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Alone after first long-term relationship breakup

Community Member

About a week ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, essentially telling me that he has been questioning/out of love with me for the last 6 months and waited until my birthday to finally say it. Except, the reason he was doing it this day was apparently he was so sure of it he cheated on me with his housemate. It was strange because I still wanted to try even after the worst thing imaginable happened to me, and for some reason I still cant bring myself to hate him (especially because i had felt that way at one point). We have talked everyday because we both want to still talk to eachother even though we know that is making the break up harder. Our calls gave me slight bits of hope, that hes 'confused', that maybe he will regret it, that he had planned things for the future (apparently he thought these would just be bandaids), that hes jealous of other people (doesn't have any right to be) and thinks it will take a long time to get over me. But the calls progressed into the fact that he didn't feel like he wanted to be in a relationship anymore even though he is a monogamous person and is terrified of being alone. I think the reason I held onto the possibility of fixing things was that lockdown was one thing that truly ruined our relationship (basically most of our relationship) and the irony that after it finally ended, we did too, which also makes me frustrated that something outside our control affected our relationship so much (we dont live together). Also the fact that he did still have feelings for me for my birthday weekend.

I guess I'm just struggling because I realised that we were too codependent and there is such a large void in my life, like just having him to talk to. I think he is certain of this ending because he needs to work on himself and his passions (which were certainly crushed by lockdown) and he wants to have more experiences, and I was just one. I guess I am finally coming to terms with accepting what he wants, and the fact that even if he is the best for me, I wasn't the best for him. Mourning the future we could've had, the social circles we intertwined (my friend is dating his friend which makes it awkward now). I know I'm only taking this so hard because it's my first long relationship, and one day I will probably look back and laugh, or atleast only smile. But I don't know what to do, mourning him and not hating him. How do I get over him?

3 Replies 3

Community Champion
Community Champion

hi and welcome to the forums.

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. It sounds as though this person was a large part of your life and now "gone". So it seems there is now a hole (of sorts) in your life to fill. It is natural to grieve, be angry, etc. over what was lost. However, with supportive friends who will help you take your mind off things, new possibilities may come. This time, the time it takes to get over him, will take its own time, whether 1 week, month or many months. However long or short is your normal. Remember you have friends you can rely on.

And you might want to look at a relationship with yourself. Lastly, reading on this topic you may find other ideas to help.

Listening to you.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey there,
Im so sorry to hear what happened, i cant imagine how you must be feeling that is such a horrible thing to do!

This person does not deserve to have you in his life and you deserve better, its normal to have trouble letting go and to wean off each other after being together for so long

I always try and remember that everything happens for a reason, trust this, I know you must be hurting but things will get better
You can try and fill the void with other things/people to help you heal i found my pet was a big support during a similar time for me

I know you think he was best for you but someone who is best for you wouldn't have done something like this to hurt you so much.
Mourn the future but also manifest the future you want

The first breakup with your first love is very hard but just keep going day by day

How do you get over him? try and fill the void with something else that takes your mind off things and start focusing on taking care of yourself

I hope this helps

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Heya sadsunday,

Warm welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear about your heartbreak. Being your first long relationship as well, I can understand how hard it must be for you to get thru this heartbreak. Treat yourself with kindness as you go thru the stages of grieving a loss. Know that your feelings are valid, and you deserve better; Someone who is willing to see you as the best for them, while you see them as the best for you. Someone who is willing to commit to the relationship, and work together with you through the hard times. You want someone who's willing to make things work, rather than one who just gives up half way and walks away (no matter the reasons).

Fill your time with friends and family. Even if your friendship circle intertwined, those who are your friends will still support you. Give yourself some self-love too. Enjoy a nice hearty meal, or go for a nice spa session with some friends and family. Rediscover things that you couldn't do while you were in a relationship. Or discover new things and hobbies that you might enjoy. There's still a lot of things you can discover and do in life for yourself.

Hope that helps ya. Stay strong, I'm sure you'll get thru this just fine. First relationship heartbreak hits really hard, but you'll eventually learn to live with that feeling. What felt like a crashing wave at the start, will eventually ease out to feel like just a small water droplet on your skin.