Already depressed and now husband is leaving me, my world is shattered

[Sunny_Dayz]

I suffer from depression and anxiety and lately my depression has hit an all time low, most likely because my husband and I have been fighting bad for a couple of weeks. Today I went out on my own (without my two young children) and found myself not wanting to go home, I didn't want to go home and fight more. Well I got home and sure enough my husband and I fought and it was bad. Already feeling extremely depressed i left and found myself taking myself to the hospital for help, I literally felt like I wanted to die. While in the hospital emergency room waiting area (my husband knew I was there at this point) my husband calls me and tells me that he can't do this anymore and doesn't want to be with anymore and that were over. I broke down and walked up to the window unable to breath where they then took me through and talked me through a massive panic attack, after I calmed down they gave me some medication. I called my mum to come up and she did which helped too. I spoke to the psychologists who were not particularly helpful and who made it very clear that if I attenpt anything I would lose my children. I was discharged and am now staying with my parents for tonight while husband is home with the kids. He says he will continue to pay all bills while I stay living there and that I can continue to use the car. He continues to send mixed messages saying he doesn't want to be together but says "I love you" on the phone and is wanting to still go to marriage counselling with me. He also made a comment about wanting to sleep on my side of the bed tonight because it smells like me. 

My world just feels like it has shattered and I have no idea how to get through this. I never saw this coming, him leaving me, he's literally my everything. How do I get through this, what do I do, I'm not ready to give up on us but he says he doesn't even want to try. How do survive this. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Sunny

I am so sorry that you are going through this experience. To be depressed is bad enough but to lose the support of your husband makes everything so much worse.

May I make a couple of suggestions. Public mental health hospitals are notoriously lacking in sympathy. To threaten you with the loss of your children, in essence because you have depression, is uncalled for and cruel in my opinion. Have you been formally diagnosed with depression? If not please see your GP ASAP for some help. I suspect your local mental health team will be contacting you very soon to offer help. Please accept whatever help you can get.

It sounds as though your husband does care for you but cannot manage your depression. Both of you need help in this respect. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the various topics under The Facts. Send for whatever information you want and also information for your husband. Knowledge of depression is a great help in the management of this illness by you and your husband.

When faced with the mental illness of a partner, many people get quite scared. It's a situation they have not encountered before and need help to understand it and help the affected person.

One of the symptoms of depression is irritation and anger towards anyone and anything. Not logical but real and it does nothing to help the situation. This is not blaming you or your husband, just a fact of depression.

You husband says he loves you and there is no reason to doubt him. He is probably as confused and upset as you. He is willing to attend marriage counseling. Instead I suggest you ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist to help manage your depression. Ask the psych about your husband attending some or all of these sessions. This will give hubby more insight into your depression and help him to help you. You may not need marriage counseling.

Keep talking to each other about your feelings. You are feeling lost and alone. He is probably feeling scared, alone and afraid of losing you. You can get through this and it will be easier together.

I hope you will write in again and tell us what is happening in your life.

Mary

[Sunny_Dayz]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it more than you know. Beyond blue were kind enough to reply to me via email almost straight away which was very helpful. 

Since yesterday I have calmed down a lot and today I feel extremely confused more than anything else really.

I was diagnosed depression and anxiety in 2012. I have never been medicated though and with the help of my psychologist I have managed to control it for the most part. 

I would assume that it was my husband not being able to cope with my mental health but he has been different too, extremely different and I honestly feel that he is suffering from some depression right now too (he was diagnosed with in 2013). 

I have been very down lately because of constant fights that blow way out of proportion where we both end up anxious and angry and hurt. And yesterday our fight just tipped me over the edge. It wasn't until I was at the hospital that he said he no longer wanted to be together.

A month ago we were fine and happy and then for no reason his moods changed and I am so confused and in shock as to how it escalated to this.

I saw my gp today who took bloods, referred me to a new psychologist who I will be seeing tomorrow and I was given a script for anti depresents. 

My husband also went to his gp today who also took bloods and is waiting for the results back from that before they address any of my husbands other issues (this is all he told me)

To be honest I am very confused by his mixed signals. He has moved out but insists that I stay living in our home with the children and he will keep paying the rent and bills. And he insists that I keep his new car. He says he doesn't want to be togehter anymore but still says "I love you" and "I'm sorry for doing this to you". I spoke to him earlier and just carefully explained that I am confused and would like to know where I stand, and that I would just like to know whether we have actually broken up or if we're on a break, he said he doesn't know and he is waiting until our marriage counselling session to decide. But he did say "of course I still love you and of course I still care about you, I'm just not happy at the moment and I need to figure out why". 

Im so terrified that I am clinging onto all this hope and he is going to turn around and not want us anymore. I wasn't expecting anything like this, it literally came out of nowhere and I feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down without warning.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sunny

Congratulations on getting to see your GP. How do you feel about taking ADs? It can be quite confronting for some people. Please remember ADs take several weeks to 'kick in' and up to six weeks to become fully effective. So do not be disheartened if you feel no difference in the short term. Also be aware that ADs can have uncomfortable side effects. These usually go after a short time but if not, please return to your GP and discuss this.

You have given more information in your second post about your husband. From what you have said he has classic symptoms of depression. Not knowing what he wants, irritability, pushing people away, mixed signals. Certainly fits with his diagnosis.

Well you have both started on the journey towards health. Can I ask why you have a new psych. I see you were being treated by a psych in 2012. Does your GP feel you need someone different or is just because you are unable to see the previous psych now. I am asking because it can be more comfortable to be with someone you already know.

I can understand your fear that you will lose your husband, it's quite a terrifying thought. In fact this whole time is quite frightening for you. I am sure you will be addressing this with the psych today. I see your husband is still keen on marriage counseling. Can you also discuss this with the psych today. It seems to me that both of you need to be making progress in the management of depression before you can talk about your relationship. Marriage guidance people are not usually psychologists, as far as I know, and I wonder if this will confuse the depression issues.

If it is depression that is causing your husband's confusion about staying together it will be difficult for him to clearly see any issues between you. I wonder if they will be masked or influenced by the depression. Anyway, this is for you to decide, but do ask the psych for assistance.

Please write in again after your psych visit. I am interested in how you went.

Mary

[Sunny_Dayz]

Hi Mary,

I haven't been on here as life has been far too hectic lately. But I thought I would come on to update you if you were still interested in hearing. So as it turns out, my 23 year old husband was having an emotional affair with an 18 year old girl. I can now see why there were all these problems and why he just packed up and left. 

He did come back to me, he was gone for not even a week before he came back, everything was literally perfect, I'm not even sure how to explain how perfect our marriage was going but a week or two of perfectness and his text messages unbenonce to me accidentally synced to my iPad so all these messages came through. I have chosen to forgive him, he cut off contact with this girl before he came back to me but I am struggling to come to terms with it all. The feeling of not being good enough for someone who is your world is a horrible feeling. We keep fighting about it because he wants to pretend it never happened and to just move on but I am hurting very badly and can't do that. He basically wrote off 8 years worth of builded up trust which now has to be rebuilt from scratch, it's an overwhelming thought.

 -a

[geoff]

dear Sunny Day, I am deeply sorry for this to even begin, and it's not something which you can just never forget,
because lack of trust is always going to be the main issue here, because how can you be sure that he has stopped
contacting this girl or another girl and then saying that you have to move on, well relationships and marriages can't
operate on these conditions unless it's an open marriage, which this is certainly not the case here.
It would be very difficult to close the door on this and then put it behind you, because if it was me in this situation
I would always worry that contact with her or someone else was still going on behind my back, but now he has learnt on
what he realises he did wrong and could be better prepared so that his tracks are covered.
Whether you want to start from scratch once again and hope that he doesn't do it again, and you're not sure even if
something else happened even before this one, is up to you, but you have to start from scratch again, but can I ask you
a question and please only answer if you want to, where is he going during the times of day when he is not working and
not with the kids, or perhaps he might have taken a sickie which you don't know about.
I'm sorry I seem to be very critical of him, but that's not a decision I have to make, it's one which you need to talk
about with your friends, doctor and psychologist if you are seeing someone. Geoff. x

[Sunny_Dayz]

Hi Geoff, 

 he only met up with her twice, it was mostly text messages and phone calls. The first time he met up with her he told me he was helping a friend in need, which he was but decided to meet up with her afterwards early hours of the morning in a car park, he says that they just listened to music and joked around, I'm still not sure whether I believe that or not. The second time he was at work and told me he had to go to a particular place to do something for work but had no phone reception, I tried calling him a few times that night and it didn't ring, he actually drove 40 minuets out of his way to see her at her fathers house. I waited up for him that night because we had been fighting a lot and spent the day organising for our children to be minded and getting a reservation for the following night at his favourite restaraunt and I was waiting for him to come home to tell him all that. It is a very complicated situation where I do honestly believe that he didn't have feelings for her and that it was him just him feeling overwhelmed with a whole family at such a young age, but she also led him on, telling him that my kids are a bonus to her and talking about what their children would look like if they ever had any and strange things like that. When he told her that he doesn't want to talk to her any longer she turned around and said "well I have a boyfriend anyway". I'm not sure how someone who has no feelings for a girl could be strung along by her like that, it really baffles me. 

Trust is definitely the big problem right now, I am honestly so terrified that this will happen again and I'm not sure what to do about that feeling, I want to continue to be with him but what kind of relationship is it when there is no trust left and you're always second guessing everything.

 -a