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9 year anniversary is coming up but I have strong feelings for someone else

porkchopsss
Community Member

I'm in a long term relationship and engaged since 2020. She is also my first girlfriend.

However, I started having feelings for someone that I met before my partner since April 2021.

I had expressed my "problem" in October 2021, however, my partner was not very supportive and said that it is my fault that my feelings have changed. I attempted to break up 3 times since then, they were all unsuccessful.

Since the start of the year, we have been going to counseulling, but I have not expressed how I truly feel about this other person as she told me I like her as a friend. I believe she is in denial.

After 1 session together abd 1 session individually each, I feel as if she has changed the way she responds to our problems, she has become more understanding but I am still having issues with my feelings for this other girl.

My counseuler suggested that I cut off this other girl and I did. It has been 2 months since we have spoken properly/met up, I still thinkg/dream of her.

I burst out in tears maybe twice a week, thinking, I have always been in charge of my life in terms of work and relationships with others, but I am not right now. It kills me inside that I am not doing anything about it and I have told myself I need to do it, but nothing ever gets done.

Everytime I think of what I want to do, I worry about my partner more than myself. I have never dealth with my feelings in the past and now I am, I do not know how to take care of myself.

I feel so lost. I have no interest in going out, catching up with friends, work. I want to do nothing on a daily basis and hoping this pain will just go away.

What do I do....

20 Replies 20

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Porkchopsss~

I guess I've already said most of what I can, though I would not think one can devote one's life to another becuse society thinks it is a good idea, or if it means saddling that person with a version of yourself who is permanently sad. I'd imagine that might lead to resentment on both sides.

You are really the only one who can say if sadness would be permanent, also if your friend would really love you if you to go to her.

What I can say is words matter, if I say "This is what I want" that can perhaps be seen as being selfish. If one says "This is what I need" then that puts a different complexion on things. Would you agree?

Croix

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Porkchopsss, you can't compare a relationship where you have been engaged to a person for 9 years, than to a person that makes you feel like you're in a 'honeymoon period', whether it's an imaginary feeling or not, because if you begin to have a relationship with this other person then the honeymoon period will eventually end, and then be in the same position as you are now.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi porkchopsss

The point Geoff raises is a valid one when it comes to whether you're looking for that honey moon period feeling again. Such a feeling is definitely incredible fuel for the mind, body and soul. To be excited by the mere thought of a person is a truly sensational experience. Coming up to my 20th wedding anniversary, I've remained in a monogamous relationship for quite some time. Questioning the feelings I've experienced over time, some good and some not so good, I can say a long term committed relationship definitely offers it's challenges, especially when it comes to feelings. 'What am I feeling? Why am I feeling the relationship this way? What are my feelings telling me?' are a handful of the many questions I've come to carefully study in the last couple of years or so. Up until then there was quite a bit of suppression, so as not to rock the boat too much. Not a great way to live. The 'waking up' process can definitely be a challenging one, as it can generate a lot of what most people would regard as negative emotions. More constructively put, in my opinion, I'd regard them as 'red flag' emotions. They point to what needs work.

While missing the honeymoon period and longing to experience it again is one thing, it's quite another to question whether it's time to leave a toxic relationship. It doesn't matter how long we've been in the relationship for (9 weeks, 9 months, 9 years or 20), if it's toxic, it's toxic. 'Can the toxicity be worked out of the relationship?' is another question. If it's in the nature of either person to not want to change because they don't see anything wrong with the relationship, based on the fact it serves them beautifully, that's a red flag. The fact that your partner is open to exploring what progressive forms of growth and change are required of her for the sake of the relationship is an open minded approach on her part.

I can say that every time I've been tested through the challenges that come with the constructive growth of marriage, on the new level up I've experienced the honeymoon period again. Reaching a new level is exciting for the mind, body and soul. It's energising but if the changes don't last you can feel yourself falling back into sameness. It's a depressing feeling and, again, no way to live, especially if it's a reoccurring predictable pattern.

In my opinion, I think we can only stay with a person who is in it partly for the experience of personal and mutual evolution.

Hi all,

Thanks for getting back to me.

The other girl has started to ignore me. I am not sure why.

Her and my colleagues came over to my place for a housewarming, things just seemed a bit odd since then. I feel as if I lost a friend.

My partner has opened up even more to talk about my feelings. Not just about us but about me and the other person.

I know what I have to do now. Think about whether I still want to be in this relationship and work it out with my partner or have to be cruel to be kind.

I know I sound ultra screwed up consider what my situation is.

But I guess I really need to work out what I really need for myself.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Porkchopsss~

You said "The other girl has started to ignore me. I am not sure why"

It may be either the opportunity was never there or the other person has changed their mind.

I would think that one of the most important things in a long term relationship is the ability to talk things out with the other person. Frankness laced with kindness (never saying anything cruel) does allow a relationship to continue and ride over problems.

As a result if you are serious about this other person might it be a good time to have a frank word with them about how you feel. That should take the doubt out of her intentions straight away.

Geoff is quite right, there is most often a honeymoon period with a new person, and sometimes that may be the only thing one can see.

I wish you wisdom and luck

Croix

I won't lie, but I think Geoff is right about the honeymoon period.

My partner and I have been communicating a lot more about our feelings to each other, whether about us or the other person. But I feel I might be causng her pain when I talk to her about someone else.

@Croix, when you mentioned "As a result if you are serious about this other person might it be a good time to have a frank word with them about how you feel. That should take the doubt out of her intentions straight away."

Wouldn't I be overstepping consider I am still in a relationship?

The last thing I want to do is cause more pain for anyone else.

I would love to know of your thoughts.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Porkchopsss~

I guess if I understand you correctly you have been thinking of leaving one relationship because you are attracted to another person - and that you hope to form a new relationship with that person.

If I've got that wrong my apologies - please let me know

OK assuming that is the case I would think it sensible ot find out what that other person thinks about the move. Perhaps you will be met with enthusiasm, perhaps with indifference, or even hostility. As far as I can see that will not only let you know if leaving for her is a possibility, but also if she is the sort of person with whom you can have serious discussions and live with, in other words get to know her

The only other alternative if you do leave is to be prepared to find yourself alone if you are rejected.

I agree this may seem a cold-blooded and even disloyal way of doing things, however it still comes back to what you value most in your life. If you do not intend ot move then do nothing, if you do intend to then find out if it is practical.

As you very often talk of your concern about hurting you partner I wonder if leaving is really what you want. Are there aspects of your existing relationship that don't at present meet your needs, but have the possibility of being improved over time? Particularly as you and your partner are able ot talk about things.

I hope that makes my previos suggestion clearer - what do you think?

Croix

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Porkchopsss, you can't expect a distance relationship with this other girl to turn out to be perfect, when you're day-dreaming and your infatuation is dominating your mind because although you may be keen on her, you don't know how the two of you are going to get on and whether you would click with her friends and what she normally does every day.

If the possibility does come up and you have a discussion with her, you can't immediately say to yourself 'that's exactly what I like', it's different talking about something rather than living with a person, there are so many other denominations that come into effect, that weren't expected.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks Croix and Geoff,

When you mentioned "you can't expect a distance relationship with this other girl to turn out to be perfect". I really thought about that hard. If one cannot communicate or attempt to communicate, can't image what is ahead.

And yes fantasies are different to real life.

"OK assuming that is the case I would think it sensible ot find out what that other person thinks about the move. Perhaps you will be met with enthusiasm, perhaps with indifference, or even hostility. As far as I can see that will not only let you know if leaving for her is a possibility, but also if she is the sort of person with whom you can have serious discussions and live with, in other words get to know her"

The other person has been aware of my situation as we often talk about what is happening with our lives (I do feel somestimes just me, becuase she finds it hard to open up herself). She is one of the few people that have encouraged to do what I feel is right instead of being "obligated" to stick around with my partner. That is why I greatly appreciate her as she has shown me a different aspect in life.

The sudden change that she has started to distant me has confused the crap out of me. But I am not her, and I have learnt not to guess but ask what is wrong.

I did and I got ignored. This leaves me to work out what I really want in life, or do I want to stay in my current relationship or do I want to do something about it.

I have spoken to my partner and we agreed to try, I told her I cannot promise her anything but the least I can do is try.

Please let me know of your thoughts, I really enjoy and appreciate this mature conversation....

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Porkchopsss~

I guess as things change so do peole. At the start the other person did encourage you to find what you needed and go for it. Maybe it is now sinking in that this puts her in a different position. I'd not find being ignored a hopeful sign, then neither would the fact you have laid out how you have felt in the past she has not done the same but was be more reticent about herself. No good communication.

It looks, from the outside at least, that you have made a decision - to try to remain with your partner and see what can be done. As you are able to talk with her this sounds as if it could be hopeful. You may end up enjoying it.

I would like to mention one thing, and that is saying 'No promises' is probably not very meaningful. It is not a free pass to get out whenever you feel like it as saying you wish to stay and try would, to me at least, be a sort of promise. By remaining you are taking on a responsibility, i.e. another's feelings and welfare. Does that make sense or do you think I'm being too serious?

Croix