Alone and confused

[Jess99]

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I’m hoping that this will help me in getting some kind of advice, or just feel a little better to get things off my chest.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a few months with this guy, and of course there’s been ups and downs. However as of lately there’s just more downs than anything else, and I’m finding myself struggling to keep it all together. He has a very bad temper so when we fight that comes out, and his emotional abuse is beyond words can describe. He also is very controlling and treats me like a child. Saying things to me like wipe your feet before coming inside, go to the toilet before leaving the house and takes over when I try to cook in his kitchen. He has a child with his ex wife and when i got in this relationship I was told a lot of bad things about him, but I chose to ignore them to make my own decision. A few months ago I fell pregnant with him and had an abortion. He knew about it and basically wanted the abortion so that was that. I’ve now found out I’m pregnant again with him, but this time I haven’t told him. I regretted having an abortion last time so if worse comes to worse and he wants one again, I want to tell him no and keep the baby. Even if it means raising it on my own.Is that selfish of me?

I have 2 kids already with my ex who I was with for almost 10 years. We built a house together and everything (never married). When we broke up I moved out of the house and back to my mothers. I wanted the kids to come stay with me, however his parents got involved and forced my hand into having the kids at the house and that I would only be seeing them basically on the weekends. At the time I agreed to it because I was vulnerable and thought it was the best interest for the kids so it wasn’t disrupting their every day living, however I’ve been forced to now take legal action against my ex due to miscommunication and him now keeping them away from me (for almost a year now). Lawyers have been going back and forth and trying to get into the court now, but it’s just taking its toll on me and making me want to break almost every day. Especially not seeing them on Christmas, birthdays, Easter and the worst for me was Mother’s Day.

Anyway that’s basically all of what’s happening with me. So thank you for reading!

[smallwolf]

Hi Jess,

welcome to beyond blue.

It sounds like life is somewhat complicated and stressful for you at the moment - a shaky marriage, and abusive husband and pregnant (again), including the issues with your ex.

As far as your question goes about raising a child on your own, and whether it selfish or not, because at the end of the day you are the only person walking in your shoes, and the only person who can determine what action to take. Another user on the forum recently asked a question about abortion, and I posed the following question to them ...

What would it mean for my future if I had a child now?
What would it mean for my family if I had a child now?
Is anyone pressuring me to have or not have an abortion?
Would having a baby change my life in a way I do or don’t want?
Would having an abortion change my life in a way I do or don’t want?
What kind of support would I need and get if I decided to get an abortion?
What kind of support would I need and get if I decided to have a baby?

Some of the above questions you would have answered in your initial post, but with thinking about again.

I sense you might be fearful about the telling your husband that you are pregnant again, and perhaps because you think you know what he will say to you. Is that correct?

And if you did tell him (does he have a right to know) and the expectation was you to get an abortion, how would you feel then? Do you have family or friends that you can talk to about this situation?

At the top of your post you mentioned getting it off your chest... How do you feel now that you have written the post. Sometimes, in a space like this you can put down your thoughts, and come up with your own solution. The one advantage here is that other users can share their stories with you a well, and listen and respond. If you want to chat some more then ......

Tim

[Jess99]

Hello Tim,

Firstly I just wanted to say thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it, more than I can say as it has helped me in thinking about things a lot more.

I don’t have much support, very little if I’m being completely honest. I live with my mother and we’re not very close. I don’t have any siblings, and majority of my friends that I had I have either pushed away due to them not getting along with my ex or just lost touch due to time and growing apart. I honestly don’t talk to anyone about things, I just generally keep it all up bottled to myself or write it out in my journal. I can’t even talk to my boyfriend as he’s just not the type to give me advice or understand what I feeling or coming from. He’s so self righteous in his head and when I try to talk to him about my feelings he brushes it off saying it’s all in my head and nothing’s wrong. I just can’t talk to him, period.

And yes I already know that once I tell him I’m pregnant again he’s going to tell me the same thing - to have an abortion. He already has 1 kid and I have 2 from our previous relationships. It’s evidently clear he doesn’t want another, or maybe it’s just not with myself who knows.

Personally I do want to keep it, even if it means losing him and being on my own. I have a lot of love to give and from not being able to see my other kids due to my ex and the current lawyers situation I feel like this may be a new chance for myself. But then I also think about the option of having the abortion and leaving him and starting fresh. We’re not married nor do we live together, although I’m basically over his house every night.

Obviously I’m very confused and not having anyone to talk to about everything just doesn’t help, but thank you for your words and advice!

[smallwolf]

Hi Jess,

You mentioned friends going away cause they did not get along with your ex etc. There is one person that I had not spoken to for years, but we were friends on facebook and I sent him a message last year, asking him if I be a referee for some job, and we could get together for a coffee maybe. He replied saying he was worried about me. To make a long story short, our friendship was rekindled.

So if there are people who you think might listen to you then it might be worth having a chat with them. What do you think?

There are also organisations that you can speak to as well. If you go to government web page in your state, and can easily be found with a google search. For example

abortion qld

one of the links will be to a web page relating to termination. At the end of the page there will be links to other services and phone numbers of people you can talk to. There is really no wrong answer, but you need to be able to accept whatever decision you make. Does that make sense?

Tim