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Advice/tips on breaking up and my communication struggles

Community Member

My relationship has terrible communication on both sides but I think I really struggle to open up.
I have been unhappy in my relationship for multiple reasons and I need to talk to partner about it but I just can't. I have been putting it off for ages. I think because I hate confrontation and because I am dreading the consequences of ruining the relationship and our lives. I know couple counselling is an option but I think i am past trying to save the relationship. Everything from the years that I have let go is now piling up.

The thing is he thinks everything is amazing and he is so happy and I am feeling miserable and he doesn't realise. it's so confusing that he is so oblivious to how I feel.

I don't have anyone close to me I can talk to about how I am feeling. No best friend and I feeling l like my mum and sisters would judge me and say I told you so.
We have been together for nearly 6 years. 2 months ago we bought a house and got engaged. I am in so deep and I don't know what the f I am doing. The day after he proposed my grandma passed away. This really messed me up I think because I was meant to be happy but I was so sad. I had to go to work and smile about the engagement news while few people knew my grandma had passed. That was really hard. And I kind of wish I didn't have to do that.

I feel like I may need to see a psychologist or counseller but I have been procrastinating about going to the doc to get advice on what I need. I feel silly asking for a mental health care plan because nothing bad or traumatising has happened to me but I feel like I need some kind of life advice on how to communicate and feel self confident. Do people do that?

Also I have been thinking about how I would talk to him... when he gets home after work I would say everything then give us a week of space.
I don't have any friends or family in this city so I need to get a motel or air BnB which is another stressor for me. After the week I guess I would have to move into a separate room in our house til I can find some where to rent. We have 2 dogs as well, I don't want to split them up but I know I couldn't bear to leave my dog.

I cried in the car on the way to work today. This happens a few times a week. its getting to the point where I just want to run away but I know I can't do that, its just ridiculous.

I am just in a panic and need to vent and maybe need some opinions or tips from people who have been in a similar situation or tips that can help me communicate.

7 Replies 7

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Mushroom1up,

Thanks for posting. I don't have a lot to say but I just wanted to welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I imagine that a few people will come in and offer their advice or experiences in this.

What I can say is that I imagine that this is not an easy task, but it is a worthwhile one. Worthwhile in that you are making hard decisions and having difficult conversations for your (and your partners) future and happiness.

I read a quote the other day and thought it might be helpful to share here -

"Most people seem to believe that if a relationship doesn't last until death, it's a failure. But the only relationship that's truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by it's depth, not by it's length."

I hope that this gives you a little bit of comfort in knowing what is the right decision for you. I also encourage you to go and see your psychologist if this is something you still want to consider. As to your question about being silly - absolutely not. In fact, it's actually preferable that you see one now as often people assume they need to be diagnosed and/or quote "in a very bad place" to see somebody. This is absolutely not true.

I hope that this helps somewhat. Again, I'm sure that more people will contribute to this thread and offer more personal experiences and tips. Feel free to post anytime.

Thank you, your words and the quote are very helpful and comforting. It's a huge decision and I don't want to hurt him but the quote is right - length doesn't = happiness/success

Everyone is different, however if I was your fiance I would want to know. I was in a similar position to you, except I went through with the wedding and it caused even more grief. Things get way more complicated once you get married, then children.....

What helped me was seeing a counsellor. She helped me get my perspective straight, work out my priorities and formulate a plan to express my feelings. I think you would benefit from this. You've been spinning your wheels for a while now. It's not going to hurt taking a little bit of time getting external help with your problems. You don't have to have a mental health plan - it just helps (a little) toward subsidising cost. But don't feel bad about getting one - that's what it's there for, your mental health which includes your happiness.

That was a good quote from Romantic Thief. Don't think too far ahead though. Do things one step at a time - starting with having a chat with your GP, then find a counsellor or similar. All the best

So helpful! Thank you.

i agree he needs to know, and I can't see myself getting married with how I am feeling.. I wouldn't be able to go through with it. It's just a matter of me finally getting the courage to discuss it.

It is overwhelming to think I have to do it all at once, but it's good to know that I can take small steps. Small steps are better than no steps...

Exactly. Nothing is set in stone and all is not lost (whether you remain together or not).

It's easier said than done - but when you feel the fear:

- don't forget to breathe...slow breaths in and out

- repeat to yourself 20 times in the mirror "I CAN HANDLE IT"

You're stronger than you think. Just believe that no matter what happens, you can handle it.

Community Member

Hi there, I'm in a SLIGHTLY similar situation. The relationship was 2 1/2 years, not engaged, only renting a house, 2 dogs (both mine but one of them has a better bond with him) I have been unhappy for a long time and feeling extremely pressured to appreciate what I have. I guess luckily for me he can tell how unhappy I am which has led to an understanding of what is best for both of us and a mutual split.

I hung in there with our relationship for so much longer than I should of because I was scared of hurting him and afraid of what my depression would do to me after we split.

I've just posted on a a thread for advice on the next step (I'm moving in with family tomorrow and will be commuting nearly 2 hours each way to work until I find my own place near work.

I'm nowhere near out of the woods yet, I'm depressed, extremely anxious and nostalgic BUT I know it's what needed to be done for my sake... and every now and then maybe only lasting a matter of seconds or minutes I see a tiny glimmer of hope and feel relieved that I'm in a sense free... I hope that you get the help and advice you need in these forums to take the next step.

Well done on making that hard but important step. I went and found your post and it was helpful to read too. It will be good to have your family nearby, it sounds like they're really supportive. Living by yourself will be hard at first, but you will feel so empowered when you get used to it and you know that you can handle stuff for yourself. This is something i look forward to as well. He often takes control of organising bills and contacting services and i feel quite dependant on him for that. It will be a chance to grow and discover yourself (or myself) I think!

thank you for sharing and all the best. I guess in the early stages it feels so fresh and raw but with time it will heal and you can look back at be so glad that you made that step.