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All control is lost.

Community Member

My partner of 3.5 years has suffered for some time with depression but hadn't acted on it until 3 weeks ago. He made a move to a town far from home(Melb) & was struggling on his own. I made him go to a GP after suffering get another nervous break down. he was put on antidepressants & was told to try his best at making his life happy with sport, friends, family ect.

2 days ago I came home to him with my brother & their friend having a nice time over a few drinks, I was cooking dinner & my partner suddlenly left the house & upon following him & asking what's wrong he told me he "can't do this anymore" & "can't be with me anymore", & before I could get a word in someone came to pick him up.

this came as a HUGE shock to me, as I hadn't seen any changes in our relationship or the way he treated me, to the point he begged me to move down to his new home town(moved for work)straight after returning from our 6 week trip to the USA (which was 5 weeks ago.)

(he has also now apparently left this job & is living in Melbourne again)

i messaged him to ask if he was ok & to call & chat when he's ready. I received an immediate call back, & he confirmed he was breaking up with me for a number of reasons:

  • He believes he needs to be with someone with more "structure & drive" than I have (I have always worked full time until being made redundant before our trip, and still not working as I moved to a small town with not many jobs)
  • he can't be looking after me right now
  • he needs to figure out who he is right now
  • he believes we've been toxic for each other for some time now

he then came over the next day &spoke more which ended with my crying on the stairs & him driving away.

im  devastated & so confused about what happened because I can't get answers & I can't get in contact with him; the person who told me only a week ago he wanted to marry me one day.

as a desperate bid to understand what is happening I made the mistake of logging into his Facebook& saw he was searching for a number ex-flings prior to our relationship  

Friends & family of ours believe this isn't a permanent break up, he will come around, which I somewhat believed before seeing his Facebook, now I'm scared this is for good & it's not just the depression.

i just don't know what to do from here, do I reach out to him to see how he is? Do I wait for him to contact me? I just need closure but I feel so helpless as he wouldn't give me a straight answer.

please help me, I'm desperately seeking guidance

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi HelpBH, welcome here.

Its all subjective, they'll be different opinions. Based on my experience I wouldn't chase. Chasing puts more pressure on him. He isn't unable to contact you, you are there if he wishes to talk...but I suspect he wont.

Some people "flip flop". They seemingly are stable yet then suddenly they flop the other way when they find that maybe they are no longer in love for example. Sadly it comes without warning. I suspect that once he felt this way he just wanted out quickly. Patience and reaching out to you to soften the blow isn't in his mentality at this time and it may never be.

He behaviour is not unlike mine when I was much younger with cars and girls. I was spontaneous, impulsive and unpredictable. But I also had, unbeknown to me, a time limit on many things then all of a sudden I'd turn off. Each time a girl suffered the consequences or with cars my bank balance....or usually more finance loans.

My guess is that you would be far better off cutting your losses and finding a better life with someone more compatible. That sounds harsh I know but you wont cope any better by hanging around with this guy when you wont feel secure and the years will tick by without fulfilment.

Your enemy is time. Only time can heal the wound. Then after some time when you begin to socialise with others a new love will heal it much more. Especially a love that you will feel secure with.

During the "time" period which is happening right now and for some time to come...he will have opportunity to contact you if he has regret and/or his medication or illness has had a lot to do with his actions. In the meantime keep really busy, hobbies, sports, entertainment...

Hope this helped.

Tony WK

Hi Tony,

thank you for your reply - brutal but needs to be said.


a mutual friend(we'll call him J) had seen him(boyfriend, B) out at a pub on Friday night. They got to talking as J had heard what happened, but not in any detail just that it ended. 

J told me B said he does still love me, and can still imagine marrying me one day, but felt our spark had gone in the relationship and he still has life to live. When J asked B if he was moving on, he said it was the last thing on his mind. When J asked B why he said those things then he said it will be easier to be cruel to me so i will be angry at B and move on easier, but the last thing he wants to do is hurt me.


it has been a week since the break up now, I have got a mental health plan, sleeping tablets and seeing a psychologist, I'm really trying to get my life back on track, start eating again and push myself to sleep more even if that means laying there. Hopefully a job comes ASAP. 

 i would love some more insight.

 Thank you 


so given all the information I initially posted, +