Why can't i ever stand up for myself?

[Guest_672]

I had a big trigger 2night or last by the time ive finished this. It might seem like nothing to anyone else but to me its upsetting. I had a friend i met 8yrs ago who we met through our dogs being service dogs. She was super clingy from the start and wanted me to move in with her to be her carer. The warning signs were there to back away but i felt too guilty because she had a noticeable physical disability so i stuck around and had let her use me. Very long story short the last time we spoke was a long time ago when i got an inheretance when my beautiful mum and nana my mums mum passed away. The day after i recieved the money she said the same thing every single day for a full month saying i wish i had someone in my family pass away so i could get $10, 000 to renovate the bathroom for when her physically disabled husband will need a wheelchair permanently. After a month i gave in and gave that amount of money to her. I knew she wasnt going to give in and i thought a paid human friend is better than no human friend. 2 days later she showed me pictures or a cruise they we're going on. The following months i tried to let it go but it was eating me up inside and i texted her what i felt. She ended contact after that which secretly i was glad. Last night she turned up out the blue with her dog and started talking about the bathroom ndis are paying for. Her very large dog ran back and forth from my wet garden and garden bed through all my carpet and she said you dont mind i let him run around cause he hasnt been off the lead for a week. Of me being the wus i am said of course not. I have spent hrs cleaning up after and have to get my carpet cleaned which i currently cant afford. She wants to come back in a few days. I was trying so hard this month to help myself but 2night has set me back alot. I have to let her in again and let my house get destroyed again because ive learnt i not to be respected

[therising]

Hi Whitewolfwarrior

I believe the challenges that are given to us by others are there to force our hand in some way. It can almost be like 'Okay, I'm going to challenge you now, so show me what you've got'. From personal experience, I've found that it's easier in some ways to remain that nice non-confrontational person but, in the long term, easier doesn't always work. Basically, if we're being challenged to evolve and we chose not to move forward, the outcome can be painful.

I am learning that many of the confrontations I face in life are less about confronting others and more about confronting myself. I'm sure you're familiar with the sort of internal dialogue which goes a little like this:

'Say something, c'mon, stand up for yourself!'

'No, I can't. What if this person stops liking me. What if my friend deserts me or my partner leaves me, what am I going to have then? Nothing but some form of hardship.'

'Just do it! You know you want to! You'll feel better for it.'

It's pretty confronting, hey! Yet, it doesn't even come close to the confrontation that follows (if we don't meet the challenge on offer):

'I can't believe you didn't stand up for yourself! What's wrong with you?! You're hopeless!'

I believe that whilst it can be somewhat fearful to confront someone who challenges us, this action is what frees us from ongoing internal confrontation. Imagine how you would feel if, the next time this woman came over, you left the room and returned with some carpet cleaning products saying 'I've tried to get out as many of these stains as possible. I thought you may have better luck. I'm sure you didn't mean for your dog to leave them. I've considered a carpet cleaning service but I can't afford it'.

Whitewolfwarrior, whilst you are obviously a kind, considerate and thoughtful person (with a deep desire for change), this woman who challenges you does not sound quite as evolved as you. It could not hurt for you to challenge her in relation to her being more kind, more considerate, more thoughtful. I believe you would be doing her a favour in regard to her evolution. Needless to say, she may not see it this way 🙂

Take care and accept the challenge

[Guest_672]

Thankyou therising. Your last section made me laugh. It only twigged this morn i was used again. She came for the sole purpose to let her dog have a run in a safe inclosed area and to talk about bathroom knowing full well it will affect my mental health. Only right at the end after talking about herself for ages did she ask the question how are you? When i started to talk suddenly she wanted to go home. Alot of people see innocence of a noticeable disabilty but i see completely through that and the manipulative side. I dont know if shes narcasitic. Shes not innocent she knows exactly what shes doing. Yet here i am still letting her use me. But i accept the challenge even though time has told shes always right im always wrong.

[Wilma1]

Whitewolfwarrior, I've read your thread here, so much of me in your words. I also have a user friend!!!!! I have the internal dialogue of telling her what I think, but it remains internal. I've been looking after her dog when she goes out and to appointments for years. The dog is lovely, the owner not so. I guess I could just about write a book on her lack of respect, but went it comes to the crunch, it's my own lack of respect for myself really. Confrontation is difficult, putting it mildly. I'll be reading along if it helps to get things off your chest.

[Guest_672]

Thankyou so much Wilma1. Your absolutely right its the lack of respect i struggle to give myself. It had always been a very stressful friendship with her cause she could only see the physical disability side of things but not mental illness. And shes become an expert at using her disability to get what she wants when she wants. Im smart enough to see what others arent seeing with her. And same it remains internal which is why some of us are easy targets. I admit i have lost lack of respect for myself. I even questioned awhile ago if i had the legal right to say no because ive found no one listens to me when i try say no. A little last week was walking in front of my dog and the boy dropped a stick he was carrying and he was worried my dog was going to steal it so he said 'no means no' I was so proud of that little boy for saying those words with such confidence. I wish i had his confidence

[Wilma1]

Whitewolfwarrior, I have that happen also. When I set boundaries, they are not respected. I also find many need to be listened to, I apparently do that well. Unfortunately being heard myself doesn't happen.

That little boy was/is very brave. I think it comes from being well parented, something I missed out on.

Isnt it good that online we can be heard and understood.

You sound like a very intuitive person, caring and empathetic, don't let anyone change those qualities, they are priceless and very necessary in our world.

I hope your evening is going well. I'm watching the Yorkshire vet!!!

[Guest_672]

Thankyou Wilma1 for your kind words. Im sorry your not listened to also. I could write a very big book about bad parenting from my parents. Ive said it on another post and I'll say it again if it wasnt for the beyond blue forum and meeting you incredibly kindhearted people, i would not be anywhere near as well as i am at the moment. Ive got raymond on in background while im still cleaning. But i love yorkshire vet, super vet ect.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Whitewolfwarrior,

You mentioned in your original post that in the past you texted her with how you felt. Perhaps rather than trying to speak your mind to her in person this time you text her now before she can show up uninvited. Try writing it out on paper so you can be sure it is clear before texting it. You need to be blunt (not cruel/nasty) , people like her can twist things very easily so don't give her any rope. Given she has shown she cares nothing for your wellbeing & her only interest in you is what she can get out of you, I think it may be better to make it clear you no longer want to associate with her.

Just my thoughts. Hope you can resolve this soon.

Paw Prints

[Guest_672]

Thanks paw prints fantastic idea. I already texted her not long ago. I was realy careful how i worded it and read it over a few times to make sure it was right. It was blunt but not mean. Any replies from her will be deleted without reading. I feel so relieved now😌🐾🐾

[Wilma1]

You have done well. I hope your text is taken Seriousely and you can continue with people who have your best interests at heart.

Im glad bb have shown you support and understanding.

I might have a crafty day today. A bit early to decide yet. I hope your day goes well.