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Alone and not sure what to do now after 30+ years
Hi One way street and welcome to Beyond Blue
My heart goes out to you One way street. It is understandable why you are feeling the way you are. You have had so many life changes in a very short period of time. The loss of a husband, family home, business - I think you'll find you are going through a grieving process. There is a section under our People Like Me forum - Grief and Loss. Feel free to join any of the discussions that you think suit your circumstances.
Grief has a number of phases you go through - though these aren't in any order and you can't put a time limit on them. Try to be very kind to yourself. It's finding new things in your life. What are some of your interests? Do you like walking or cycling? You could join a local club. When you are up to it, there are also dating sites. I've never used one myself, though I have friends who have. There are some things you'll need to be cautious about of course.
Have you ever thought about studying or doing a craft or art?
Think of your life as something you want to 'renew'. Make a plan, set some goals (a bit like work, or moving into a new place). Remembering plans can always change too.
Maybe you could do with talking to some one, like a health professional (councillor or psychologist)? They can be a good source to get a plan worked out, as well as working through some of the grief you are experiencing.
You're not alone one way street. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.
Ha one way street,
im feeling your pain, I really do I to had the emotional ebomb I love you but am not in love with you, it’s a typical mid life crisis’s script, after 28yrs of what I thought was a perfect marriage my wife left me ! Got home from work & she had left me, will give you some advise your probably not sleeping or eating & your absolutely devastated it’s a crazy time but it has nothing to do with you,this crisis would have happened with or without you, it’s something in your husbands past that happens long before you met & it’s out of your control & only he can resolve, but as long as there is love there is hope,I can only let you know that what ever happens you will be ok, I’ve been down the dark road it’s a roller coasters of a ride that will test your resolve & commitment, I chose to stand for my marriage with the hope that in Time my wife would resolve her issues & would return home but I know this will take time, Time it’s a factor that I have to accept,I used to hate the word but as time goes bye I’m learning that it’s all we have, we have to learn that the only control we have is is over ourselves, we are the only ones we can control, we have to let go of our spouses & completely detach from them, easier said than done, but at this time we are not even in there thoughts they have turned there hearts & thought away from us, The more we beg and cry just gives them justification for there actions,you have to put all your focus on you now Your the one that matters look after you, you will be ok given time,
wishing you all the best for the new year,
Hello one way street,
Ohhh my heart goes out to you. Thank you for having the courage to place your story here. I came across it when I was trying to find the new posts page where to write mine because I feel the need to reach out for help as well. Reading about your story has helped me realise I am not alone with this.
What you are going through is huge. Try not to do it on your own. Hopefully, sharing your story will lighten your burden while it is all playing out.
I have found walking every day helpful. My mind is a scrambled mess from my break up. Self help books and podcasts have been helpful as well. I have had a couple of sessions with one psychologist who I have not connected with very well which was disappointing after having three sessions. Not being able to connect with her might be an age thing. I am 60 and have raised four children and been knocked around a bit by life so I need to speak to someone who can challenge my thinking a bit. I did not find her input helpful but it was still good to talk to someone about it all. So I have found another one that I have to drive two hours to on the 10th January. The advice from this site and others does say that you might need to speak to a couple of psychologists till you find the right one so I am not being discouraged by that.
Acceptance is a big thing for me. Acceptance that it is finished and the harsh reality of that. I still ruminate over ways I can get him to see how wrong he is and how good I am for him and how happy we were. He is with someone else and has moved on very quickly and happily. I still trouble myself with thoughts of him realising he was wrong and he will eventually see that. Like sean mc said, I am not in his thoughts, he has moved on with someone else. That is so difficult to come to terms with but it is the reality and it hurts, really hurts.
Focus on you now and take care of yourself. Thinking of you and again thank you for sharing your story.
Hello one way street,
I found my way around the site and posted my story yesterday.My story sounds insignificant compared to yours being such a long standing relationship and the other challenges life has thrown at you with ill health and loss. You are an amazing woman to have raised your children, struggled through a terribly scary illness and maintained a business. Give yourself due credit.
Having gone through my marriage ending years ago after my husband had taken up with someone 10 years younger than me, I did not think that anything would blindside me again. But, it has. There were our four children involved in that. I did not enter into anything else after that and focused on my children and full time work....until this relationship so maybe that is why I feel so wracked by it all.
The first thing I learned to take on board from counselling was that all my thinking and reactions and feelings and all over the place emotions was very normal in a situation where things feel so out of control.
Thank you for your best wishes for the 10th.
I'm going to go to Sydney too on the 16th to catch up with one of my sons before I head back to work.
I also now find that I don't have friends around here that I can catch up with. I used to have a network through the school and kids but life has taken on new turns since then and for the past few years it felt like enough to have this relationship. So I have to expand that now as well.
Having been a single mum for many many years I never thought I would be saying that I have to take each day at a time and sometimes each hour. Back then, it was full steam ahead with so much to fill the day and to get on with for the kids sake, obliterating any pain. My thoughts are with you as your anniversary approaches. For me now from my marriage anyway, the wedding anniversary comes and goes and when I was going through the throes of a marriage breakdown I never thought that would happen. I do have to say that wedding photos and earlier memories are all locked away and have not been looked at in years because I found them too painful to look at at the time.
New Years Eve was very quiet for me too. The next day I took myself out for a long walk and even though I was on my own, I appreciated the day, and was thankful I had no hangover.
I had to delete so much more from this because I unknowingly went over the word count.
Take care of yourself. Please feel free to write again.