- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- ALL ABOUT THE MATES ! They are his priority.
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
ALL ABOUT THE MATES ! They are his priority.
Side note he genuinely doesn't think that he doing anything wrong and asks why I care so much . He never comes to my family events and I go to all of his and he always says we come first but we never actually do. Will he ever grow up or see that he is not spending enough time with his children ? I'm so over him being out every day and me doing all the caring and house work and kids stuff. I work part-time too and he hardly even watches them when I work ....
You translate your frustration so well into words. You've got me feeling seriously frustrated for you.
You have definitely grown up, without a doubt. How many challenges have you gown up or risen up to meet since having your kids? I'm a mum myself so I already know the answer to be 'Countless!' Being a mum is an incredibly maturing and deeply rewarding experience. My 14yo son and 17yo daughter are 2 of my greatest teachers in life which is why I have such a deep respect for them. I tell them that they grow me, up to meet my true potential. When you think of all the joy and challenges you've met through raising your kids, I imagine you'd agree that they're raising you too. Kids are a gift. They also remind us how to live simply, if we're paying attention.
So, the question regarding your partner could be 'Does he want to be raised to meet his full potential through the challenges and joy you and the kids offer or does he want to stay with what's comfortable? Does he feel comfortable with sameness (no change)?' You see where you are the true winner in this scenario; you can see how he hasn't accepted the gift right in front of him. Some folk can't see their own foolishness at times.
The inability to respond consciously equates to not being responsible. You are highly conscious and this comes through in your post. By the way, your kids a truly blessed to have such a conscious mum.
Okay, this is going to come across and pretty straight to the point but my objective is to simplify as much as possible:
- You can really sell the family concept to your partner as though you're selling the best deal ever (one he can't live without). Eg: 'Have you ever tried to see how many times you can make the kids laugh in one day? It's a hell of a lot of fun'. If he has a basic hobby he loves: 'Have you ever thought of meeting the challenge that comes with teaching your kids how to master that hobby?' You get the gist. Manipulate through presenting basic challenges he can rise to, ones that may interest him
- Sounds harsh but if he still won't budge you can focus on raising the kids and having them raise you through the money your partner brings in. He becomes a financial resource regarding you all rising to life's opportunities. Be aware, he may suddenly feel like he's being excluded, seeing that you don't seem that interested in him at a deeper level anymore
- You could rise to the challenge of saving up and leaving to raise each other without him
Keep rising Larlar 🙂
It gets very frustrating at times .Definitely have tried to sell the fun family thing but it's still not to appealing to him.
Refocusing is definitely looking like a good option.
Which makes me feel Abit sad for my little ones as I feel like there missing out on having a dad who is present and there for everything but I guess it has to be him who wants that too .
Maybe it’s time for you to spend more time by yourself.
Can you enlist help from family or friends to help with the children.
You and the kids could even go and spend nights with your side. Have some laughs, or hopefully you can let them know about your problems and be able to talk it through.
Remember how happy you can be when you’re not focusing on your partners complete lack of wanting to be around his family.
Actually seeing you happy too will be more beneficial for the kids, despite having an absent father who chooses to carry on most times like he isn’t anyway.
All my best to 🙂
Ive been around these types of men all my life, I can tell you he isn’t going to grow up within 10 years, more like 20.
This type of irresponsible man wants everything, is primarily selfish and has his world set up all for him. He would get a shake up if you left (or you forced him to leave) then he paid child support (31%of earnings over a certain amount) you got a pension with all the pensioner discounts etc. He wouldn’t have the money to spend with his mates.
It is obvious I get angry with this type of guy, and you are best to focus on your needs, take a stand and tell him that your relationship should be based on what is fair and best for your kids and you- as his priority. Eg he can attend your family gatherings twice a year, go on family picnics and be a more involved dad.
I can say that he won’t conform , maybe for a little while only . Remaining in your relationship purely because he is the father of your children is not a basis of happiness for you. Kids are resilient, they’ll adapt if you leave, you deserve a living committed partner even with kids in tow.
My final suggestion is relationship counseling. If he won’t go, go alone so you can collect ideas.
I wish you all the best.
I have also suggested counciling he said no way .but I should definitely consider going by myself . Thanks so much for your advice .
And the comment above from Tony WK was quite true . He was fantastic for about 2 weeks and has gone back to doing what he wants when he wants. Worse is I feel he may have told his friends we broke up and that he is now telling them he is staying on my coach because ( in short version) I'm the best option of a bad lot. It's very upsetting and not sure how to forgive that and that he made alot of " younger female friends when gone in that time which does not vibe well with me .... So I'm very stuck and don't no how to manage it all . For my kids having him here is better but he has done some hurtful things on the " break"