20yr drain with toxic MIL

[HisMum]

My husband is from Canada where his mother still lives. He chose to come here to live in Australia when we married. Obviously she was not happy. We did say that maybe down the track we might move back to Canada but financially that’s not been possible. 
We’ve made countless trips back where we’ve gone out of our way to buy nice things, take her on a holiday etc etc & we’ve also paid for her to come her as well. Every single time she’s ruined it by accusing my husband of lying when he said we may move over there, accusing everyone of things that just didn’t happen, bringing up past issues from years back way back to his childhood which was horrific because of

decisions she made. Her other son was dying & she still caused a huge argument about things from the past. I could write a book!  
it’s obviously easy for me to step away from her toxicity as she lives on the other side of the world, but she’s my husband’s mother & despite all she does he loves her & tolerates her outbursts until he can’t.

Over the past years of covid we obviously couldn’t visit but the the several times a week FaceTime continued where she made sure she made him feel even more guilty by making up stories about her health. 

It was decide he would go over by himself (we couldn’t afford for us both to go) to see for himself her apparently declining health. 
When he arrived it was apparent she had once again lied & within 24hrs had started with the accusations of things that never happened. 
He lost his temper & yelled at her but took himself away from the situation going back some time later to a calm mother. 2 days later she starts again, this time accusing him of assaulting her when they previously argued! He knew he had to this time leave & not go back. He didn’t feel safe with his own mother because she’d done this sort of thing to her other son & had him arrested on one occasion. 
After considerably more expense changing his tickets he’s now safe at home but she calls & says she doesn’t remember anything & didn’t even know him when he arrived as she’d had 5 strokes in the past few years, all lies! 
I can so easily walk away but my husband is guilt ridden & I just don’t know how to help him. He can’t just go see her for a visit every Sunday, he’s a world away. Any advice would be so much appreciated. 

[ecomama]

Dear HM, welcome to the forums. 

Ahh the good ole "guilt and shame" trick, a very manipulative person.
As she's probably always been this way, this could trigger some deep childhood issues with him, and now it's continued into adulthood, well this could amplifies these feelings. 
Unless of course he seeks some MH support. 

You've done well to detach your own self to all of this but it's obvious your husband's distress over the escalating behaviours of this toxic person, sadly who's his mom, is upsetting you too. 

Yes, I've known a few people like this. Sadly one was my mother. I've been No Contact since Police took her away decades ago (yes she tried to manipulate them into thinking it was all me, but they saw what she was doing, so yeah). So since then I went and maintained NC. 
This was extremely difficult. Something few people can understand. 
I ended up getting pretty bad depression over losing my entire family (as a result), but honestly in hindsight, I'm grateful I followed through. 
My own family's lives were worth it, at the very least. 

I admire how much you care for your H. 
The thing is that it's really HIS decision about what to do about his own family's relationships. 

He can call 1800RESPECT for some support and ask for a list of Counsellors and / or Psychologists to consider seeing? Even the most highly qualified MH professional can't Counsel their own family. It's too close, but of course your love and support via listening would be important to him atm. 

H may not see it as possible to go NC. 
I've had to go LOW Contact with some people since.
My eldest D, who's finished her Psych degree but is still studying psychology, advised me to clarify my own  boundaries to MYSELF, then the moment any abusive comments are hurled, end the call immediately. 

Wishing you well. I hope you let us know how things are going for you both, 
Love EM

[HisMum]

Thank you Em. I’m so sorry for your difficulties. It’s very hard for me to fathom that a mother could inflict such pain & suffering on their child regardless of how old they are. It’s definitely not my way & I followed the example set by my parents who I know would have literally given up their life to save me from harm. I couldn’t imagine abusing my kids the way women like your mother & my husbands mother did. 
my husbands not against getting counselling, he’d been seeing good psychologist  for the past year dealing with the fallout of his childhood & he was doing great, even able to get off his medication but I think he needs to go back & see her before this sets him right back to square one again. 
so far his mother hasn’t asked to speak to me because generally she’ll apologise when she knows she’s not going to get her own way & generally I’ll just say it’s ok let’s just move on but I don’t think I can be nice about it this time. I’m really sick of accepting her apologies because I know she’s not apologising because she feels remorse, it’s because she knows when backed into a corner my husband will always have my back & won’t tolerate her spitting her vile at me. She was awful to his brothers partner, used to all her a whore & various other nasties. She’s stopped short of stepping over that line with me because it will be the first & last time she ever did.

I could go on with a huge novel! But I’ll leave it there, thanks so much for listening, it’s good to know that ppl do understand what I’m dealing with. 😊

[ecomama]

It's a privilege HM. These issues run deep for H. Hugs. 

Great! H has found a good Psych.
Neither of you may "like" what I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway because I care about what you're going thru & have a view to the future... 

please keep therapy sessions going (for the rest of his life). This advice was given to me by my Psych friend about 7y ago. It jolted me through to my core when she said it to me. 
She was spot on. 

I have a great Counsellor. But have sought specialised Trauma therapy with a Psychologist - 4 sessions only.
Had lots of therapists over my life time but did TONS of my own research to support my healing. 
My diagnoses; Complex PTSD (doing well), Depression (mostly recovered), ADHD. 

Retaining this MH support over the long term will help him so much. He may be able to see a Counsellor instead or keep seeing his Psych whilst searching for a good Counsellor. 
He can steer the ship of his own healing journey. Spacing sessions out to once every 2+ months when he's feeling okay, then back to weekly / fortnightly when he's feeling "a bit wobbly". 

H may need to study these personality types like mom. This may help him understand that none of this garbage is his fault, alleviate his feelings of responsibility for her behaviours, realise that NO ONE can change her etc. 

I could give you countless searches to do to help, but for now, what I've seen you write most about her behaviours & keeping the effects this abuse is having on H in the forefront of my mind, I suggest you guys read up on "The Cycle of Abuse".... particularly the "buy back phase". Text book scenario is after the abusive partner inflicts his abuse on the victim, he buys her flowers & chocolates, apologises, says it'll never happen again blah blah.
Over long term R/ships.. this step of the cycle is diminished or even skipped... behaviours escalate, the cycle runs more rapidly. 

Mom's buy back now is "I can't remember", she's almost skipping >> escalating. 
H needs support to see these things. 

I could write the novel with you lol, 
Love EM

[HisMum]

Thank you Em I will definitely search out The Cycle of Abuse. He’s comfortable within us that he knows I’m happy for him to reach out again for MH therapy & I believe he may do that soon as I’ve made it clear to not to let himself slide all the way back to square one again for himself & us. Thanks again 😊

[ecomama]

Okay great HM. 

Yes! For a while, until...x time, your H may feel his MH is difficult to maintain. 
That slippery slope to the side of our HUGE gains I see as steps UP, is there for a while, until ... x time. 

Once we've filled ourselves with ALL the knowledge and skills we possibly can? 
We can enjoy a sense of wellbeing. 

If you can model self-care, which you need more atm because you're supporting H, then these flow through to H like osmosis. 

Best wishes, we're always here, 
Love EM