Advice needed on lying

[Lifeisajourney]

I need some advice please regarding lying. 

I have very strong beliefs that you should not lie in a relationship 

i have been with my partner for almost 2 years. 

He lies to me and I have caught him out and he says he will not do it again. He lied to me about a girls number and smoking. 

I love him and want to be with him and currently trying to work on things. 

I can't trust him and find it hard believing him, how do I begin to do this again and fix things ? 

Is it worth it 

this hurts so bad 

[blondguy]

Hi Lifeisajounrey

A Big Welcome to the BB Forums

It is sad that you have found your partner telling lies to you.

Its only my very humble opinion Life but if your partner is telling you lies about a girls number he needs to answer for it. I see that he says he will not do it again. That is huge positive.

However, the old saying about 'Three Strikes and You are Out' may work for you. If he knows that he has only 3 strikes and he already used one...he only has 2 strikes left. If you think it is a good idea put him on notice that he has 2 strikes remaining....

Smoking....Life...smoking is an awful addiction. If your partner is smoking let him smoke outside. If he wishes to harm his health...thats his business. It is still a legal (but very addictive) product that is allowed to be sold to people over the age of 18.

There is no beginning again Life...Its giving your partner another chance to earn your trust again..You have a kind and strong heart by posting. Having another girls phone number isnt a good sign...but I do hope he sees the light so to speak and doesnt repeat his mistake.

The phone number he had seems to be the priority here. The smoking is a secondary issue. Its still legal.

Be Gentle to Yourself Life...We are here for you 🙂

Paul

[JessF]

Trust... when it's broken, it's very hard to get it back.

But Life, I'm not sure we have enough information here. You've mentioned a girl's number and smoking, in the same breath, as if both things are as bad as each other. 

There is a world of difference between having someone's number, and having an affair, which I think is what you are implying.

It may be worth considering why your partner is lying to you in the first place, even about something as trivial as smoking.  It could be that he fears such a negative reaction from you that it's easier to keep shtum than endure the drama.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Lifeisajourney

I agree with Jess. A little more information about this girl's number would be good. And agree with Jess in considering why he's lying. I tended to more "withhold information" historically from my partners because I feared a very negative response/conflict/anger/argument. Ultimately it's still lying. I realise only now that this is harmful in the long term because it erodes trust in relationships. So this is probably something he has done for a very long time (probably stems from his childhood as a method of coping with various anxieties). I'd just be open about it and say that you expect him to tell the truth in your relationship - I think it's a good boundary to have. Smoking is very addictive and if he's not committed to quitting he's just going to keep on doing it. It depends if your willing to make it a deal breaker or not. Now the "girl's number" is a different kettle of fish. Need more information on this one...

 I'm nowhere near perfect and I guess that's why I'm commenting, because from what I've learned so far is that you can't change your partner/spouse no matter how hard you try. You can change yourself for the better regardless of your other half. Be as awesome as you can.