Suffering from BPD, Trauma and PTSD
I understand how bad my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is. That’s very clear to me and it’s something that I want to work on.
Before I got here, I had been talking to this guy and when I got here we started dating, similar to my previous boyfriend, he cheated on me (but over the phone with another girl interstate) and aside from that was just mean to me and all in all didn’t really treat me the best… I’ve broken up with him about 3 times based on his actions and he keeps telling me he wants to make it work which he has proven and has sort of been working on it, but all in all it’s a lot to handle. He’s quite controlling and I guess in a way, possessive. Which I don’t mind but I do have boundaries. I just don’t know if there’s someone better out there or not and it’s freaking me out. On top of that, he keeps saying that he wants to see me open up and be free spirited and happy etc which I hear a lot from my parents as well, in fact I’ve heard that from a lot of people and it really hurts. I suffer from BPD/trauma as a result of really brutal bullying and a lot of emotional neglect, so understandably, I’m really not the easiest person to be friends with or have a relationship with. So amongst all of this “we miss the happy girl” it makes me feel really depressed because I didn’t even realise I had changed that much and then I realised, maybe I am just really sad? And maybe I just don’t care about myself? That’s why I don’t really care about how I’m treated and honestly it’s just making me feel suicidal like I just don’t have the energy to be here anymore. I have a white picket fence dream to have a family and a golden retriever because of how family oriented I am but I just don’t know if it will happen and I’m just scared about everything and also can’t be bothered with anything. It’s one giant paradox.
We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. We also encourage you to reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some support.
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