Stopping flashbacks and thoughts after counselling

[Ely_]

Hi

I've recently started trauma counselling for past abuse. I felt I had no choice but to seek help from someone specialised in this, as when I broached it with my regular pyschologist I felt judged. I've posted in the psychologists and therapists etc forum separately on the issue of my psychologist.

Anyway, last week's session was really challenging. We did some grounding. I left. I felt ok. Two days later I had to confront my psychologist, then that night I got a concussion and ended up in hospital overnight. The day I got out of hospital I had a really bad trigger on the way home and ever since, I am stuck in this loop of shame, self-hate, depression, so anxious and just all flashbacks and so many emotions.

Yesterday I sought help from my GP who sent me to mental health to talk to them. They were a waste of time. By the time I got there I had to wait in ED coz the acute team was gone. Which made my anxiety so much worse.

And now today I have to deal with the ever critical MIL who has nfi what mental health even is.

I just get so angry and I hurt... I just want to stop thinking and feeling.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

[CKS]

Hi Ely72

How disappointing this is for you. And frustrating too i bet.

What do you mean that you felt judged by the other psychologist original psychologist?

When my time came to going through my trauma with my psychiatrist, I wrote him a letter (a long letter) detailing my trauma. Wow this really payed off! He captured the picture perfectly and since then my life has been much better. When he had finished reading the letter he said 3 words and those 3 words were "you were brave". OMG i couldn't get my breath. I fell back into the chair, trying to process the words. I thought to myself this can't be right, this wasn't me? My mind stopped for a few seconds and then i thought OMG these words do ring true to me. I was brave. I was a brave little girl. This was a major turning point in life. My trauma had been recognised and my person understood. I felt such relief. I wrote a poem about this...

My parents fought all the time
My father beat my mother ferociously
So much violence and abuse there was
Oh, it was such a crime, such a crime
My mother’s heart and body were just so weak
She did not have it in her to oppose
She needed a soldier to fight for her
She needed a soldier to protect her
I was the one she chose
I tried the best I could
I was so very frightened
But I never shirked away
I was always courageous along the way
I would try to sleep
But reoccurring nightmares would come
People fighting there would be
I only wished they’d leave me be
I felt so angry at my father
I felt helpless as a child
I felt so responsible for my mummy
I was so brave and yet so wild
I was brave when I went into battle
I would punch and kick and tackle
I was so brave
I was so very brave
I was but a brave little girl
Who heard and saw terrible things
I was but a brave little girl
Who fought for others’ sins
Many years after
Therapy did come
And I was shined upon
Shined upon with three words of gallantry:
‘You were brave’ were the words that set me free
There is no longer a stigma
About how angry and violent I had become
I am a soldier who has medals of bravery
I am respected among my peers
I have no need for any more tears
The memories may never leave me
But the pride I now have
About the brave little girl that I was
Shall never leave me.

I hope my post has helped you in some way.

CKS

[Ely_]

Hi CKS,

Yes, my original psychologist. I often have paranoid thoughts about what others are thinking of me. Since that appointment, I think the original psychologist maybe wasn't judging me and it was my warped perception.

But when I spoke to her last week, I tried to clarify her stance on consent. It's so hard to talk to someone when you have different beliefs. She knows that there was drug involvement and a lot of confusion. She basically said if you said no....

I couldn't...For 5 years.😭 I feel stupid for going back all those times. And also for it affecting me so much now, 12 years later.

Sick of seeing his family around town. Tired of triggers and flashbacks.

Just want it to stop

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72, welcome to the forums. We're sorry to hear about the situation occurring with your new and old psychologist. This must be quite tricky! 

We can see you that have a previous thread on this topic and would prefer you to continue to seek support there. We're going to close this thread off and ask that you keep to the one thread below:

Rebuilding relationship with psychologist

Keeping to one thread per topic makes it easier for members to keep up with your story, and saves you having to repeat information.