Acknowledging that I deserve better but still miss him sometimes

[PsychedelicFur]

I left him ten months into our relationship because I came to terms with the fact that I do definitely deserve better. Throughout the duration of the relationship it was quite psychologically and emotionally abusive.. as well as quite mentally draining and exhausting.

However, with saying that though - Sometimes I miss the memories we shared together - the fond times, the lovely times.. the mesmerising memories. The Honeymoon, Love Bombing phase!

I am fully and completely aware of a thing called a ‘trauma bond’ And when I think of our fond times in the relationship I genuinely try to bring myself back to reality. Where I can think far more rationally and remind myself that I DESERVE BETTER. Because I do. I was with him for about ten months. I have not contacted him for at least seven months. And he has been blocked for a similar amount of time too. I understand that the negativity he carries within him cannot and will not enrich my life.

So insecure, he was. He would project his insecurities onto me and consequently as a result I am now left with quite severe body dysmorphic disorder.. where I am practically housebound and most days I refuse to leave the home. And I am severely introverted.. so social gatherings completely amplify my anxiety and terrify me so much.

That’s beside the point though.. what I am trying to say here is that he would psychologically abuse me to the point of me having a few breakdowns.. one of which I had to go into hospital and they gave me Valium to calm down. Meanwhile, as I was in hospital he would proceed to remind me of how much of a ‘horrible’ and ‘pathetic’ person I was just because I asked him that I wanted more support.

DEEP DOWN I am completely aware of the fact I definitely deserve so much better. I just hope one day I don’t have times where I miss the good times and nice things we did together. I don’t like trauma bonds at all. These trauma bonds truly are debilitating and intense.

PF.

[Sophia16]

Hey,

Thank you for sharing. I just want to say, you did the right thing by leaving him. Yes it can be so intense and the thought will never leave you but it will eventually all go away.

The thing about toxic relationships is you start to miss them and forget about the negative things that happened. It is going to take time to get over a 10-month relationship so patience is the key. It may even take up to 5 years.

You will find someone who will love and respect all of you.

Chat more if you need 🙂

[Juliet_84]

Hi Psychedelic fur,

I completely understand where you are coming from. Often people not in abusive relationships ask “why didn’t she just leave” and it really isn’t as simple as that. The problem with abusive relationships is they sneak up on you. You go through all the usual stages of falling in love, probably even more intensely due to the love bombing stage. You often believe that you have found your soul mate because they are so adept at mirroring to you exactly what you need. But then slowly over time the criticisms and put downs start to creep in. You love this person so you want to make them happy, try not to trigger them but the goal posts keep shifting. And then more love bombing. And so you’ll do anything for the hurt to stop and your loving partner to return. If it was all bad then people would have no problem leaving their abuser, but there were good times and you are entitled to grieve the end of your relationship and the hopes you had for it. But the sad fact remains that abuse escalates over time. You were already given body dysmorphia and had a few breakdowns after 10 months, imagine what ten years of it would do to you. You sound as though you know that your decision was the right one, but it will take some time to recover from so please be gentle with yourself until then. I think you are entitled to miss the good times but just remind yourself of the bad times too sometimes so you don’t romanticise the past. I’m proud of you for leaving and taking your power back. It is a weak individual who needs to tear others down to make himself feel better

[batticus]

Hi PF
I hear you. It's been a month since I left a 5 1/2 year long toxic relationship. I too know that I deserved better. Subsequent research on my part confirms I was in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies. It was a continual cycle of agitation, emotional abuse, love bombing, and usually- me apologising for causing her such unhappiness.

I'm sure you can relate, but when you're with someone like that, you are always treading on egg-shells.

I look back and find for every nice time we had, there were probably 5-10 bad times. Even despite that, I miss her so much. When she would love-bomb me, it was beyond intoxicating. She made me feel absolutely incredible. It was like a drug.

The covert nature of this kind of abuse is hard to reconcile. In my case, sometimes there wasn't yelling or anything like that, but subtle put-downs or criticisms that made sure I was in a position of weakness compared to her. She always had the high ground. To an outsider looking in, they might not even see what's going on as abuse. I'm a professional musician- I've been told off for "not looking at her enough" at gigs. Likewise, I've been told off for "looking at someone else (another female presumably) too much at a gig". I don't even know who she was talking about. They're subtle jabs, designed to make you feel guilty.

At times of course was very obvious abuse where she would be yelling and screaming at me.

I too have had her fears/insecurities projected on me. Before I was with her I was a much more outgoing person. I'm a shell of my former self at the moment.

With all that said, I'm really optimistic as time passes I'll heal. The relationship was like being on a roller coaster, and I think the recovery process is similar. I have good days and really bad days. That said, I'll never go back to her again.

She confronted me at a gig a couple weeks after the break up and I'm so proud to say I held my ground and didn't fall for her empty promises. I've fallen for them so many times before, and for a short while things get better, but she in the end couldn't keep the facade up. She can't change.

Hang in there PF

It's a rough ride but we're going to come out of this as better people. Future relationship are going to be healthier as we know the red flags to look for. I'm in no rush, and happy on my own for the foreseeable future. Just having freedom to be myself again is a blessing.

Batticus