Alone & Lonely

[BasilThree]

I had a bit of a scroll on here, looking for a thread where people may feel how I’m feeling, but didn’t come across one that really fits how I’m feeling.

I feel for all the people who are in difficult marriages, relationships, situations etc. My issue is a bit the opposite....never ending singledom.

I’ve been single for 2 years, and have been in short relationships all my life. Little stints or maybe 10 months in a relationship, then a big gap etc.

I didn’t like who I was in my last relationship (codependent) & am glad I have evolved from that now. But now, well I’m 32, and I don’t think I will ever have a relationship. A FULL relationship, where I’m challenged and feel joyful & and we both feel enthused about each other. Do these relationships even exist? I moved to a small city where people marry young, have children & don’t really look much outside their comfort circle. I’ve not found many people at all that I can connect with on a deeper level. I have friends, and since my last relationship, make a big effort to get involved socially, join groups and keep busy. But I can’t shake the feeling of not belonging, and of feeling that the people I do know, don’t actually know me at all. And also, feeling like actually, most of the people that I do see in relationships look bored out of their mind, or deeply unsatisfied. I look for miserable people, to make myself miserable too lol.

For the first time ever, I am also feeling the maternal urges. To have children & to have family. And not having that is becoming a bit like an open wound. I’m not sure how to deal with that, because I don’t want to get bitter, and I don’t want to feel sad over it. I have a friend in her 40s who is so sad over the fact she has no children, and I don’t want to feel like that. What’s the best way to tackle that one??

Ive done heaps of travel, had some great jobs, done some things I’m very proud of. But doing it all solo is starting to have an effect on me, and it feeds into me feeling sorry for myself, and feeling really helpless (and hopeless...and anxious) about my future. Also, being single means I have to do everything myself, which I’m so tired of doing! Food shopping, house cleaning, dog walking, lawn mowing, socialising. I am in a constant state of making myself do stuff, because I’m the only one that can do it.

Thankssssss 🙂

[xGREENMANx]

Hi Basil. I have to say that i feel almost exactly what you are feeling. I wish i had the words to make you feel better but all i can offer you is my own experience and to let you know that you may be lonely but your not alone.

Society is still adjusting to longer life spans, it use to be the norm to get married in your 20's and pump out kids because of the lack of medical science. But if you think about who you were 10 years ago and who you are now. You will see the differance and how you have grown. This is what a lot of people overlook these days and in a fast pace world people are quick to rush into things. I see it alot from people i use to go to school with, I think only about 1 in 10 relationships have actually worked out. They grow apart because they are different people then when they first met. Its important to develop yourself as a person instead of trying to change yourself or someone else to fit the relationship. Alot of people get into relationships just because they don't want to be alone. One thing I have noticed is the time between relationships has gone from months to just a week or two. I have experienced these relationships before and it's just an empty feeling especially when your ex has a bf within a week. The time you spent together feels worthless in the end.

what im trying to say is that a true loving relationship is worth the wait. It

I also have the feeling that I can be with a bunch of people but feel so alone. This makes me wonder if like me you have suffered from some sort of traumatic event/events that most people never experience. so its hard to relate or open yourself to people. This part is why I have trouble and feel alone. I've only ever opened up to 2 different girls in my life but both have turned their backs on me in the end. To have someone you love that knows you better than you know yourself just leave is something i can't bare to go through again. I haven't felt love or even a connection with someone in 5 years. I think I'm just scared. I did truly love them and hope they found true happiness. They aren't evil people and i don't blame them for not staying. The last 10 years I've had to be there for my father as he was suicidal, I lost count of how many times he tried. He past away a week ago and one of the girls messaged me to see if i was ok, it was nice but just reminded me of how i use to feel and brought back a flood of bad memories.

[xGREENMANx]

Accidentally replied before i finished lol

To sum up what im trying to say is it's more responsible to find your life long partner in your 30's or your 40's. Enjoy life and your freedom. Our best days are still to come so be happy and look forward to meeting Mr right, not Mr right now.

It's better to see the glass as half full not half empty 😉

[GoodWitch]

Hi BasilThree,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in when I have no recent experience being single, but I just wanted to thank you for your post. The grass in the single paddock can sometimes look very green to someone who's committed, it's a good reminder that nobody's life is perfect.

I'm one of those posters in a difficult relationship who's wondering if I should have stayed single or if I should separate and find myself again, or if I just continue on not rocking the boat. It is very easy to get lost in a relationship, and it's also easy (maybe just as easy?) to be lonely in one too. I also know of several married women who do all the housework, as well as paid work and mow the lawn too! I guess what I'm saying by that is, a partner who isn't really a best friend and support to you isn't worth having anyway, so if you haven't met anyone like that you may not be missing as much as you think. I know that probably doesn't help but anyway. Coupledom takes a heck of a lot of work and in its own way might be as draining as singledom.

There are great relationships where the couple really dig each other and help each other and you can see their happiness. I think they are rarer than Hollywood has led us to believe though, and so a lot of people are probably in your boat, wanting THAT, not just settling for anything, but missing out because THAT is not so easy to find. There is still lots of time, you're only 32, although I understand all you've said about doing everything on your own becoming tiresome. Your biggest problem I see is the family situation. Women can't always wait until later in life to find love if they're hoping to raise a family. Have you ever thought about how you might go about having a child if you don't find a partner in the next few years? Is that something you'd consider doing? It's sad IMO when a woman has a great maternal pull inside her but she's left childless because they never find a partner who's right for them. I guess I'm saying it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe you could explore those options? At least consider them a back up plan if you feel your life will be incomplete without kids?

Hope you don't mind this post I just thought I'd share my thoughts. Feel free to ignore me if I've not helped.

(and about nobody really 'getting' you I understand completely. I've felt that way despite being married 20yrs)

GW

[BasilThree]

Hey xGreenman thanks for taking the time to respond!

It made me feel not so isolated even just reading peoples responses. Its comforting to know I'm not alone in how I feel. I liked your comments about our life span being longer, it helps to put things into perspective for me. And I know what you mean about not wanting to get hurt again. Isn't it scary. I was recently seeing someone (thought it was going to go somewhere but he ended up just 'ghosting' me after 4 months together), and actually on a few occasions I would just get scared and sad and explain to him how vulnerable I feel to be getting into something again. That joy and excitement of opening up to someone new is SO exciting, but it is very hard to deal when then they drop off the planet, with no explanation. I'll be even more tentative the next time I suppose. It's hard to keep staying open to things - I always take months and months to meet someone new, and always go slow. I guess you just don't know when/if things are just going to drop off.

It's nice that an ex of yours got in touch with you, and I hope youre doing ok managing those bad memories! I hope you're ok too 🙂 getting some support??

[BasilThree]

Hi GW

Thanks for your reply. Honestly it's just so nice having some people respond to this post! It makes me not feel as alone as I was feeling last night. Re maternal feelings, I guess I don't allow myself to plan for anything just yet, because it actually was a huge step for me to just realise I would like to have children one day, and I've hardly even mentioned that thought to anyone! I really can't believe my old biological clock is ticking lol. It doesn't really align with how I've always thought of myself - and how people think of me as well. Everyone thinks I'm footloose and fancy free, I don't think they realise I want other things now as well. Anyway! All leads into thought of me feeling alone in a way, and I guess a bit confused about my identity too. I just keep doing what I'm doing - work (which I love), study (meh), visit people.

You've definitely given me something to think about about other options for children/family. Thanks 🙂

[GoodWitch]

Totally understand BasilThree, I think we're all confused over our identity at one time or another (or for your whole lives in some cases lol). It's exciting that you've realised you want to be a mother, that you're expanding your list of 'things to do' into areas you hadn't considered before. And people will pigeon hole you that's true, but you get to live your own life and make your own choices. Your future is wide open, that's actually a good thing! Anything could happen yet, what a thrill. And you love your career, what a gift that is.

I'm glad you're feeling less lonely. Feel free to post updates anytime.

GW

[Terry73]

Hi BasilThree,

I just want to say, I do know what you are going through, I have been there myself, but I implore you please dont do what I had done.

Like you, when I was in mid 30s was feeling that I was never going to have kids that I could be a father to, I had a son but had split up with his mother before he was born (her choice), I had lost contact so never was able to be a father, finally started to meet up with him after he turned 16, but by then had missed out on a lot. I wanted to have children that I could watch grow up, learn to walk, go to school for their first day, etc. I finally thought I had found someone, got married, had 2 kids, life felt on track, until she decided she didnt want to live with me anymore, I was locked out of my own home which made me homeless for years (still feel homeless, although have some friends allowing me to stay, paying my way of course), lost my job, and for 8 years (from back then til now) have never been able to contact my kids (you might find posts written by me which explain this in detail).

Why I say dont go through that is so you dont suffer that pain, dont rush into to something, you are better off just coping with being single than having to deal with that, find the right person to have children with, never try to compromise on that, especially on things that are crucial to your own ideal wants in another person.

Terry

[BasilThree]

Hey Terry,

thanks for your post. It’s always good to get reminded of this. I always try to tell myself this, but remaining strong on it all the time can be hard! At the moment I’m just trying to catch pick myself up again - put a bit of determination into my life, I’m a student, so just staying motivated for uni, trying to walk there when the weather suits, eat better, and more importantly - voice my wants! Try to own my life - yeah I’m 31 - yep I want kids - yep I want to move after uni and travel. I always try to fit into the lives of partners or guys I meet. So trying to use this time to get stronger!