Abusive sister

[Meaning1]

Hi there, am new to this forum and this is my first post. I’m 46, male, professional and have several older siblings (all female). Over the last 20 or so years, I’ve had a very difficult relationship with one of my siblings - specifically when I want to discuss something of importance (eg her contributing to my elderly fathers expenses) or even politely declining a request to do something for her or comply in some way- is met with one of two responses and that is aggression (usually over text messages, or hanging up during a phone conversation) to ghosting or completely ignoring me altogether, at times for months on end. After taking several months off from the relationship, I reached out and told her why I had not been in contact (for the above stated reasons) and suggested that the only way forward for me would be to attend one or more counselling sessions together, which I would gladly pay for. Her response to this was something along the lines of - we are both adults and surely can work it out without a psychologist. That my feelings deserve to be validated etc etc and she’s happy to meet for a coffee. The issue I have is that we have tried this before and nary do I receive any acknowledgement from her that she has done the wrong thing or behaved inappropriately. Essentially she is self righteous and rarely apologies for anything she may or may not have done. I told her that we’ve tried doing this without help before and it hasn’t worked so unfortunately for me having a psychologist or mediator was the only way forward and to let me know if she changes her mind. Her response was “well, we will just have to agree to disagree.. let me know if you change your mind”. I think her response says it all and proves my point that coming to any kind of resolution is impossible without some “help”. I don’t intend to respond now. It’s her bday next week and I don’t intend on contacting her. I find her to be mean and quite vindictive.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Meaning1,

Welcome to our very supportive forums. It takes considerable strength and courage to post about deeply personal things that are confusing.

We are glad to note that you understand the importance of seeing a counsellor to help guide you through difficult situations. Unfortunately, there is often a perception that, if someone goes to see a counsellor, it means they are admitting that they have a relly bad problem which they should be able to resolve for themselves, and if they can't, it means they are a failure.

Fortunately, there is another solution which meny people are not so threatened by. We would like to suggest you could consider asking your sister if she would be willing to go with you to discuss things that you are finding difficult to talk about with a mediator. We understand that NMAS Mediators are fully trained and certified in Australia.

We are pleased that you are joining our wonderful community.

Warm regards,

Sophie m.
 

[geoff]

Hello Meaning1, you have described an awkward situation with your sister, who only seems to want to have the last say and then dominate what she feels needs to be done.

Even if she did agree in seeing a psychologist the end result may not be to her liking and then cease from continuing, so the suggestion is good but probably not likely to happen because the discussion may not favour her.

Contributing to your father's expenses is an important issue and you may need to gain some legal advice on this.

Is the end result possible to bypass your sister and get the decision you want.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Meaning1]

Hi Geoff, what I want is to have a civil relationship with an adult who takes responsibility and is accountable for her behavior and actions. Unfortunately, there is no way to bypass this.

[geoff]

Hello Meaning1, after all this time I'm sorry and even if she does make contact, you will have to decide whether or not you can trust her.

Geoff.

[Cakecake]

I have similar issues with my sister, she is completely insightless into herself on this subject. I have accepted that she never will have insight and I just avoid situations where we have to make important decisions together. Of course this can’t be avoided entirely and these occasions can be very tense and usually she gets her way. Don’t ignore her birthday or you will be the bad guy, don’t do anything objectively wrong or she could use this against you. Just try to focus on the good aspects of the relationship, there’s probably a lot of value in it.