A year on and a rocky relationship

[millsandboon]

Hi!

I'm a depression, anxiety, OCD and agoraphobia survivor!

12 months ago I gave birth to the most precious gift..she is the light of my life and I would do anything for her.

My relationship however is another story. Although he stuck by me through my hard times (which I am forever grateful for) there is a part of me that has always believed some of his behaviours back then were partly responsible for the headspace I ended up in. This last year being new parents we have had our ups and downs, some days (when we argue etc) it feels as though there are more downs than ups. We don't fight fair, well I try to but he seems to be getting more manipulative, aggressive and deflecting. We can never have a conversation about our relationship where he answers a question directly, it's always answered with another question or him making some smart remark like "okay, I'm just the asshole"

Our most recent argument is about a friend of his. This friend and his long time girlfriend split up just over a year ago and he is now back home with his parents...although he has at times featured heavily in our lives, he still seems to struggle with the concept that we are a family. This argument was about this friends birthday (which is coming up) he mentioned months ago about wanting to go to some gig, my partner and I spoke about it and decided that as I breastfeed and my partner cannot get our daughter to sleep, therefore I don't have the opportunities to be child free etc, that until such time as she is weened and able to sleep no matter who puts her to bed it would not be "fair" for him to go out as I don't get to do similar things. Now this isn't a one time thing, he has been out nights and lunches etc, nights where I have had pick him up drunk with baby in tow...so I'm not just being unreasonable. My partner has also said he doesn't really want to go as the gig isn't really his scene and up until a couple of days ago he wasn't going but as this friend was "dropped" by others last minute he has now decided that he is going. He never mentioned to this friend months ago what we had spoken about and agreed upon together (and the gig has been mentioned several times since) in his words he "never thought he'd have to go, so there was no point" but now I'm the bad one for calling him out on giving me his word and then taking it back because his friend wants to go out. He often says to me I should have known what being a mother was going to be like..what to do or say?

xxx

[PatT]

Hi Millsandboon,

It sounds like you guys are in the midst of a combination of things associated with a baby's first year of life - sleepless nights, heightened tensions, frequent clashes over small things, negotiations over who can do what and when. Typically, most of the burden of care-taking always falls on the mum (however unfair it may feel) but it does sound like he is being a bit selfish and his changes in behaviour sound like some resentment towards you and the baby. It's not an unnatural thing by any means; just a response to a large and forced change in lifestyle and priorities.

But maybe this is something you should have let go? I know it seems unfair because while he's going out galavanting with his mates you're homebound with the baby but this seems like an important relationship to him and it sounds like his friend needs him. However, it also sounds like he needs to respect the decision the two of you have made for the most part. You shouldn't have to be driving around picking him up drunk while you're trying to take care of your daughter.