Adopted by a family member

[Stephjacobs]

So my mum died when I was younger and my dad isn't present in my life. I now live with my auntie and uncle, brother and three cousins who are 6, 9 and 11. I'm moved in at the beginning of this year. I love my life and I have everything I could ever have wished for. I have a great social life but something isn't right. Whenever my cousins look through old photos of them before we came to live here, I can't help but feel like my brother and I have intruded. even though they adopted us I feel like we've ruined their lives because they had plans to renovate the other end of the house where our bedrooms are and they had plans for holidays which were cancelled because of The cost of accomodating 7 people. What do I do? I know if I tell them they'll deny it but I have an overwhelming sense of guilt because I know they would be happier without us even if they don't show it

[Zeal]

Hey Steph,

I replied to your other thread, so hopefully that response is helpful 🙂

I am sorry to hear about your Mum, and that your Dad isn't able to support you. It's great that you and your brother have been welcomed into this new family unit. Living with six others would be busy, but it sounds as though the household is a happy and supportive one. Reading that you love your life made me smile. That is one of the best things someone can say!

Unfortunately, you feel conflicted and guilty despite this happiness. You deserve to be part of this family, and your Uncle, Aunty and cousins wouldn't have adopted you if they didn't care for you and your brother. While aspects of their lives have changed as a result, this isn't a bad thing. Also, the renovation and holiday could still happen in the future, if enough money is saved up. Perhaps your Aunty and Uncle will decide on an alternative holiday that is more affordable.

The anxiety would definitely play a part in this feeling of guilt and unease, so seeing someone about this is the best way forward. Talking to your Aunty or Uncle about the anxiety is a good idea, so that they are aware of it.

I hope that with support you will be able to live happily with your big family 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[littledove]

Hi Steph.

You sound like a very kind and considerate person.

I have four children aged 10,9, 6 and 6. One of my 6 year olds is my my great nephew but we regard him as son/brother. We love him to bits. He is part of our family and none of us for one second wish he wasn't here. Quite the opposite - couldn't live without him.

When he came to live with us he was one week old. We were planning on going on a holiday to Fiji. Never went. No one ever mentions it though. Honestly - we so don't care.

So many times over the years I have had people say to me you are such a good person for taking him in etc etc. Pfffttt. Rubbish. He is a blessing. A gift to our family. We are lucky to have him not the other way round.

Based upon what you have described I'd bet London to a housebrick that your aunt, uncle and cousins feel exactly the same. Let them love and take care of you. The love you give back will be repayment to the power of infinity.

I have a feeling that you know this deep down but still feel guilty. Please don't. You are a blessing and gift to them.

You have had a tough time losing your mum so young and probably these feelings are intertwined.

Reaching out and chatting to others is a really smart and helpful thing to do. See if you are able to get a bit more help from a professional. Maybe your GP can assist you in setting that up.

Love to hear from you again.