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2nd relationship confused
I hope someone can help me out. If you have read my last threads my last relationship ended badly. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive. He wasnt very nice towards the end. I have anxiety and depression so with what he did made things much worse. But during the relationship it I felt like I was on cloud 9. Everything felt perfect and so much emotion and everything felt amazing. He made me feel like I was worthy of everything. He made me, me now I know he was very manipulative because we would fight and say it was my fault and it would be my fault. But when we fought it was the worst hurt ever then we would make up it would be the best. It felt like a rollercoaster like a high after we fought. It felt like the honeymoon phase all the time. We where together for 3byears. Anyway about a yearish after we broke up I found someone and he treats me so well. He isnt perfect and we have had our ups and downs but no one is perfect. I know I love him I know that. I have talked to my therapist about that feeling I had with my ex and I know it wasnt completely healthy. But I am unsure whether or not you are meant to feel that excitement and happiness like I did with my ex. With my now bf I can be myself, happy or sad in front of him without feeling bad, if i am upset at him or want to share my emotions i can without getting blamed or told its my fault. I love spending time with him. I know my anxiety and depression takes over sometimes if I forget to take my meds and that's probably the reason I am wrighting this right now because once it's in my head it wont leave and it just rolls and rolls over and over in my head. So I am trying to figure out that I know I love him but do I love love him. Should I be feeling how I o felt with my ex. That feeling of high and every second of the day I loved him to death and he was my everything without him I felt like nothing Because I dont feel that with my bf now. It feels different. I feel content and happy and just love being with him and cuddling and kissing and everything. Just feels even and get. So I dont know if I am just thinking this way because he was my first relationship and he was abusive and that's all i know I'm very unsure.
I really hope this makes sense, please help me
I can't tell you how you should or shouldn't love, or whether you should stay with your current partner. What I do know is that manipulative people who make us feel like we're on a rollercoaster with them actually do have correlation to addiction with their unpredictable behaviour. I'm going to come back to your post because I'm sure I've come across research on this phenomenon before and I want to see if I can find it to make more sense of what I'm trying to say.
You did the right thing by leaving that first partner, it's not healthy to be in rollercoaster relationships, it sounds like you have a much more healthy and stable relationship with your current partner.
Thank you. Cant wait to here back from you.
Yes I believe my therapist had said something like that before. I feel that it was so addictive being with him because of the high I felt especially after we had a fight he would make up to me. She also said he was gas lightling me alot but I know this relationship is healthy I just feel like something is missing because I domt get that massive high but I know that wasnt healthy so really nothing is missing I'm just not used to a healthy relationship. I think injisy need to be told I'm too where i am I'm not crazy and need to stop over thinking.
I couldn’t find what I was originally thinking of but looked at other various articles about it.
“When someone doesn’t act predictably, our brain might never get used to the behavior, allowing the behavior to register as an exciting novelty rather than toxic” – Well and Good (discussing the concept of The Hedonic Treadmill).
Variable reinforcement is a strong trigger for addiction, much like gambling where the amount of work does not compare to the reward. “The less available something is, the less chance you have of finding it, the more precious it becomes, and the more we lust after it.” – Psychology Today. You can also look up Rat Casino for the study on rats regarding addictive behaviour and risk taking.
“You are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the
anticipation and traumatic bonding surrounding the relationship. Because the relationship is so utterly
unfulfilling, you are left with a constant state of emptiness,
which is temporarily assuaged with each encounter with your object of obsession
(the person).” – Good Therapy.
These could help explain why the good times with a toxic person give an extreme high rather than feeling constant content with them. It’s high-highs and low-lows, not much middle ground or stability. They aren’t reliable, so when they do treat us well we get a super rush of good chemicals that we then are forever chasing to get another hit. Much like a roller coaster or a drug - you can’t get those extreme highs without the extreme lows.
In saying all that, your relationships should be providing you with something. Some form of growth or connection or just something that's enhancing your life. You still need your own life separate to a relationship so you can draw happiness from a variety of sources and feel confident in yourself, rather than relying on a partner to bring all your happiness. A healthy relationship is like a dessert - you don’t need it but it’s lovely to have.
Thank you much for your effort in finding these. It helps so much.
Thanks for reaching out to the forum.
What do you think is making you relate your current boyfriend to your ex?
Thank you for reading my post. I'm sorry but I dont totally understand you question. Are you asking what things do I think are similar between them or why do I think I am feeling this wa yet because they do certain things the same but have a different feeling?
Sorry, my apologies.
What actions have you got in place to help you build a better relationship with your new partner?
Hope you guys don't mind me jumping in here.
I don't understand your questions either Jsua in relation to the original post. Do you think something in their relationship needs to be fixed? I'm curious too.
After responding to this thread I actually had a couple days thinking about someone in my own life who treated me crappy and yet I miss him so much and I had to be the one to cut him off. My life is so much better without him and I still have the urge to maybe unblock him, just see how he's doing sometimes. ARGH no! Bad idea. I've been listening to the song What kind of man by Florence + the machine, it makes me feel less alone.
I now know the red flags and what I wont put up with. My ex was very abusive and i didnt realize till we were apart. Also my ex made me feel as tho I couldn't do anything without him or I was nothing. But with my current bf I feel happy and content. I dont feel like I need to be with him to feel something or feel happy. I may get defensive sometime and have a bit of PTSD from my ex but I can feel myself. Like my real self. I feel that even tho I am a bit shut off or have my walls up but he has made me realize what a healthy relationship looks like. I can now stand up for myself.