5 and a half year relationship over

[Littlebluescent]

Hi,

Yesterday my partner of 5 and a half years broke up with me. In the last month or so, he has been going through depression. Last week we made the decision to live separately but still be together while we find ourselves again.

I moved out last Thursday and since then he had been a bit distant from me. I thought maybe we would be ok a week or 2 from now, but yesterday he told me that he didn't miss me and that he doesn't see an 'us' anymore.

He said he didn't want to drag me down while he sorts himself out. To be honest, I would be there by his side to help him get through it. If he needed more time away from me, I would give him that time.

Now it just feels like a part of me is missing. Part of me wants to fight for him but part of me knows that it would probably be better if I didn't.

I have been having trouble eating, I can t think straight. I've been feeling anxious. I want him to be happy. I also want to be by his side.

He doesn't want me to contact him or see him. I feel a little lost.

I know in due time, I will be ok, but I'm worried he made this decision because of his depression.

[JessF]

Hello Littlebluescent, I'm sorry you are feeling so lost and anxious at the moment. Five and a half years is a long time and it must feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, I know it has felt like that for me when a relationship has ended.

If you have a look through the posts here, you will find this scenario is not an uncommon one. When a relationship ends, and one party doesn't want it to be over, I think we can sometimes look for reasons for it not to be true, and "depression" is one that comes up. There are a couple of problems with this:

1. It presumes that a person is not capable of making decisions about their life if they suffer from depression. If this is a condition he has lived with all his life, then his depression would also have been a factor at the time you got together. Saying he broke off the relationship because of depression is the same as saying he got into the relationship because of depression.

2. The depression may be situational, in that he is unhappy with where his life is at and he feels it is time to move on. The fact that he seems to be wanting to distance himself from you and have no further contact would suggest that this may sadly be the case. It's heartbreaking to hear this, but things like this rarely come out of the blue, and I would suggest this is just the tip of the iceberg and he has been mulling this over for some time.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I feel it's important you concentrate on your own wellbeing at this time rather than worrying about his; he has made a decision. Saying he doesn't want to 'drag you down' is a platitude designed to take away some of the guilt he feels at ending the relationship (in my view).

Have you got good friends and family around to support you at this time?

[kanga_brumby]

Littlebluescent talking as a bloke. Sometimes much as I know it's better to talk thing through with a true friend/ lover. some times I just want to be left to my own devices. Even if I still want that person in my life further. I just need space, to get my head in a place where I am comfortable again with them in my life. It's not necessary them but me, They or you are not the problem. All you need to do is just give him space. With any luck he will be back with you in a few weeks. Or a month or two. Depending on what he is dwelling on.

Hope things work out for you realy soon.

Kanga

[Hseil]

I am going through something so similar! My partner and I broke up last Thursday, been together for 8 years! And again, we love each other but it's purely because of his depression!

I feel all your pain pain right now! I'm with you x

[geoff]

hello Littlebluescent, being in love for 5 years seems as though everything is perfect, but when a decision is made to get married it then raises the question that it will be forever, well that's what marriage is, however it scares people away from wanting to get married, because it seems as though you will live both your lives together until you're 95 years old, so it does have an impact of not wanting this to happen, so perhaps that's how he feels, a commitment he may not be ready for.
It's different than living together because this could be broken off at any time, whereas a marriage it's much more complicated, you have to decide who gets what and what percentage one of you gets, compared to the other person, plus kids maybe involved as well as the family dog.
He may have made this decision because he is depressed, but that still isn't sure of why, maybe if you postpone the marriage he may then contact you, and if this does happen then he is scared of getting married.
Give him some time away even though it's not what you want, but what has happened is something that you need to keep in mind. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Dear Littlebluescent. It could be your partner simply has a case of 'cold feet'. Living together is often considered more 'safe' as, if the relationship goes 'pear-shaped', divorce and other legal issues don't enter into parting. There are many couples today who live together for years quite happily, then they sometimes get outside pressure to 'tie the knot', they do and can't make it work. I'm not suggesting this in your case, but if you have friends who fall into this category, this could easily scare him away. Only he knows where he is emotionally and he may be trying, as he said, to sort things out in his head. If he does return, try to avoid any suggestion of marriage unless he wants to discuss it. If you have any friends/family you can talk to, it would be helpful for you. Being alone while you feel so down is not healthy as you need to be with people who understand you.

Lynda

[Littlebluescent]

Hey guys, thanks for your response.

His depression has only come about in the last month. He did tell me he didn't want to speak to anyone and just wanted to be by himself. He didn't even want to be around his family.

Last night I spoke to headspace Webchat and it helped quite a bit. I'm feeling a lot better today.

This has been dwelling on him for the past week or so..

I'm still going through the process of taking my stuff out of the unit but he advised me to only be there when he isn't.

Usually he is very head strong and we have been going through financial difficulties.

Ive accepted the situation and am moving on. I do hope that he does contact me eventually when he is in a better place. But I'm not holding onto hope.

I'm giving him his distance and I only want him to be happy.

Of course I'm still going to think about him but Im also thinking about what's best for him.

Part of me wants to fight for the relationship, but part of me knows that he needs space.

I know that if we just had a break to sort ourselves out, we may have been able to salvage the relationship, but he isn't the type of person that takes breaks. He is either all in or all out.

Only time will tell, but for now I'm going to focus on myself for a while.

[Littlebluescent]

Hi Hseil, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well.

It is heartbreaking to think you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, but then they have a change of heart.