Sexual assault from a friend, and my boyfriend cheating

[ChalkyK9]

Hi all, I'm new here.

I have been dealing with the sexual assault from my best friend's(I'll call her Sienna) husband (I'll call him Jeff), I'm getting support from a friend (I'll call her Tilly) that lives far away from me because Sienna is taking Jeff's side because he's very manipulative and she takes his side on everything even though Sienna herself has come to me so many times because he's cheated or been mean to her. I've told her in the past that I would help her if she ever chose to leave him but she always changes her mind after she talks to him again. He has hurt me now and I'm afraid I'm going to lose all the friends that live nearby me that are also friends with them. Sienna and a friend that is also friends with them (I'll call her Pam) just want me to get over it quickly and pretend like nothing happened, and they don't want me to tell anyone else either. Tilly and my boyfriend have been supporting me so well and I have been getting to a point where I'm ok, I've cried, I've been angry and am just starting to accept that I can just leave them and make new friends nearby and It'll all be ok. Until last night, I found a book underneath a cloth that I made for my boyfriend. The book was girly and had flowers on it, I was first suspicious but then I thought my boyfriend was hiding it from me as a present, I got excited and had a little sneak peek but soon found out it just had phone numbers in it, I was dissapointed but then curious, the back pages had been used. I flipped to the back where it had hookup and affair websites listed and then crossed out, I was dissapointed but not really surprised, there had been a girl in the past tell me that he'd been talking to her and flirting, but my boyfriend explained it away with tears in his eyes saying that she is an obsessive ex-friend that just wants to ruin his life. I believed him but made him promise that I can see his phone whenever I wanted, he agreed. So then I thought I could trust him. Please someone with an outside perspective tell what I can do now? I have cried so much I just feel numb now.

[Sophie_M]

Hey ChalkyK9, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. 

We're so glad you've been able to share your story with us as we know this takes a lot of courage and strength to do. We are so sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing from your friends Sienna and Jeff, this must be so difficult. We're also sorry to hear about your boyfriend's behaviour. We can't imagine how stressful and devastating it would have been to discover his notebook. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. 

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

And remember, If Sienna or Jeff ever cause you to feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

Thank you again for taking the courage to share your story today. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
 

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome.

It is so sad to read what you have been through - with the assault and the lack of support from your friends and then to find out about your partner. Please follow the advice given by Sophie_M. And you do have a strength and courage to be vulnerable and posting here. It can be hard when trust is broken by those you are close to.

Honestly, I would have suggested talking to a friend to get their perspective. You already did that. From your post, Tilly sounds like a good friend and support to you.

You could talk to someone in your family? If that were not possible, then talking to a professional might allow you to get your thoughts out of your head and find a way forward. Another possibility might be to write down what happened, your thoughts and feelings, and perhaps a challenge for yourself.

It might seem odd that I will write about forgiveness... a book I read talked about forgiveness in 4 stages (naming, describing, forgiving, moving forward). It sounds you have started on the first 2 items already. Forgiving is not about letting the other off the hook. The last part though is in moving forward which is either renewing or releasing a relationship. No matter what you choose, the relationships are not the same. Sometimes we have to name and tell the story many times to move onto the next step. You are not deserving of the pain you are going through.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim