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Advice on what to do
I'm in the process of breaking up with someone. He wants to leave because I have "trust issues", yet he is also leaving his job and the place we live in together!
I admit, I'm not the most trusting person. I'm also not controlling or manipulative. But if I ask him a simple question like "who is that you're chatting to" he just goes off! Like swearing and yelling! Nobody knows about our relationship (been two years), and his facebook says "single", and none of his family or friends know about me. He stores me in his phone book with my initials, yet every other person has their full name.
Sexually everything was fine, until fairly recently. His family are all overseas. At first it was him saying "I'm sick of my job, sick of the travel to get the job". Then he turned on me! The smallest forms of communication seem to result in him blaming him wanting to move out on me not trusting. And to be honest I do have trust issues, but with him, something doesn't add up.
So as it is today, he's still yelling at times, other times we can talk, but anything about him leaving (which he's made it pretty clear he is), and it's war again! He just insults, says cold things, cuts me off, hangs up on me. Then later in the day he just talks normally again. He's applying for jobs in another town and is committed to the fact our relationship can't be fixed. I just feel I'm nothing but an object. He doesn't even appear to be uspet by this, despite having a close and loving relationship.
My mind is running at 100% with all of these things. I'm crying at work every day in places where nobody can see. I just feel completely lost and very hurt.
I acknowledge that I have things to fix, and this trust things is definitely a result from a traumatic upbringing where I learnt not to trust to survive. He (I'm a gay man), told me that he still loves me, but "love isn't enough". I tried to understand what this could possibly mean, but then he said "trust". It needed trust too. Now he will not give the relationship any further opportunity and any attempt to discuss... well arguments.
You are very strong for reaching out about your concerns and I can just imagine how tough this would be as you must feel extremely overwhelmed, mentally drained and trapped. It's not uncommon to feel trapped with someone who has difficulties managing their behaviour.
Wouldn't be interesting if you mirrored his actions. I wonder how he would handle the situation. Please do the right thing for yourself right now and that means that you don't need to deal with his difficulties. Yo are not his mental punching back
You are dealing with someone who may not be able to acknowledge their inappropriate behaviour (for what ever their reason is) and he is taking it out on you by making you feel they way you do - it's controlling and manipulative behaviour.
I want you to know that you are not alone. Please try to see that you are the most important person in your life, because he cannot make you that person right now. Please feel free to speak with BB if you need someone to talk to, as I understand these situation are extremely tough to navigate.
Put yourself first and know that if you need time away from this person, you are very much entitled.
Thank you for your kind words, advice and support.
I know I'm not perfect, but neither is he, yet it seems his actions and behaviours should be overlooked whilst my issues need to be written in capitals, bolded, underlined, & highlighted. In his view, he's nothing to fix at all! I'm the third cog in the problem: 1. work. 2. travel time to work. 3. Me.
He's said that I was the only thing ever keeping him in the area. I now see that getting rid of the relationship is a sure way to solve all life's problems. Well, maybe not, but if that's how he sees it, well.... good luck to him.
I'm riding this wave of feeling reasonable, then crying, then feeling like crap. I've never felt like this before. I might give BB a call today to chat about what I should do. It does hurt that someone can be so hurtful.
"Put yourself first and know that if you need time away from this person, you are very much entitled." - We'll he's the one leaving and it's unhealthy of me to try to convince him to change his plans, particularly when he yells and swears. The main source of pain for me has been trying to get him to sit down and talk about it without going off. But he seems set in his plans and will do anything, and say anything to make sure he gets his way!
It is nice to meet you here.
I'm really sad and sorry to hear that you are dealing with this kind of behaviour and all these personal attacks. It hurts especially when it is from someone we love and it sounds like it's put you in a really difficult position of wanting to take control of the situation, but then feeling like maybe it was your fault.
I think what you said in your recent post, that neither of you are perfect yet it seems to be your issues that are highlighted and bolded, speaks so much truth about the situation. None of us are ever completely faultless in a relationship, but the real problems come out when someone starts getting picked on for being "worse", or even the only problem. It's unfair to you, and untrue about the situation.
From what you've written, it sounds like you've really tried to approach this in a respectful way but he's not really coming to the table. I hope your call to BB was helpful today. Sometimes, it is easier just to take things one day at a time, until we have enough strength to tackle a problem bit by bit.
Let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.
Hello Newworlds, you can be in a loving relationship but that doesn't you're in love with them, simply because what the former means is that it's possible to love someone and care about what happens to them, and yet not love them in a romantic way, however, when he keeps on believing that everything he does or even thinks is absolutely right all the time, then there's a problem.
No one can possibly be right all the time, it's impossible and even a computer can misbehave, but when people believe they are, then any relationship will have problems, you shouldn't have to keep explaining yourself to someone when they don't want to adjust how they think.
If he can't sit down and discuss the situation in a civil manner at any time, then let him go.
Thank you for your kind words of advice 🙂
Totally how I feel. I've left the offer on the table to communicate, and if he can't, then it's goodbye. I eventually lost the energy trying to work things out.
Take care and thank you for taking the time to provide this timely advice!
Thanks James. I really appreciate you taking the time to write. You've really helped me move forward (as has everyone here). I'm totally surprised at how generous people are with their time to help others. Thank you all.
As for the situation, I'm doing a lot better since I simply stopped trying to work it out. I have offered respectful communication. If he can't come to the party with that, then I'm left with no other option but to say goodbye. It's for my wellbeing (and maybe his even though he may not realise it until a little later down the track).
Take care James. Thank you again.
Good on you. I'm sad to hear that you had to just leave the offer on the table because he wasn't putting as much in, but it sounds like that was the best choice.
Take care and we are always here if you need any support.