Alone and possibly insane

[Tintetare23]

happy 4am everyone, I can’t sleep!! I’m a little lost… married 21 years 3 kids. My marriage lacks respect, love and intimacy and although I have attempted numerous times to discuss this with my partner all I get is “get over it”. He works nights and once home (at around 11:30am) he sits on the Xbox until he goes to bed (6:30pm). I get no support to run the house, no happy conversations just an angry resentful man. Although surrounded by people I feel lonely, depressed and anxious that my marriage is falling apart and I have no control. 

[geoff]

Hello Tintetare, I'm sorry this has been happening, but know that after 20 years of marriage, once your spouse/partner feels like this it's very hard to return back to how you want it, this doesn't mean that if you separate then you can still reconnect with them as this is what happened with me.

Unfortunately the number of people supporting you can never replace the person you have been a partner with, although there are occasions when you enjoy their company, but then you have to return home.

Sometimes a separation can ignite a relationship, while other times it might that something is going on behind your back, I hope not for your sake.

You can have control by suggesting this and would like to know you go.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[IAM_INKI]

Hello dear! This breaks my heart, I'm sorry you've been hurting like this. Have you tried working things out with him? Talking to eachother and trying to help one another to open-up through making sure that the communication between the two of you is well-taken care enough. Spend some time with one another. Surprise him with dinner, gifts and anything you can think of. You can do those stuffs even if you're the woman. He's your husband... love him unconditionally. Reach out to him until he'll be able to lend his ears to you.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you have been going through this. It must be quite overwhelming for you to have to juggle all the house work and family duties alone. I can understand that.

Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? I know it only works if your husband agrees to go...but if he doesn't listen he will soon realize it is too late. You can only do your best to save things, but there is only so much you can do. Know you are worth more and deserve more respect than he is giving currently.

Have you considered seeing a psychologist to help you through this too?

I hope you find a solution,

Jaz xx

[therising]

Hi Tintetare23

I feel for you so deeply as you work hard to find your way through what's so challenging and heartbreaking.

While you've tried to tap into your husband's mind, 'get over it' sounds like it's closed. Which do you feel's more plausible? 1) he's feeling a depressing soul destroying daily grind with no energy and joy, besides what comes from the xbox, and the 'get over it' comes with an unspoken resentful 'like I have to' or 2) he's simply self serving and is happy working and coming home to connect with what makes him happy? Of course, hard to know unless he tells you.

With a slight variation, I've been married for almost 21 years, have 2 kids and my husband loves his tv and PlayStation. Spent years devoted to bringing him happiness until I realised how hard I was working. While he has my deepest respect for his devotion to serving the family through the jobs he's worked hard at, my daughter once said to me 'Low bar Mum'. She's right, there has to be more to a relationship than living with someone who sets the bar at going out to work and that's all they feel the need to do. Btw, my husband sees opening up as unnecessarily stressful. It can be painful and lonely, being in a relationship with someone who's not willing to feel and discuss tough emotions and what moving forward needs to look like.

Taken 2 approaches in the past. One involved lovingly asking 'Do you feel you're depressed?', to be met with a look as though I'm insane and 'No, why would I be?'. The other involved me eventually saying 'I just can't tolerate your disconnection from all things that don't suit you. You're self serving and neglectful in ways and I feel and resent your depressing nature'.

Can try to 'wake someone up' gradually over time in careful ways, to how much sufferance is going on, or do the old 'psychological slap in the face'. Before trying the 2nd (if you feel the need), best to find out whether your husband's depressed. Btw, went to marriage counseling some years back and while disappointed my husband didn't come I learned a lot about myself. Served me well. Take good care of yourself ❤️

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tintetare23,

I once read that to have your feelings dismissed and diminished is an almost intolerable form of cruelty, at the very least it shows a complete lack of respect and care. I was in a relationship like that once and any time I expressed an issue (calmly and rationally and wanted to just have a discussion), I was told “if you don’t like it leave”. No matter how big or small the issue was, that was the standard response. It’s a very effective way at shutting down a conversation. But the thing is, the problem doesn’t go away, it festers there unaddressed and compounds. Your partner should be your support, your team mate, the person who checks in with you and who makes life easier. Not another person to add to your burden. The way I see it you get one thing maximum (and to be honest even that’s being pretty generous), you don’t get to do absolutely nothing around the place to help, and I imagine there’s a lot to do around the place with three kids, but then also be an angry resentful partner as well. Like I said, I was in a relationship such as this and I actually felt my life get infinitely easier when I left because I had to do everything for myself, the same as I always had, but I had one less drain of a person to look after and I didn’t have to pander to his moods either. I could just do things how I wanted and found it a lot more peaceful. Only you can make the decisions for yourself. I know how hard it can be when the relationship feels totally outside of your control, almost as if you are an innocent bystander and things just happen to you. But you have choices and you have power, don’t forget that. You can set some boundaries of what you will and won’t accept, and he can choose what he wants to do. But then I suppose you need to decide whether you want to keep living in a marriage where your feelings are invalidated and you get zero help or support. Out of curiosity, was he always like this? Or has it just gradually happened over time?