PTSD not sure how much more I can handle

[Moosie77]

Hi all. First time poster here but would appreciate all the advice I can get. I suffer majorly from PTSD from so many majors events that have happened in my life I wasn’t raised in the best household and have lots of torturous memories of being raised by abusive parents my dad was an alcoholic. But the main things that have caused further issues for me mentally was in 2016 I Almost lost my eldest daughter to a brain bleed. We have since been given the good news that the treatment she had for it 3 years ago was successful. We were overseas by ourselves when this happened so I barely had any support

my main issue now is this. Almost 2 years ago my partner was involved in an accident on his way home from work. He was riding his bike along the bike path when a vehicle connected with him. He came flying off head first into a pole suffering a broken neck. Broken tail bone and 4 fractured discs in his back. I have been his main support person. Whilst I’m truly thankful that he is alive and walking and all. The emotional outbursts I suffer from him I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t understand the physical side of pain he has experienced but can definitely understand the emotional and mental side as this has effected us both. Our relationship has changed in many ways. We can’t do even a quarter of the things we used to because of his injury. Yet why do I have to be the one that has to take the anger outbursts over literally nothing. I’ve also had some physical damages because of these outbursts. I want to help him badly but I shouldn’t have to handle these alone. No one I talk to understands what I’m going through.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Moosie77,

Welcome to our friendly community, and thank you for sharing your journey with us here. We are so sorry to hear what you've been through during your childhood- no one should ever be made to feel unsafe in their own home. We think you are such a strong person to have been through so much and have such a positive and proactive perspective on moving forward in your life. It sounds like you've been a huge support for your partner during this difficult time, and we are really sorry to hear that he's been taking his anger out on you. You are absolutely right that you shouldn't have to handle this alone, and please know that support is always available. 

We would really recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. It might be worth finding out what they can offer you. The lovely supportive counsellors at 1800 RESPECT also have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through online chat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

If you feel up to it, we'd also really encourage you to talk through your feelings and experiences with our Beyond Blue Support Service, who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch through Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support, as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums today as we know this can be really difficult to do for the first time. Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by soon to offer some words of support and advice. We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Moosie77~

The short answer to your question “Yet why do I have to be the one that has to take the anger outbursts over literally nothing” is you don’t. In fact, to do so perpetuates the activity while at the same time damages you, mentally, and physically.

I can understand that your daughter’s illness would have been a great strain on both of you, and your previous abusive upbringing will have made you especially vulnerable -and may not have given you enough perspective to see what is love, what is duty, and what is way beyond normal boundaries.

And you have gone way beyond those boundaries so as to try to support.

Several things to say:

I’ve been invalided out of occupation permanently, my with PTSD, depression and anxiety -but no physical pain. I worried I’d explode and hit my wife, I never did, love was stronger. I was angry at times, and from an outsider looking in there might seem little reason.

That makes it impossibly hard, you do not know when a simple question such as “how are you feeling “ or even “would you like a cuppa” can be met with resentment and ire or violence. Walking on eggshells and often not saying anything.

Do you wish to stay with your partner? Not an easy question to answer, 1800RESPECT, as Sophie says, might be a good place to get advice. Love and duty vs self-preservation on the mental and physical level. Plus, you do not know what the future holds and have children to consider.

Let’s say you did stay, or at least were prepared to give it a try, if so, you need firm (hard to maintain boundaries) the support of someone else, counselling at least for you, and psychiatric support for you husband, and a place to retreat to -with the kids.

One suggestion, might be when abused verbally then try to calmly say “I do not deserve be talked to like that ” and then leave the room, If physically retreat to somewhere away, and if appropriate call the police

Mental and physical illness is not sufficient excuse for violence -ever. Anger sometimes is understandable.

Whatever happens do you now have support, a family member or friend who will help?

If not we'll try to cross that bridge next time

Please continue to talk here, it is terrible hard for you

Croix

[David35]

First thing's first. I'm not sticking up for him. Domestic violence (physical / emotional) is abuse.

I had a head injury many years ago. Years later they diagnosed me with a frontal lobe injury (the part of your brain which controls emotional impulse, decision making, anger issues, etc.) With my injury, I lost the ability to rationalise, compromise, listen to people. It slowly got better over time but my parents put up with a lot of shit in the mean time.

Did your partner have a head injury? I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, so it's not something that can easily be picked up on a scan. It might be worth looking into.

He might also be experiencing PTSD. I'd see if he wants to see a psych.

[Kadizha]

Hi Moosie

I share in your pain and angst over the changes to your husband. I along with my 3 daughters have been battling with those same behaviours for the past 20 yrs which presented after a motorcycle accident and head injury. With a couple of anger management courses, a dv order and a quite a few counsellors which he’s seen (mostly because of his irrational explosions) we are now looking more seriously at the possibility of the deficits which present after a frontal lobe injury and how it progresses and changes over time with poor impulse control and emotional numbness. The confounding thing was and is knowing what is due to head injury and poor impulse control and what is domestic violence behaviour. Now 20 yrs later we’re reaching out for professional help in the way of neurologist and psychiatrist to explore how to manage these behaviours which have continued to drive a wedge in our family and have distanced my husband from at least one of his daughters.
I pray you and I both find answers and the strength to see our respective struggles come to an end