity. Medication didn't really help, he was lucky to have 1 seizure free day a week, complex partial epilepsy.  He slept most other days. Became suicidal because of the way his life was heading. Episodes of not knowing what he was doing, unaware of behaviour.....personality change. He was tested for 6 months to see if he could manage surgery.  Even though there were complications, I firmly believe had he not had the surgery he wouldn't be here today. Do you know that his father wasn't there for the surgeries....he had a total of 5! That makes me angry. My son is on medication, certainly doesn't have the seizures like he had before. But he does seem vague from time to time and says he still has auroras. He has short term memory issues and confusion,  he's doing really well and hopefully next year he will be ready for some part time work.

i know I have to leave my husband, and the State I'm living in, but can't till my son is a bit more independent.  Perhaps then I might find a little joy in my life.