PTSD - SEXUAL ABUSE OF MY DAUGHTER

[mama-bear]

Hi this is my first time here, need a bit of help - my daughter was sexually assaulted over an 18 month period by somebody who was a mentor to her - someone who had been in my house as an equal..It started when my daughter was 15 and ended at 17, the offender has been prosecuted (piss ant term given) and im only now starting to deal with it a year on..Im devastated, im triggered, im angry - i saw a psych who was not qualified to deal with my anger and frustration - thank god i found a psych for my daughter who is amazing but for conflict of interest reasons im not seeing her - ive now booked in to see her colleague, but everyday im in tears feeling like my world has crumbled - i see my daughter struggle everyday and it compounds my feelings, is this normal????

[Croix]

Dear Mama-bear~

Of course it is normal. The fact the abuse ended and the offender been before the court is just part of it all. The aftermath is horrible - for both your daughter and you.

I'd like to say first that no matter how trivial the sentence the fact there was a guilty verdict is a huge win. One of the horrible side effects of abuse is self doubt and lack of self worth, so being believed becomes very important - essential in fact. The court believed your daughter. A milestone.

I'm very glad your daughter has found competent professional help, it is not all she needs but is essential anyway. Your daughter needs to be in charge of her life, make her decisions, and while you can support and help this is important too. Can I suggest you get in touch with 1800Respect who are used to these situations and can give advice. I'm sure her thoughts and feelings will not be straightforward.

Abusers do not have a label to tell you what they are, and can be very cunning in hiding what they are doing, and you would be only human to feel that you had missed something and as a result had not given your daughter the safety you would want. Coming to accept this person has harmed two people, both your daughter and you, and that harm can come out in anger, self-blame, feelings of inadequacy and all sorts of negative things a well as poison future relationships..

Part of a counselor's job it to help see these things as false and to go back to being confident and able to cope.

I hope you find a psych that click with you quickly.

May I ask if you and your daughter have family or others who care and can lend you support? Trying to cope in isolation is very hard.

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[sister_moon]

Hi Mama bear,

So sorry to hear what you have been going through. I was also going to suggest calling 1800RESPECT, they are great to talk to and would also possibly be able to point you in the right direction for help and support. Depending on where you live CASA (centre against sexual assault) might also be a place to turn. Don't hesitate to call any support lines at any time when things are coming up for you and psychologist might not always be on hand.

In my knowledge/experience with trauma there can often be a delay before its full impact hits. I think at times when we are in the thick of things we are in survival mode and can get by but then when seemingly the danger has "passed" everything comes crashing down and we crumble. Be as kind to yourself as you can. You've been through what no one should have to be through. It may not feel like it but you are strong, and you are doing amazing job for you and your daughter. You're feelings are valid and normal.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story.

Wishing you all the best. I hope you find the right person to help guide you through.

Warm wishes

sister moon

[mama-bear]

Lovelies thank you so much for your understanding replies-your verification has hit my soul.

I’m married and my husband and I have dealt with this completely different and unfortunately he hasn’t been the rock I needed, I was once a very social person but have cut my friendship group down to the 3...at the time the incident came to light my daughters school was involved and it hit the media quite hard-hearing made up shit stories, gossip and straight up lies made the situation so much worse.

i was ok with dealing with things until I made the decision to attend the court hearing-I can not unheard the facts and now when I see my daughter I have flashes to seeing her in those instances-such a hard thing to undignified a bell.

im hoping that seeing this psych will help, there are absolutely no support groups or mental health services in Western Australia-trust me I’ve tried-would love to establish something but don’t know where to start and certainly not in the state I’m in.

thaml you again it feels great for people to understand instead of my family telling me to just get over it.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Mama-bear~

I'm sorry your husband is not the support you need, is he indifferent or simply lost at what to do? Is There anyone else to lean on?

I can well understand the images that court appearance will have given you, and I'd like to mention that for me - who has a completely different cause for past issues (I was a policeman) I guess I've tried to separate out the person from the situation.

I don't really know how to explain it, if you can see your daughter recovering and getting stronger then maybe you can concentrate on that. I'm making a hash of explaining, sorry.

Court cases for assault are places that breed bad reactions - for a start the person assaulted has to re-live it all in detail, and it often appears they are not really believed (not the case here I'm glad to say). Sentencing is not always what one one would think would be in line with the harm caused.

For loved ones who go with the best of intentions to be a support it can be so corrosive to the soul as the facts are given in detail. One can wonder if the person can ever be able to deal with it and become the person you knew and loved before.

So there are two battles, the one your daughter is dealing with, and yours. If you cannot find state based crisis line or other advice then, apart from professional counseling which I'd strongly recommend, can you use a service in another state. I doubt they would all refuse, web chat if not voice. Either way having experienced help is the way to go.

I do hope you come back, even talking here leaves one less isolated, plus if you search the threads you will find others in your position

I'd suggest as a start Googleing:

sexual abuse beyondblue forum

You may fine some of the posts upsetting so please be careful

Croix

[sister_moon]

Hi Mama Bear,

Sorry to hear there are a lack of services in your area, that must be frustrating.

I just checked and 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a national sexual assault and DV counselling service. They are great. Don't hesitate to call them even though you were not assaulted, you are understandably impacted by it and have your own trauma related to it. They are fantastic, and will listen.

All the best