Hi ImplodedSoul
I'm so glad someone has entered into your life in a way that leads you to feel safe; sounds like she could be somewhat of a guiding light.
I've watched a friend of mine navigate the incredible challenges that can go hand in hand with becoming a single parent. Although the split was based on mutual agreement between her and her husband, about 4 years ago, what followed involved some mentally and emotionally torturous stuff (including her ex hooking up with a new gal straight away).
I believe my friend's greatest challenge came down to dealing with the process of disappointment. She'd appointed her ex the role of someone who is unselfish as a father, someone who is considerate, mature and conscious of the impact of his actions. Time and time again, he proved himself to be selfish, inconsiderate, immature and oblivious in regard to the impact of his actions. She kept hoping, for the kids' sake, he would change but he didn't. She kept him appointed to these roles even though she faced constant disappointment, on his part.
When someone else rejects certain roles in life, the real challenge we face comes down to how we are going to change or develop. 'What new roles am I willing to take on?' becomes the question. An extreme example: If my ex's new partner is abusive towards my kids, I will appoint myself the role of advocate for my kids, seeing my ex has obviously disappointed herself from this role. Through legal means, I may seek to stop the kids from visiting or I will seek supervised visitation, as long as the new boyfriend is present.
ImplodedSoul, can you think of the roles you've appointed your ex? How well is she filling these roles? With each role that cannot be met by your ex, how can you see yourself adjusting to taking on healthy roles in the process?
I know, all easier said than done. It took my friend a number of years to finally let go of old expectations when it comes to her ex. He fills his new appointment well these days, as someone unreliable and largely absent. My friend and her girls are invested far more in each other these days and far less in disappointment. Re-identifying our self through new positive roles and goals leads us to become someone new.
By the way, do you have family or friends who could occasionally fill the role of babysitter? A caring, trustworthy reliable teenage niece might be looking for a bit of pocket money. It's important you fill the role of 'Someone who receives some free/me time'.
Take care
