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After Infidelity

Phoenix2222
Community Member

I'm in my 50's. My 20 yr marriage was rocked when I discovered last year that my wife had a 12 month affair. It was over when I found out but could easily have started up again given what I read. There were many graphic texts and emails plus some photos. I put and end to the other bloke attempts to re-connect and also exposed him to his wife. He took out an AVO against me which was dismissed in court.

My wife's attitude was that I had brought it on myself. Things had gone bad. The main thing is that I don't blame myself but I can see how my pedantic anxiety ridden personality, grumpiness and critical remarks helped create the landscape where this was possible.

What has been revealed is that I have been a long term depressive. I had become angry and overweight, unhappy with my life. She earns the bulk of the family income but has a drinking problem.

I was hoping and expecting some genuine remorse from her and possibly some counselling to re-ignite the spark and bring us closer. In reality after 18 months she has done nothing. She just can't do it. We had not been intimate in more than 1 year and when we finally were intimate recently she was hardly involved. I gave up and said don't worry about it.

I have been going to the gym, working many more hours (having spent years as Mr Mum and working part time) and tried my hardest to be a better man. The thing is that nothing has changed from her end.

The end result is that I have continued to do counselling on my own and had to completely re-examine my life. I'm still in a world of pain but I keep going. It's tough when you do not feel admired or loved in the way you feel you deserve.

I thought I would post here to get some feed back and maybe some advice. I am still plagued by triggers of her affair and feelings of revenge against this low life who snuck in under the radar and how willing my wife was to be part of it. The humiliation is massive but I keep fighting it.

Anyway thanks for reading. There is a lot to say about this but the main thing is how this incident revealed me to myself. A kind of blessing in disguise for personal growth but an awful lesson. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thanks.

4 Replies 4

Luttes
Community Member

You're a brave man Phoenix. I'm not sure I could forgive my wife if she did that to me(particularly not with the way I'm being treated presently). It is a very strong fear that I have had for many years and I've always despised infidelity. Don't know what sort of advice I'd be able to give - if she's not open to going with you to counselling , then that's not your fault, I can only presume she's afraid of hearing things that she doesn't want to.

Good luck

 

Thanks Luttes,

it's an odd place to be in. A friend of mine was adamant I should walk. But with teenage children and a fat mortgage there is just too much at risk. What I mean is I just don't want to disrupt their world - friends, high school etc.

What is strange is that you just carry on as if all is normal. You are right - she cannot face herself, that is why she avoids counselling and avoids discussion.

Apparently I know a hell of a lot of detail compared to other people in the same situ. But still there are many questions left unanswered. And many of these Q's are about detail. But when I want to discuss it an argument ensues. So you resort to snide comments etc - a valve to release pressure but it also just leads to more problems. So you end up just having to wear what happened and trying to get over it while dreaming about intimacy

Ironically the betrayed becomes the trouble maker.

I had to face up to how weak I had become and how I had been depressed for decades. I just didn't know it - I had been anxious and depressed for a very long time but it was all undiagnosed. The condition runs through my family. A big part of the problem was dependency.

Like my siblings I abuse. From this I developed a pretty weak character. I had some front, I could talk but really I was so frightened inside and. I never spoke my mind and to be honest never really knew my mind, never knew who I was or what I wanted.

This plagued my life and ruined relationships but it is only through this terrible ordeal of betrayal & humiliation that I have finally had to face myself - and that is hard when you are past 50.

Some journey I am on. And really all I want is to know me and to love and receive love. My wife and I get on OK but there is no passion. It would be nice to be desired. Y

You know, it is a massive crushing blow to read steamy explicit words your wife has said to another person (he's not a man - less than scum) which you have never been privy to - not even in 20 years!. Once again thanks for your words.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Phoenix, this is an event that no one in a partnership nor marriage would ever want, but unfortunately it has, and I'm sorry it's not going to improve, as I believe it's only going to become a situation that you wish you weren't in.

This may sound harsh, but she's had an affair for 12 months and it's going to stop there, even if she doesn't reignite with her girlfriend, someone else will come along, that's if I'm reading your post correctly, or it maybe just having a go at him.

Your wife is not going to tolerate the comments you make, which I understand that you want answers, and that's what you deserve, but she won't give you any, and this will come to a head, which makes me believe that she could walk out.

I know that you have a big debt, but you need to think about you you can do, and do this by yourself.

Remember that you did nothing about your depression for all those years, so what I am suggesting is that the same doesn't happen in regards to the future.

If she earns the bulk of the money then maybe she could buy your half, so that's one possibility, another could be that you move not that far away so your kids can still go to the same school, because there's going to be some time down the track that will be crunch time, sorry Geoff.

 

Thanks Geoff, just to clarify my wife was seeing a male - it's just that I cannot define him as a man. It transpired that he had a few on the go; something which helped bring it to an end I think. I guess my wife thought she might be number one but she was just part of his harem I have concluded.

Also, I rushed my comments and I was trying to write that my siblings and I were abused as children - psychologically and physically, not sexually. But we were treated badly by our father.

Anyway I'm plugging along getting myself established financially and just planning for a future without her. I can't help thinking that it will happen again and that is just too much.