Suicide/death threats over the prospect of breaking up

[Autumn_]

Hi All,

I’m hoping to get a bit of advice as I’m currently dealing with a situation I feel completely out of my depth with.

I’ve decided I want to break up with my live-in boyfriend of 2+ years because of the one-sided nature of our relationship. I’ve realised I’m putting in a lot more than I get back in terms of life responsibilities, making effort with family, selfless acts etc.

I think my boyfriend has started to feel me drift and a few times he’s made remarks to the effect he would kill himself, or me, if I ever tried to leave. He has a really dry and dark sense of humour but the comments make me really uncomfortable because I was previously in an abusive relationship.

Although, I don’t think he’s suicidal, I’m feeling scared and really don’t know how to go about the break up. He lives at my house but has contributed financially to a few things in the past 6 months.

Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m also going to let my counsellor know what’s going on in a fortnight (although, I’m pretty embarrassed to admit to the situation I’m in).

August x

[Sophie_M]

Hey Autumn,

We're so thankful that you decided to reach out to our community for some advice and support, and we're so sorry to hear about these comments that your boyfriend has made. We can hear how upsetting and frightening this must be for you, and please know that you deserve to live in safety and without fear. This is a safe space for you to reach out and our caring community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this difficult time. We're also currently reaching out to you through email as we are concerned for your wellbeing.

We'd also really urge you to reach out to our friends at 1800RESPECT, who offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through their online chat if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You have shown so much strength in reaching out here, and please know that we are all here to help support you. As well as 1800RESPECT, our friends at Lifeline are available 24/7 on 13 11 14 to talk these feelings through whenever things are feeling tough to cope with. However, if you ever you feel unsafe, it's really important that you contact triple zero and ask for the police.

You're not alone in this, and we hope that you feel free to keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel able to.

[Croix]

Dear August~

I've read your other thread, and what seems to show up a fair bit is you seem to go for partners who take advantage of you, leave you to do all the work, and probably provide all the money too. As your feelers found out this is not normal, I do not know why but it keeps happening to you , it fits a pattern though.

Some people -mainly males - look for others the can dominate, control and live off. They look for those that are more vulnerable, probably kind caring people, and instinctively press all their buttons until the person controlled becomes so down as to be really ill and has no self esteem or confidence -which stops them leaving.

One of the common ways of getting someone to stay is to threaten suicide, or as in your case threaten to kill you too.

To deal with the threat of their killing themselves is to demand they seek competent medical advise now -this takes the responsibility off your shoulders..

As for being threatened yourself, find some way to get him out now. If he does it again call the police at once.

Neither option is easy, 1800RESPECT is probably the best place to give you practical advice, as Sophie says.

Please let us know how you are going

Croix

[Autumn_]

Hi Croix,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

You’ve definitely read the situation correctly. I feel so pushed down by the situation that it’s difficult to actually do anything about it.

This has also affected my support network because they can’t understand why I can’t just leave.

Thanks for your response again.

A

[Croix]

Dear Autumn~

Of course it is difficult

There are many reasons why peple do not leave abusive partners, kid's welfare is one, no money, another, and ... well the list goes on.

The thing is those all those reasons are practical ones, which practical solutions (maybe hard to find but can be there). That's one thing 1800REsPECT can do, help, or tell you where help is in your region.

Your support network has never been there. And as a result are all very logical - which does not help all that much.

The biggie is not really anything like these.

It is a very sad fact that people who are mistreated tend to blame themselves and have little or no confidence in their abilities. They simply don't think they can do anything, are incapable of dealing with the change.I'm not sure why, but I guess if your partner always acts as if you are of no account and only there to serve him then you get to believe it. Silly I know, I wish it was not true, but it is.

That's one main reason why you need help from outside to ease you though the process if you think inside yourself his leaving would be better for your kids and you but are afraid or simply stuck.

One good thing, it is your house, you legally get to say who stays, and with threats of violence an AVO can be sought . Yes I know AVO are pretty toothless, but a start.

Do you think any of this ring a bell?

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Autumn,

Thanks for sharing your story here and welcome to the community. It seems you certainly have doubts and fears about your current relationship. We all deserve to feel safe, cared for and to have our needs met.

Being threatened, bullied, over powered and made to feel scared really isn't what we want in life.

Having been in a couple of domestic violence situations, I do understand the reluctance some people have to leave these situations. It may be because of fear or the belief things will get better.

You may need to question how long you will live with this situation. Consider the options Sophie_M and Croix have offered regarding getting help. Make phone calls and see what your options are.

If you do ask him to leave, are you able to have someone there to help you with this? Can you contact the police and ask for advice on how to get him out?

Yes, it is scary, confronting and concerning when people threaten to take their own lives because of our actions. The point is, ultimately people are in charge of their own actions. People don't have the right to make us feel guilty and threatened by saying such things.

If you do get him to leave, is there someone you trust who could come and stay with you for a while?

No matter what happens, believe in yourself! Take care of yourself.

Regards from Dools