Trigger warning - PTSD after suicide of partner

[Widowedmumof3]

Hi,

I am 5 years post suicide of my husband. While I have sought counselling and other means to deal with my grief and to deal with the loss over the years, I have recently found myself "triggered". I have had a few encounters with a relative and a close friend who confided in me regarding their mental health state, because "I would understand" that they had recently had suicidal thoughts. Thankfully they both have and are continuing with the assistance they need and are being supported.  

I have 2 questions:

How do I deal with those who think that because my husband committed suicide that I would understand?? While I completely empathise with them and want to support them. In reality I do not understand. I was left behind.

Secondly, when sharing this with me, I began to shake uncontrollably, my breath rate increased and I felt sick. Even the following day, I felt numb?? I want to be there for my friends and family, but I also do not want to feel like this. I have spoken to my counsellor and was advised that they need to respect my boundaries etc but I care for my friends and family and if I am needed I want to be able to support them as they have all supported me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the above. It is greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Hi widowedmumof3,   We’re so sorry to hear you’re going through it right now. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and we can imagine how hard that would be.  You can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST). Their counsellors work with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.   You can also talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat.    Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story.  Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you. I will check out Blue Knot & have been reading through lots on the Beyond Blue web page.

Thank you again x

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Widowedmumof3,

Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband and what would have been a challenging 5 years since. I’m glad you have the support of your counsellor.

 I feel in this situation it is absolutely ok to let those people in your life know that talk of suicidality is activating stress and trauma responses for you. I realise this may, in itself, feel hard to communicate, but it is better to protect your boundary and well-being and you’ll probably feel better when you’ve done that. While those other people may be going through a difficult time, it is absolutely not your responsibility to take care of them. Your physiological responses to them talking to you about those things indicate you are still very vulnerable and it’s beyond the threshold of what you can deal with at present trying to listen and support them with what they’re sharing. You can emphasise to them that you care, but that you need to protect your own vulnerability around these issues, and also that it doesn’t mean you automatically understand their experiences because of your own loss. As you mention they have other supports, so they are not alone and reliant on you for support.

I’ve had a tendency in life to work hard caring for others even when I’ve really not been ok myself. When processing grief a couple of years ago as well as a traumatic incident I’d just been through, I had a friend who would call me at midnight and all other hours wanting me to talk her down from panic attacks and I’d be on the phone to her for 2-3 hours each time. Eventually I realised it had to stop to protect my own health and boundary. The other person always has other options, including helplines and professional supports, so it is ok to set boundaries. I know if I hadn’t done that it was going to overwhelm me. Unfortunately some people will keep taking from you as long as they can without really getting or reflecting on how they may be impacting you. I had gotten myself stuck in a co-dependent situation where I felt compelled to help, when in fact I didn’t have to and it was wise and necessary in the end to draw back from the situation.

So please take care of yourself as a priority, especially as you are a Mum of 3 too. You can still care about your relative and friend but start with yourself and only engage with what you feel comfortable discussing with them. Let them know if certain topics are too much.

Sending you kind thoughts and wishes.

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you for your comment.

"Vulnerable" is exactly how I feel...I had felt this initially when my husband passed but it did subside. The discussions of late with my friends and family have brought these feelings up again.
I do feel I have come along way in my grief but these instances have brought up feelings that I hadn't felt in a while and causes me to feel like I could go backwards in my healing...if that makes sense.  I will work on boundaries, something I've never been too good at. But I know my health both physical and mental is of the utmost importance.

Many thanks for your response & suggestions. Truly appreciated

[Eagle Ray]

Yes, I do understand about the feeling you could go backwards. I’ve had that feeling too and I think our bodies have a way of saying no even if our minds are trying to persist with something. So it’s like your body is saying this is something that’s too much for you right now. You could, if you felt comfortable, try explaining it to your relative and friend in terms of PTSD which really is when the body does have those activations that are telling us our limits. That may help them get it.

 I understand about the boundaries too. For most of my life I have tried to help everyone in my life regardless of how I’m going, like I was invisible to myself. But trauma effects and health issues made me realise I simply had to develop much stronger boundaries. That’s something you could work on with your counsellor. I’ve found it does start getting easier with practice and it actually starts to feel empowering and strengthening. Other people often start respecting your boundaries too once they realise they are there. I think it even helps the PTSD because the nervous system senses it is safer because it is being protected and looked after, if that makes sense? That, in itself, can have a healing effect.

Take good care and all the very best.

[Widowedmumof3]

Makes perfect sense. Thank you so much again.

[therising]

Hi Widowedmumof3

My heart truly goes out to you as you face so many intense challenges that only someone in your position can fully understand and relate to. How to live under the circumstances, given what you've faced, must have involved a massive amount of hard work and self understanding over the past 5 years. Your kids are blessed to have such a hard working, determined and deeply feeling mum.

As everyone's mentioned, boundaries are so important when it comes to how we feel. How we feel our thoughts, our emotions, our way forward, our triggers and more involves so much feeling and the need to set boundaries in regard to just how much we're prepared to feel, before we decide on a cut off point, a point or line people aren't permitted to cross.

While you admit you're not expert in helping people through these thoughts and feelings they face, there is one thing you do have a lot of experience with. Whether people want to hear your experienced opinion is another thing. You have a great understanding in what it's like to be left behind when someone makes their final choice. You understand the overwhelming emotions, all the hard work it takes to continue living under the circumstances, how it changes the lives of those left behind in so many ways (including the day to day stuff) etc. Whether the people who come to you need to know all this is something only you can decide, given how well you know them. To give them your heartfelt insight may involve telling them, in one way or another, 'Your goal is to do whatever it takes in the way of experimenting with what works and what doesn't work (in the way of mental health), so that others don't have to face what I've faced and continue to face'. Could your purpose in this case be to discuss the fallout of what they are considering, something that's rarely discussed in the lead up to such a final decision?

I can relate to what rock bottom in depression feels like, how dark, lonely and hopeless it can feel. it wasn't until I came out of long term depression that I revealed to my mum my attempt much earlier in my life. The tears and heartbreak she expressed in regard to just the idea of what it would have been like to live without me, were just a drop in the ocean of what she would have felt if I'd been successful. We cried together in relation to her overwhelming sadness. I believe people need to know of such overwhelming sadness before they consider such a final decision. To openly cry with them can be an expression of that, an expression of what they will be leaving behind.