Am I cheating on my partner?

[James_1999]

Hi so I went to Europe recently whilst my girlfriend stayed behind. I love her very much and we have a great relationship. While I was in Scotland I went out clubbing and took some drugs with a guy I met at the club. This was very unlike me as I have never taken drugs and was quite drunk at this point and thought I’m only young once. I don’t know if the drugs affected my memory but next thing I know the guy I was with has downloaded Tinder on my phone and I’m swiping on it for fun. I spoke to one girl on this only to say I’m on holiday but never anything romantic or sexual. I feel really guilty and haven’t told my girlfriend about this as I fear she’d end the relationship. But I also think I should tell her out of moral. I keep thinking about it but I also don’t know whether to just blame the drug considering that was my first time using it and I would never cheat. 
Would love some help with this, I feel like I can’t tell anyone without being judged and feeling more guilty. 
- James 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Essentially you are asking for a personal opinion on this situation and that opinion might be such that it can cause you guilt, so you cant have a negative opinion without that causing guilt. Hence I'll provide my opinion and if it causes guilt that is a separate problem that is often discussed here. More on that later.

It wouldnt be appropriate in any way to "blame the drug", after all they dont have that ability. Taking anything unless by force is the persons own actions. That is clear. 

If you divulged that Tinder was on your phone or she found out, frankly I dont think she will believe you. You know what possible ramifications can emerged from that discovery. So let's look at the reasons why it is better to not inform her-

• Most couples do have the odd secret or undisclosed facts that are best to "leave sleeping dogs lie" rather that share
• Your guilt itself is IMO enough self discipline to ensure it wont happen again
• That you've learned the value of your relationship and how easily it could be destroyed
• That you now know that caring for yourself and your relationship is not worth risking by attending venues of high risk
• That "you're only young once" doesnt apply to you, that you are an adult in a committed relationship and being "young" doesnt have to include drug ingestion.

So, if you take that action- of no actual action, you could be left with guilt. Let me suggest that humans arent perfect and although it isnt wise to use that as any sound excuse for inappropriate behaviour there is some "reasonable" leeway to allow for errors. Your young age, first time for this or that and the guilt following are all reasonable events to allow for some growth. Guilt itself can be debilitating in its pure form and I've experienced this big time in my life. So the link below is a thread pertaining to dealing with guilt. 

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

Finally, it is quite brave of you to ask here on this topic essentially a topic of error. Others will read and learn from this. This is always a positive.

TonyWK

[James_1999]

Thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated. So would you say this behaviour is considered cheating? I still feel guilty but this advice has also given me reassurance. 
- James 

[white knight]

I would say it is clumsy, naïve actions at worst and you inadvertently caused stress to yourself that could have led to cheating or more likely be seen as cheating but didnt. If your GF saw the dating app on your phone I could understand her not believing any excuse you provide.

So no, I dont see it as cheating so learn from it, allow time to heal your guilt and love life and your loved ones in it.

Someone told me once- dont sweat the small stuff.

And well done in having a conscience.  

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi James

From a female perspective and from someone who's been married for a number of years, what you did sounds perfectly innocent. In my opinion, there's nothing to feel guilty about. So, that's one way to look at it...innocent, not guilty, your honor.

What you could say is (if you wanted to) you were only guilty of ingesting mind altering substances without being prepared for the potential side effects which involved no longer being fully conscious. In a completely conscious state, you wouldn't have chatted with the girl on the phone. As Tony points to, there's a lesson in that. Btw, big difference between 'chatting with' vs 'chatting up'.  So, the ultimate question could be 'Do I share my newly learned lesson with my partner?'. If she's a purely logical person with good instinct who can see nothing but reason, no biggy. On the other hand, if she's a somewhat emotional person whose imagination is easily triggered, I'd definitely advise against it. She'd possibly end up imagining and feeling a whole stack of stuff that never actually happened and that would be a form of torture for her. So, no need to torture her.

As say, it's all just my opinion. If my husband did this, I'd feel no need to know about it. On the other hand, if he was intentionally chatting up girls on his phone, I'd definitely want to know, as I'd like to be given the choice as to whether to end the relationship or not in regard to something that's far from innocent.

Hope this has helped put your mind at ease in some way. 🙂

[white knight]

Hi James

You might not recall you posted a similar post last week. I answered your post, I hope you found some comfort in that one. There is some variations between the posts so I'm a bit confused. It explains that you downloaded the Tinder app not a friend. So I think under the circumstances it might be best if you make a decision - to either explain to your GF the real event that took place or move on and make inroads to prevention rather than cure.

We all make mistake especially in our young adult lives. 

Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi there James_1999, 

We can hear you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed about what happened while you were away. As has been mentioned by our lovely community, we all make mistakes and sometimes they can replay in our minds causing a lot of anxiety. We’re so sorry you’re feeling this way, but want you to know that by posting here, and sharing your story with our community, you’ve already taken an enormous step and shown such bravery and strength.  

We wanted to provide some resources that might be of interest for you. You can always reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships.  It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. Please try and be kind to yourself, we are not defined by our mistakes and by opening up here you are finding a way to move forward.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the words of our lovely community members above brings you some comfort through this difficult time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[James_1999]

Hi Tony,

If I’m honest i was scared of putting the truthful situation out there but the second post was the honest one, so apologies for the confusion. I’ve still been thinking about the situation quite a bit and just hope I am making the right decision by not telling my girlfriend. 

[white knight]

Thats fine, it seems your guilt is getting the better of you, that means you are challenging your own honesty and afraid of keeping any secrets. Thats commendable but has a self destructive element to it. The real problem is telling her and her not trusting you 100% on any trip, overseas or local.

You knowing you wont do it again is enough honesty and moving on is a must.

TonyWK