Dear Jlr~
Welcome. I'm probably the last person to talk about separation and marriage breakdowns as I've had the blessings of 2 marriages that have been all one could wish for. I have had other drastic changes in my quite long life so I guess there are some similarities. Perhaps others closer to your situation may see your post.
I guess labels and expectations have a lot to do with it. One would expect, after 20 years of unhappiness then release would be pure relief and freedom. Maybe, but maybe also feelings could still be a little mixed.
I left a situation that was bad for me, and I knew it, however when I left it, or rather it left me, I was both relived and happy at the ending, and sad and missing it too. I guess nothing is clear cut like the movies, especially humans and their emotions.
I can quite imagine you had mixed feelings about your leaving your marriage. I don't know the circumstances so can only hazard guesses, Relief? Guilt? Hope? Similarly I can imagine mixed feelings about an ex-partner of 20 years when that person is with another, happiness for him? Jealousy? Bitterness it could not have been you?
All I'm saying is its natural to feel several different ways about the same person or event, and not something you can always sort out into neat logical boxes - that's being human.
With your adult kids, yes it is hard when they are far away and interacting with their dad - which is as it should be - but also with this new live in partner. So happiness that they are well and have no hassles in their dad's household , but also most natural jealousy that they are there with them, and you are remote.
May I suggest you think, going back a little in time, maybe near to 5 years ago, what you would have wanted for your ex-husband? A new happy relationship for him perhaps? Again I don't know the circumstances so I'm guessing once more. And for your children? A continuance of their relationship with their dad? Without step-mother (or de-facto step-mother) problems?
Grieving you do not see your kids often due to distance is straightforward, I'd think. Technology can help to some extent with internet, Skype and so on.
What's left?
my partner of the last 5 yrs is a beautiful soul, friend and lover
My life, like just about everyone, has been a mixed bag, and in many way's I've been most fortunate. You do have blessings in with all else.
My best wishes
Croix
