Unhappy and regretful

[Ofna]

Hi,

Forgive my formatting as thoughts and memories are flooding sometimes in an unordered fashion.

Some background. Lost my biological father to cancer at age 7, mother remarried soon after to (at the time) an Army soldier who had PTSD from time in Vietnam. As most may know, PTSD was a condition not fully understood until the eighties but this is still when he performed the most physical and mental domestic abuse mainly against my mother. To make matters worse my step-father has a narcissistic personality order I believe predates his Vietnam deployment. Although only anecdotal evidence leads me to this conclusion, I've had ample time to analyse someone I have not spoken for over 10 years.

I really developed into a moody/angry young man. My twenties I regard as my darkest period. Was a tradesman but never held positions for too long. I think it was partly due to not enjoying the work. I do believe somewhere inside me there exists a friendly, funny and generous person but too often is suppressed by anxiety and sadness. I was friends with a fellow introverted high school student whom I spent too much time performing petty theft. Possibly a time in front of a judge put an end to that (no correctional time). Joined the Army Reserve at 18 and discharged after 18 years but all I remember is how angry and irrational I must have appeared to fellow soldiers.

I have secondary-PTSD. I've had Government sponsored counseling and through that and self examination (surprisingly no alcohol or drug addiction) I believe I am better than I was. I used be easily triggered into anger and confrontation but feel I am able to control it much better. I'm now nearly 46 and I have nothing in my life to demonstrate any "normal" progress. I have been praised for opening a retail business 8 years ago but it doesn't feel that way. Some days are a struggle where I feel lost and the business is not very profitable due to this.

I've not been in a personal relationship for over 13 years as I determined long ago it wouldn't be healthy for me and whomever I met. This is where I get the most criticism from people who care for me the most, but it is difficult to explain to others how destructive I feel I could potentially make it.

I think that's enough. I must confess this has been therapeutic to write as something I did today left me rather anxious. Is it me or does anybody feel anxiety affects judgement?

R

[geoff]

hello Ofna, thanks for opening up to us, it's not easy to do this, but it seems as though your life has been a struggle, but from what I have read is that now you are able to overcome any anger problems, which would have been caused from years ago, but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit, because you joined the force for 18 years and no matter how you felt about being irrational and angry, this could only be displayed on your days off, but perhaps it was those fellow soldiers who needed to be brought into line, because someone who is raised by a step dad who abused your mum and had an narcissitic personality towards you certainly would not have been any help for you, and made you what you say you were.
By joining the Army has turned you around, because it has taught you confidence, discipline, self restraint, awareness, and knowledge, and you can still have these even if you have PTSD, because this could come in bursts and then affect you, however you are afraid of getting into a relationship, maybe or maybe not, but once again you aren't giving yourself the credit you deserve.
This is what you think will happen, but what if you meet someone who is quiet, pleasant, caring and loving, someone who understands what you have been through, you can't assume it will never work, but the word 'assumption' what does it actually mean, to me it's clumsy word, it's thinking that something could happen, but you never know.
You know I could assume that I'm going to be a millionaire in the future, well how the hell do I know. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Ofna

I can hear you, I'm not quite the same but I see your position (and your assumptions)

I was in the police, TPI'd in the mid 80's with long running stress related disorders ending up non-viable (you can read PSTD for all of that - it was not a recognized diagnosis years before when this first started). Lots of free medical right through to today under workers' comp.

Prior to that I'd had an unusual relationship with my parents ending with me being dis-inherited.

So some things a bit like you - some not.

My personal relationships, and I've had 2, with my first wife passing away after 25 years, have been my saving. I cannot say I treated my first wife well at all when my injury was in full swing. Quite the opposite I used to worry about hurting her when I came out of a very dark place. It never happened, not because I consciously told myself not to at the time, I guess because deep inside me I really did not want to. I don't really know. That's what happened anyway.

I had massive self-doubt, it skewed my thinking, probably still does a bit a times. You asked about

does anybody feel anxiety affects judgement?

YES YES YES YES ! - believe me - everything from taking hasty ill-advised actions, to taking no action at all, to ... on and on. Not convinced?

I can't be any more emphatic. All I can say is now I'm completely unlike the man I was, and that even suffering at the current max I can normally see if I'm temporarily off-center in my thinking and hold off until matters settle.

If you think I can answer anything from my experience just sing out.

My best wishes

Croix.

[HelenR]

Hi Ofna,

What a funny name. I mean funny ha ha not funny weird. It made me wonder how did you come up with that name... I hope I don't sound too silly with my irrelevant question. I've been told my conversation can be a bit silly but I feel I can be myself here and I hope I don't cause offense as none is intended.

You're post made me think because your experience when growing up and the resulting secondary PTSD is similar to my experience. I grew up with an abusive monster whom I still hate and I know I should not hate but I can't help it. Like you I feel my whole life has been messed up because of that person. Unlike you I have not manage to start a business or position myself in the workforce due to my fears and anxieties (mainly) anxieties make me defensive and that's a no no at work and with colleges as it doesn't come out well.

I agree with the group of people who praise you for opening that retail shop. You have manage to place yourself in the real world. It takes a lot of courage, hard work and faith to do what you have done. Even if the business is not profitable. I've been told that to be classified as a successful business person you have to had experience failure and bankruptcy several times. More so, in the USA the banks will not give you a loan for a new business if you cannot show that you have tried (and failed) before. Because is not about trying and winning but about trying and getting up again and trying again. It's easier said than done. I haven't been able to do it but you are in the process of doing it. You are earning experience and learning as a result. 8 years of running a retail store! That’s a wow!

You also said.. I'm now nearly 46 and I have nothing in my life to demonstrate any "normal" progress. The concept of ‘normality’ is such a bummer because we all compare ourselves with ‘normal’ people, or ‘normal’ relationships and any other ‘normal’ standard. I also compare myself with ‘normal’ standards even when I know that they do not exist. What’s ‘normal’ is just an illusion. It’s a false standard that has been presented to us as something we should achieve. It's like the perfect skin, the perfect body, the perfect teeth, hair, the perfect way how our business should be performing. It’s all false. I now know that life is full of highs and lows and it all depends on what we do when we are low. Like you know writing here in this website.

[see next post for the rest of my message please]

[HelenR]

What also caught my eye was what you said that you don't have a relationship because “I determined long ago it wouldn't be healthy for me and whomever I met” When I met my husband I tried to run away many times and I wanted him to leave me because I felt It was not healthy for him to be with me. At that time anger was very high and I didn’t like it one bit. You need a resilient person who is understanding and loves you for what you are. Your
determination to not harm them to keep yourself under control and your love for them will keep them safe. I have never touched my husband and children. My worry was psychological harm due to my outbursts, fears and anxiety. Communication has been key for everyone to understand each other and low stress levels when they were young. I suppose what also help was the fact that I hate the monster who damaged my mother, me and my family that I would never do the same to any body. It sounds that you have similar feelings hence the desire not to have a person with you to prevent harm to them.

The fact that you can 'see' your anger, that you are critical of those destructive feelings say that you may not be as bad as you think you are because you're watching your behaviour. I've got kids and I'm surprised to say they are coming out well. We can't expect perfection because sometimes kids come with inherited information in their DNA.

Since I've found out I've PTSD my situation and that of my family has improved. Don't loose hope and keep trying.

I say bye and may dissapear for a while as I normally do. but I may not. Who knows?

xx

[nofuturecrim]

Dearest Ofna,

Your post made me feel so sad. I am so sorry for what you have gone through in your life. I don't know that I can offer much hope or optimism but you are greater than those before you. You demonstrate what they could not. Be what they were so unable to be. Show the world, no matter how much it breaks you, that being kind, gentle, considerate and caring does matter to us all. I do try so hard to do this myself. No matter how hard my family are toward me I take it and turn it right around on others. I try to prove that sensitivity and kindness will always triumph in this world. I desperately hope for this and hope that you will join me also in this crusade. We can only be what we show others. I feel your pain, I really feel it. I am so low I have considered how high the roof of my building is and if the height would end me quickly enough. Before I resort to that - I am going to battle on and try to show what I have missed from others. Amazingly, I have have this compassion returned to me by two people so far in the last month. All is not lost. They are still out there - people who feel. I don't know if this helps but I have depersonalisation disorder and this helps me a lot. I have always felt too much which is a part of reason why I developed the disorder. I hope this will help you, however, if not, I would still want to chat to you. I feel you. take care. K.

[CJs_mum]

VVCS (Veterans and Veterans Families Counselling Service, i believe it is now called for those who don't know what it is) have been a great help for my dad and I going through PTSD due to his time in Vietnam. It is so hard to hear what the blokes went through and the effect it all had on their families.
I applaud those who work and volunteer at VVCS for sorting through some hard issues while dealing with their own difficulties.
Sometimes counselling can be hard for some and Im so glad you feel it has helped (even a bit).
I'm also very glad you've come here. Please keep talking and know that you are safe, supported and we understand and can relate to some of what you are going through.
As above - all is not lost. Keep treating yourself right and keeping healthy...eventually, things will come good and by going out, doing things that interest you. I'm sure you'll meet some healthy people that will help you in return to keep healthy. (round about way of saying stay strong, stay healthy, know there;s a future :D)

All the best