Afraid, anxious and shocked by his behaviour

[cleo1988]

Hello,

I'll do my best to keep this brief.

I ended a relationship with a man (34 Yo) about a month ago, we were together about 5 months - so not that long. I asked for space and said I didn't want to communicate for at least a month. He has been texting me which i've tried to ignore (i feel bad by ignoring his tests or anyones for that matter). I ended our relationship because I felt he was very draining - he has a history of drug addiction, ADHD and some other very intense traumatic experiences. I was tired and needed to put myself first.

He's told me today in a message that he is moving to where i work, literally 500m down the road. I am so shocked and frightened by his behaviour in doing this. I am afraid that he will come to my work and look for my car etc.

He used to say "if you leave me I'll find you" and I always felt this was a joke, but i'm frightened. And anxious. I know I'll be anxious when I am at work - and be on the lookout for him.

I haven't replied and I don't know what to do. He constantly says he misses me, wants to see me and thinks of me all the time.

I need help, I feel pretty isolated and I'd love a nice man and relationship, but this is shocking to me. I have lost hope -

[monkey_magic]

Hi cleo1988,

I would call the domestic violence line 1800 respect to get some advice. He's intruding on your privacy and making you feel unsafe now.

Saying " if u leave me, I'll find you" sounds scary. He sounds controlling and doesn't know boundaries. The fact that he's now saying he's moving 500 m near your work is concerning. He's not respecting your boundaries at all.

You can always speak to the police and let them know of your situation.

I wouldn't write back to his msgs.

Don't let one bad experience stain the rest of the men out there. As you know everyone is different and I'm sure you'll find much better ones out there.

Please stay safe and keep writing here if u feel it helps. No one should have to go through this alone.

You have our support.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Cleo1988, welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums. It's great to have you join us here. We are so sorry to hear about your situation and can understand why you're feeling shocked and concerned. From what you're saying, it sounds like you are experiencing a form of domestic violence — stalking. Stalking is a crime in all states and territories in Australia. If you think your ex-partner is stalking you, contact your local police — they can help you. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

If ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

Also, It might be helpful to read through the following webpages: 

• Technology-facilitated abuse
• Stalking - Next Steps
• Safety planning

Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
 

[cleo1988]

Thank you for your advice and support. I just feel on edge and a little unsafe.

He called me today, I didn't answer or reply. I am not sure how to manage this - but its making me feel sick with worry. and is making me feel depressed - because i'd love to have children and a family and i feel i should let that dream go and that i'll be alone forever -

i feel bad also for ignoring him but why has he moved so close to me?!

what did i do to deserve this? i feel i need to take ownership slightly, but I am tired

[monkey_magic]

Hi cleo1988,

Thanks for getting back to us.

I'd be feeling exactly the same to be real. In fact I have felt like that when I was in an unhealthy relationship.

Please don't feel bad for ignoring him, you are doing the right thing. Cutting him out of your life is the right thing to do in my opinion.

Do U know for a fact he's moved so close to you or is he just saying that? If he has moved that close I'd go to the police. It's a serious matter.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. Own the lessons you've learnt through this. Unstable people come in many forms and we are not responsible for the way they are, that's on them.

Can U block him?

[cleo1988]

I know he will be moving about about 3 weeks, he has bought an apartment down the road from my work. It has me thinking I will have to change jobs...? And there are not many jobs around at the moment. Additionally it is in an area I have said I have always wanted to live.

I can block him yes. I feel i should do this, as this whole situation is making me so unglued.

[cleo1988]

I've been in tears all day, and it just brings up my feelings of being scared of men. I have been in a situation before where my ex-boyfriend turned up a my work, moved across the country and it just triggers a lot of fear in me.

Additionally it brings up my feelings of being smothered yet also fear of being alone.

To have this situation in my life again causes me huge amounts of pain, trauma and discomfort. And I feel so sad to be here in this space.

[monkey_magic]

Hi cleo1988,

Take your power back honey.
Why should you have to change jobs? You can always take out an order against him so he's not allowed to contact or come near you.

It sounds like the men you've gotten close to in your life have been scary but trust me there are some protective, beautiful, warm men in the world too. Some will bend over backwards to keep you from harm and ensure your safety.

Is there anyone close that can be with you or that you can contact ATM. Peer support can be really helpful ATM.

I really hope you can take some deep breaths and tell yourself that you are loved, protected and safe. Give yourself a hug. You've been through a lot.

If you can I'd suggest giving one of those lines a call that Sophie suggested. A caring, kind voice on the other line can give U some reassurance and feelings of safety.

You don't have to do this by yourself X

[cleo1988]

Thank you Sophie for replying to me, very much appreciated. I did contact the 1800 RESPECT team and they gave me some strong advice.

I was certainly unbalanced today and have been crying and crying. I feel so silly for not seeing the signs before. And also wasting my time on this man.

I feel so alone and so silly. I swore to myself I would never be in a position like this again.

I am hopeful that nothing else will happen and that he doesn't do anything else. But his moving has made me anxious.

I sent him a note to say to not communicate with me at all and i have blocked his number from my phone. And it makes me sad that is has to come to that. What am I doing wrong? What did i miss in the process that allowed him into my life? And what is this all for? What is this supposed to teach me? And what is the lesson?

[cleo1988]

Thank you for your words Monkey.Magic.

In terms of jobs - you're right. This is all just very triggering for me and I have had obsessive men in my life before. I am hopeful after making in clear not to contact me that he abides by this and doesn't;t do anything silly.

You are right, I have not have many men in my life but some of those that have been in my life have indeed had some scariness about the. I would love to have the most caring, loving and protective person in my life as that is what I am...I give and I give until it exhausts me.

I spoke to my friend earlier and my dad came and spoke with me too so that was helpful. I tried to go out for a walk today and all i wanted to do was cry. I just don't want to have to heal from another relationship such as this. It's so painful.

Thank you again for your kind words